deepundergroundpoetry.com
that coloured piece of cloth
ravens rise and fall
hopping off
then onto wet
sea salted kelp
brown, golden red
streams of sliding jelly
like ribands gifted
by sleek maids of the crashing waters
singing as silences echo deep & low
reaching far off ears
risen beneath warmer waves
listening, swaying
dancing crazy wild unknown dances
filled with the roots of origin
holding up high as darkness' sparkle illuminates
loves laughter
freeing all from cages
letting life burst
morph & live
willfully
hopping off
then onto wet
sea salted kelp
brown, golden red
streams of sliding jelly
like ribands gifted
by sleek maids of the crashing waters
singing as silences echo deep & low
reaching far off ears
risen beneath warmer waves
listening, swaying
dancing crazy wild unknown dances
filled with the roots of origin
holding up high as darkness' sparkle illuminates
loves laughter
freeing all from cages
letting life burst
morph & live
willfully
Published 25th Oct 2011
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likes 3
reading list entries 1
comments 3
reads 747
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
25th Oct 2011 6:42pm
Like I've said before: "for me, liking your stuff is egotistical".
So in that vein, here's how I would have edited myself:
(I don't do this often, but if you don't want me to do it again
just tell me and I promise I won't.)
The content is beautiful, but i think, because of the sea, waves,
and birds; that the rhythm (scansion, whatever) needs to have more
'flow' (pun may, or may not, be intended).
"streams of sliding jelly"
the streams of sliding jelly
"by sleek maids of the crashing waters"
by sleek maids of crashing waters
"risen beneath warmer waves"
rise beneath warmer waves
"singing as silences echo deep & low"
singing silences that echo deep & low
"dancing crazy wild unknown dances"
dancing crazy unknown dances
"filled with the roots of origin"
filled with roots of origin
"holding up high as darkness' sparkle illuminates"
holding high as darkness' sparkle luminates
"freeing all from cages
letting life burst
morph & live
willfully
loves laughter"
freeing all from cages
letting life
burst, morph & live
Ha, don't hate me.
By the way: the alliteration, befitting waves and birds, works SO well,
is SO beautiful. -ray
(on my reading list just as it is)
So in that vein, here's how I would have edited myself:
(I don't do this often, but if you don't want me to do it again
just tell me and I promise I won't.)
The content is beautiful, but i think, because of the sea, waves,
and birds; that the rhythm (scansion, whatever) needs to have more
'flow' (pun may, or may not, be intended).
"streams of sliding jelly"
the streams of sliding jelly
"by sleek maids of the crashing waters"
by sleek maids of crashing waters
"risen beneath warmer waves"
rise beneath warmer waves
"singing as silences echo deep & low"
singing silences that echo deep & low
"dancing crazy wild unknown dances"
dancing crazy unknown dances
"filled with the roots of origin"
filled with roots of origin
"holding up high as darkness' sparkle illuminates"
holding high as darkness' sparkle luminates
"freeing all from cages
letting life burst
morph & live
willfully
loves laughter"
freeing all from cages
letting life
burst, morph & live
Ha, don't hate me.
By the way: the alliteration, befitting waves and birds, works SO well,
is SO beautiful. -ray
(on my reading list just as it is)
2nd Nov 2011 9:07am
This poem speaks to me because I often feel that I don't have any control over my own life and that there is no way to avoid the bad things that happen to me.
Thank you! Your poem is beautiful
Thank you! Your poem is beautiful
2nd Nov 2011 10:30am
