deepundergroundpoetry.com
stains upon my thrown
sometimes i search for light
sometimes i cant stand whats right
i see many people
but none see through my peephole
am i smart?
or am i pure evol
because i hide so well
the things im ashamed to tell.
i live in the embarrassment
sulking in silence
of my self-produced harrassment
but i, like others, find joy in the pain
how my tears run again
when i reflect
oh how many have i chose to neglect?
cheap thrills, deep chills
when the shows over
and i feel myself alone
so again, i send
"you wanna come over"
how do i atone
for the stains upon my thrown
i hate myself
because i can never love my own
i am an animal.
sometimes i cant stand whats right
i see many people
but none see through my peephole
am i smart?
or am i pure evol
because i hide so well
the things im ashamed to tell.
i live in the embarrassment
sulking in silence
of my self-produced harrassment
but i, like others, find joy in the pain
how my tears run again
when i reflect
oh how many have i chose to neglect?
cheap thrills, deep chills
when the shows over
and i feel myself alone
so again, i send
"you wanna come over"
how do i atone
for the stains upon my thrown
i hate myself
because i can never love my own
i am an animal.
Published 23rd Jul 2018
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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comments 6
reads 353
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
24th Jul 2018 00:28am
Aside from a few spelling mistakes, this was an excellent poem to read. You've lead your ideas out clearly and I'm sure some readers can relate to your poem.
Welcome to DUP!
Welcome to DUP!
24th Jul 2018 3:41am
You have done a good job getting across what the writer is going through... barring those few spelling errors Luna mentioned
It's a good piece, overall. Keep up the good work.
It's a good piece, overall. Keep up the good work.
24th Jul 2018 3:42am
You have done a good job getting across what the writer is going through... barring those few spelling errors Luna mentioned
It's a good piece, overall. Keep up the good work.
It's a good piece, overall. Keep up the good work.
25th Jul 2018 00:28am
Hey hey stoop. Welcome underground..
Your poem has so much potential and is a great start. But mate we need to work it.. So as per your request here with an honest critique...
stains upon my thrown ( do you mean "thrown" as in to have hurled something at someone? Or "throne" as the thing a king sits on? It would make more sense as "throne"
sometimes i search for light -> suggest "when I search for light" to avoid the repeated "sometimes I" .
sometimes i cant stand whats right -> suggest the correct spelling of "can't" and "what's".
i see many people --> suggest "seeing people" to avoid repeated "I" in above line and redundant "many" people is a plural.
but none see through my peephole
--> suggest changing "see" to "calling" to enhance the image of visitors peering in the little hole in a door.
am i smart? --> suggest a stanza break here.
or am i pure evol (do you mean "evol" as in "love" spelled backwards as pun on the Eminem song? Or "evil" as in villain or bad person? Suggest moving question mark to end of question and removing "am i" repetitive.
because i hide so well --> suggest "hiding" and "because I" to make continuation of previous imagery.
the things im ashamed to tell.
i live in the embarrassment --> suggest "living" to match the dialect below.
sulking in silence
of my self-produced harrassment
but i, like others, find joy in the pain --> suggest "finding" to match dialect above.
how my tears run again --> suggest removing "how" to keep rhythm and avoid question. Suggest new line here for impact.
when i reflect
oh how many have i chose to neglect? -> recomend "I've chosen" to keep the tense present.
cheap thrills, deep chills --> suggest listing on two lines.
when the shows over --> suggest making a statement by removing "when".
and i feel myself alone --> alone is a self feeling. Suggest "feeling" and suggest new stanza after this.
so again, i send --> reckon getting to the image earlier will tidy the tense issue here. i send
"you wanna come over"
how do i atone
for the stains upon my thrown --> "for" reads bumpy.
i hate myself --> this line will work well on It's own.
[because] i can never love my own
i am an animal.
stains upon my throne
when I search for light
sometimes I can't stand what's right
seeing people
but none calling through my peephole
am I smart
or pure evil?
hiding so well
things I'm ashamed to tell
living embarrassment
sulking in silence
finding joy in the pain
my tears run again
when I reflect
how many I've chosen to neglect
cheap thrills
deep chills
the show is over
feeling alone
I send
"you wanna come over"
how do I atone
the stains on my throne?
I hate myself
I can never love my own
I am animal
-x-
I hope I have illustrated how we edit our words to make em fit the page and not our own ideas.
Well done on this piece. Thank you for the read.
Blue Skies at you
Al
Your poem has so much potential and is a great start. But mate we need to work it.. So as per your request here with an honest critique...
stains upon my thrown ( do you mean "thrown" as in to have hurled something at someone? Or "throne" as the thing a king sits on? It would make more sense as "throne"
sometimes i search for light -> suggest "when I search for light" to avoid the repeated "sometimes I" .
sometimes i cant stand whats right -> suggest the correct spelling of "can't" and "what's".
i see many people --> suggest "seeing people" to avoid repeated "I" in above line and redundant "many" people is a plural.
but none see through my peephole
--> suggest changing "see" to "calling" to enhance the image of visitors peering in the little hole in a door.
am i smart? --> suggest a stanza break here.
or am i pure evol (do you mean "evol" as in "love" spelled backwards as pun on the Eminem song? Or "evil" as in villain or bad person? Suggest moving question mark to end of question and removing "am i" repetitive.
because i hide so well --> suggest "hiding" and "because I" to make continuation of previous imagery.
the things im ashamed to tell.
i live in the embarrassment --> suggest "living" to match the dialect below.
sulking in silence
of my self-produced harrassment
but i, like others, find joy in the pain --> suggest "finding" to match dialect above.
how my tears run again --> suggest removing "how" to keep rhythm and avoid question. Suggest new line here for impact.
when i reflect
oh how many have i chose to neglect? -> recomend "I've chosen" to keep the tense present.
cheap thrills, deep chills --> suggest listing on two lines.
when the shows over --> suggest making a statement by removing "when".
and i feel myself alone --> alone is a self feeling. Suggest "feeling" and suggest new stanza after this.
so again, i send --> reckon getting to the image earlier will tidy the tense issue here. i send
"you wanna come over"
how do i atone
for the stains upon my thrown --> "for" reads bumpy.
i hate myself --> this line will work well on It's own.
[because] i can never love my own
i am an animal.
stains upon my throne
when I search for light
sometimes I can't stand what's right
seeing people
but none calling through my peephole
am I smart
or pure evil?
hiding so well
things I'm ashamed to tell
living embarrassment
sulking in silence
finding joy in the pain
my tears run again
when I reflect
how many I've chosen to neglect
cheap thrills
deep chills
the show is over
feeling alone
I send
"you wanna come over"
how do I atone
the stains on my throne?
I hate myself
I can never love my own
I am animal
-x-
I hope I have illustrated how we edit our words to make em fit the page and not our own ideas.
Well done on this piece. Thank you for the read.
Blue Skies at you
Al
26th Jul 2018 11:57pm
Really enjoyed where you went with this write. As mentioned in the comments...I would be one who can relate to this.
Welcome to DP!
Welcome to DP!
10th Aug 2018 5:10am
