Poetic injustice

There is too much ignorance

Yes the world isn't blind just ignorant

Hey bra,

Good to see more of your writing man. Thanks for the inbox asking for critique.
You're right, you have alot of editing still to do here. So let's have a look see...

See, You're writing a pov to society and unfortunately there is much repeated that the pov is lost and an ordinarily brilliant piece get lost half way. So we need to cut it up a bit... The best way is in redundant words. I call words that weren't needed in a poem "redundant" because they just not needed but we add them from habit. A cool resourse to check how many times you repeat the same words that I use is this...

https://www.easycalculation.com/word-count.php

You'll see on the counter that your poem is 364 words but only 163 are unique... The rest are repeated.

Another thing that looses readers is saying the same thing in another way so many times that the reader leaves the page before they get to the poem.

With this in mind I reworked it for you...


Warning signs written upside down
Ignorance wears the crown
Written words make no sound
The world is looking the other way around
We're all getting lost and it's getting dark
--------------everything above here says the same thing, just each sentence says it a different way. ------------------------------

So I started here...


Warning signs written(,) upside down
This is poetic Injustice <-- how do you feel about "through poetic injustice" ?

Preaching words [preaching] to empty ears <--  repeating in the same line..

[Powerful words] painting pictures to empty seats <- suggest deleting repetitive again.

One legged poets[ standing] on broken podiums <- suggest that repetitive again.

Standing firm on[ their] [words] through floods and caving mountains

[But their words] unheard
Because everyone is reading the warning signs upside down
Ignorance (wears) the crown <- wearing
This is poetic Injustice
Martin Luther King Jr [standing on the other side]
Steve Bantu Biko [standing on the other side ] <- how do you feel about "standing accross"
Screaming machine guns [silencing] their tongues <- silence

[Bringing] an end to few eyes that see ether light
Waving a darker veil on [eyes ][already]blind <- suggest "blind eyes"
Puppeteers stringing [the lines]and we all fall in line <- suggest "while we"
Twisting the warning signs[ and] pointing them upside down
Ignorance wears the crown
[We be] dancing to paid stage actors [and] smart looking clowns
Warning signs written upside down
Ignorance wears the crown
This is poetic Injustice


How does it turn out...


Warning signs written upside down
through poetic injustice
Preaching to empty ears
powerful words painting pictures
to empty seats
One legged poets
on broken podiums
standing firm
through floods
and caving mountains
going unheard while
everyone is reading
the warning signs upside down

Ignorance wears the crown
This is poetic Injustice
Martin Luther King Jr
standing accross
Steve Bantu Biko;
screaming machine guns
silence thier tongues
ending few eyes that see ether light
Waving a darker veil
on those who are blind
Puppeteers stringing
and we all fall in line
twisting warning signs
pointing them upside down
Ignorance wears the crown

We're dancing to
paid stage actors
-smart looking clowns
Warning signs written upside down
Ignorance wears the crown

This is poetic Injustice


Now when I put it through that counter it is only 119 words long but 91 words are completely unique.

I hope my reworking it helps you. I'm dying to hear what you think.

Blue Skies at you

Al

It sounds good and probably better
But I feel it loses the message I was trying to get through..... Probably this is due to point of views and emotions invested when writing this piece
But as usual this is why I asked for your contribution

Okay , Poet Of Tragedy :  
 
You as well asked me for my feedback :  
 
Since I pm'ed  you , I read Al's critique ;  
 
I respect Al  highly , and know he really does all he can to help others  
 
and cares about people and poetry ; and I respect the critique group  
 
on this site , though I would find reason to disagree with them on a  
 
number of things ;  
 
This idea of unique words / ideas is one...;)  
 
It is true , there are times words repeated do not work , or ideas...  
 
But to base methodology around that as far as a way to determine  
 
how to write poetry , I highly disagree with...  
 
I further disagree with the way many approach poetry , as though it  
 
strictly is a cerebral exercise , based on style and technique ;  
 
That to *me* , is a great mistake , and disservice to the art of the poet ,  
 
and leaves those with heart and soul , and primal feeling empty ;  
 
 
I have studied enough about the human brain , put together with my  
 
own experience of reading and hearing the work of many through the  
 
years , to be able to make some statements with knowledge and quite  
 
the certainty ;  
 
So given that you asked for my advice and feedback , here it is :  
 
1. The back of the human brain , cerebellum , pons , and medulla oblongata ,  
 
is considered the serpent brain , ape brain , or is called R - complex ;  
 
 
It is our primal brain and reacts best in reprogramming , by reiteration , and  
 
repetition ; Thus similar to beats from tribal drumming , or repetition of certain  
 
words , phrases , rhyme schemes , or saying the same thing over and over again  
 
in different ways ;  
 
If one wishes to entrain the brain , to sway , or convince people of something ,  
 
to imprint consciousness , this *is* the methodology to use :  
 
It is why I use it in my poetry , why politicians , masterful speakers , advertising  
 
agencies , those using mind control techniques use it , religions , parents , and  
 
teachers , repeat things over and over , ( whether they realize why they are doing  
 
it or not...and believe me , far more know this than you think ) think of saying  
 
prayers every nite , or ritual three times a day , or so many other programs we  
 
are continually subjected to...;) ( memes ! )  
 
Add beat , we now have rhyme ; ( and even more programming influence )  
 
So I disagree with the idea repetition of a concept , or idea , in a poem is incorrect ;  
 
I say the opposite !  
 
If you want to get the point across , drill the fuck out of people's consciousness  
 
by repeating it , in as many ways possible , then implant the idea ;  
 
 
There is also the idea that certain beats induce trance states , lulling one into  
 
a state , where one is more receptive to new ideas , or reprogramming...  
 
These things I am speaking of are *most definitely* a double edged sword ,  
 
yet the methods have been used since the earliest days of humanity...  
 
This is *nothing new*...even what I just did , with *most definitely* , and  
 
*nothing new* is a form of programming in poetry , when the technique is  
 
applied , as well when a poet uses italics , or bold , or some other font , to  
 
make words / phrases / sentences , stand out , or fade into the background...  
 
The best poets / writers / speakers / politicians / religious leaders /  know even  
 
this simple rule and use it to great effect...the old bards , and storytellers knew  
 
this well , as well witches , shaman's , medicine people , around the world...  
 
Mantras , and old chants and medicine songs follow this rule...  
 
How does this apply to you here ?  
 
I would not remove this at all :  
 
Warning signs written upside down  
Ignorance wears the crown  
Written words make no sound  
The world is looking the other way around  
 
However , I would do this :  
 
Warning signs written upside down  
Ignorance wears the crown  
Written words make no sound  
World looking other way round  
 
That rhymes , somewhat repeats a basic idea , retains a beat ,  
 
and rolls off the tongue... all back brain imprinting methods...  
 
2.  There is another method to affect the back of brain with poetry / writing / song  
 
or any other method regarding programming , or affecting consciousness...  
 
SHOCK...it is a direct , actually most direct method...  
 
You may be too young to remember...but I know you will understand ;  
 
Peter Gabriel's song , "Shock The Monkey" , was much more than most realize ;  
 
( He is one of my Tradition's initiates )  
 
How would one *shock the monkey* , awaken the ape brain , the best ?  
 
In the jungle ( primal consciousness ) is the answer as anyone who lives in an area  
 
like that knows ; with a snake in a tree !  
 
So utilizing methodology in poetry , where in the poem one introduces a SHOCK , by  
 
words / phrases / concepts / after lulling one into a trance like state is going to produce  
 
the greatest effect !  
 
What in your poem above could produce the greatest shock value ?  
 
Easy...the death of Martin Luther King , and to a lesser degree , as he was not as well known ,  
 
Steve Bantu Biko ( the usage of Jr , with Martin , though correct , reduces word impact )  
 
Yet , you have to make people *feel* their deaths to accomplish the shock value...  
 
Here , I do not *feel* that ;  
 
In other poems you have written , you made me *feel* the pain , of rape , violence , and  
 
death , and it's aftermath...look at your other works...then compare this...you shall see it !  
 
And *more* , *feel* it...  
 
 
3. Now , let us proceed to the frontal brain , and how words / poetry / and writing , apply...  
 
 
The frontal brain is your visualizing , concept forming , imagination center...  
 
So now you must imbed images in the brain , through your words , that shall last forever ,  
 
and can never be forgotten , that shall haunt the consciousness , until , and even after  
 
action is taken to change what you want to convey needs changing...  
 
Example , combining a couple of methods ;  
 
Image : "We be dancing to paid stage actors and smart looking clowns"  
 
Fine , great image : Now , where's the *feeling* ?  
 
What the *fuck* does it feel like to dance to paid stage actors and smart looking clowns ?  
 
If you can't make me *feel* what it is like , then how are you going to  
 
get me up off my ass , and rebel , make a difference , take action ?!  
 
You and I know this is what you want , what you speak of...  
 
And take this same thing to your spoken word !  
 
Emphasis on words , phrases , beats , primal *feeling* !  
 
You are filled with ideas , concepts , feelings ;  
 
This is a great thing , as many lack the soul...  
 
They have technique , they may have the words , maybe the concepts / ideas...  
 
But they do not have the feeling , or soul , which supersedes all else...  
 
Do not sublimate your feeling and soul by some ideas of method and technique ,  
 
taught by professors in some universities , or classical poets , or modern icons  
 
of poetry placed on pedestals who value technique over substance...  
 
This does not mean do not pay attention to style or technique...just do not kowtow  
 
to it , and forget what is our deepest nature...SOUL , FEELING , AND PRIMAL NATURE !  
 
I have given you my best feedback...use it , or not , as you choose !  
 
Love Yah , Bro !  
 
I See Your Heart !

firstly I would like to thank you for taking your time and given such a heart felt and eye opening critique
I too respect revolutionAL a lot his my home boy and if he says die i'll parish
but I have to agree with you here blackwolf using repeated phrases stimulates certain reaction in the brain and it helps get the message across
but I admit too something in this poem was lacking
something that my other poems had that's why I really needed as much contribution I can get
thank you to the both of you
building a titan