mentalnotestoself

------
2:30
------

It's just a typical one-on-one;
we get over these things, right?

I didn't have the chance to say
sweetdreams and I love you,
& tomorrow things will be back to how

We
kiss each other senselessly and laugh at our flaws,
right?

------
9:15
------

Maybe it's too early,
maybe you're busy,
maybe you're still sleeping in
sweet dreams.

Maybe you need time,
I'm just being irrational, here.

But maybe, you're gone.

--------
15:23
--------

I feel like I am slowly getting life in control,
I look through all the work I managed to complete
today, and just for a second, I am
feeling accomplished,
So I decide to test my luck
a hundredth time today,
but regret the moments I, again,
switch on my phone
prayinghopingwishing
your name would be etched on the screen
like it is on my heart
like it is on my hand
like it is on my table
like it is on pages of my books
like it is on everything I have to face

because your name is a meaningless
waste of ink
if you have
disappeared, you know?

--------
18:03
--------

White noise, white noise,
I put my ear to my dying radio,
my only comfort today, and try to deafen out
the beating of my heart, because every beat is
every whisper of your name
because if it wasn't for you,
it would be a deadbeat today
and I don't need your memories right now.

--------
23:41
--------

I tell them I am fine
but my plates are left untouched because
I eat when I am happy,
but I am not, quite obviously.

I laugh at how pathetic I look;
it is a bitter laugh, and I momentarily wonder
if I have successfully
locked my emotions into a place that is cold,
a place where my heart does not beat.

It is only a momentary thought, for you are
suddenly there again, in my mind,
laughing bitterly at me, too,
and it all comes back to me when I stare down at my hands
clutching the sides of the sink for support
like how I would used to hold your hands;

I am a very good liar, sometimes,
even to myself.

------
3:22
------

I fall in and out of sleep,
trying to see if you will be here
in my dreams or in my reality,
but when you are in neither,
where can I go to?

I count down minutes to nothingness, and
the ring on my finger burns.

------
9:34
------

Clutching to his clothes,
I spend dead mornings breathing his scent,
whispering 'come back to me' - not really waiting
for a reply, because none had surfaced so far.

Desperate. They say it's not good
to be desperate, -it's a turn off;
but I desperately need
someone to realize my heart is not a punchbag
and needs stitching up from the misconception -
 again.

Maybe it's a turn off, but it shouldn't be
to him, for he once fell in love with my vulnerability
when he had put together pieces of my heart
& resurrected me.

Perhaps he lied, when doing so; perhaps he was just
one of those who enjoyed
putting jigsaw puzzles together
without framing up the final work,
and just crush up the pieces once
done with it.

--------
11:26
--------

I hate waking up,
not that I was even asleep -
let me rephrase.

I hate opening my eyes because reality hurts too fucking much.

Has something happened to him, it's impossible he can
stay away this long

We're inseparable, remember?

Come back to me and help me breath, please.

--------
11:54
--------

Time is like a Mini Cooper
racing a Ferrari.

--------
12:10
--------

It hurts less when you forget things around you matter.

Earplugs, sunglasses and
scotchtape-on-lips help,
and maybe when I wrap myself in layers and layers of
things,
I can become part of things that don't matter
and just,
stop existing.