deepundergroundpoetry.com
mind unwind
there was a life i lived
in a paper swamp
where i wrote all that dropped
where i lay in front of
green moldy thought
bright trees sinking
covered in moss
and drowned in it
all the thoughts that could come through
like i was lost in my dew
deep open leaves
too many thoughts
stretched and taught
unravelling
im leaning
in fogged clouds
paused and dreaming
in a paper swamp
where i wrote all that dropped
where i lay in front of
green moldy thought
bright trees sinking
covered in moss
and drowned in it
all the thoughts that could come through
like i was lost in my dew
deep open leaves
too many thoughts
stretched and taught
unravelling
im leaning
in fogged clouds
paused and dreaming
Published 1st Jun 2018
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likes 7
reading list entries 1
comments 7
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
2nd Jun 2018 00:11am
Marielle, you conjure beautiful scenes of nature in your work. Brava!
6th Jun 2018 00:14am
2nd Jun 2018 2:38am
I love your way of dreaming...I love your way of relaxing...part of me is like you...
'where i lay in front of
green moldy thought
bright trees sinking
covered in moss
and drowned in it "--The green moldy thought...sinking trees covered in moss...they are nature metaphor I love...
Lovely you with lovely thoughts Marielle!
love
Jasmine
'where i lay in front of
green moldy thought
bright trees sinking
covered in moss
and drowned in it "--The green moldy thought...sinking trees covered in moss...they are nature metaphor I love...
Lovely you with lovely thoughts Marielle!
love
Jasmine
6th Jun 2018 00:15am
thank you rose, yes this is definitely me dreaming and relaxing, the swamp of thoughts submissing in the bliss of our dreams, thank you love <3
This is such a day-dreamy verse! I thoroughly enjoyed the imagery this evoked, as well as the relation to the magic of nature. You have requested honest critique; therefore, I would like to honor that with the following suggestions:
Legend
[ ] recommended deletion
( ) recommended insertion
there was a life i lived
in a paper swamp
[where] i wrote all that dropped
[where] i lay in front
(of ) green ( , ) moldy thought
bright trees sinking
covered [in] ( with ) moss
[and] drown( ing ) in it
[all the]( Too many ) thoughts that [could come] ( came ) through
[like i was lost in my dew ]
( as ) deep open leaves
[too many thoughts]
stretched and taught
unravelling
im leaning
[in] ( against ) fogged clouds
paused and dreaming
There were a few extraneous words, as well as repetitious ones I suggested you replace; however, the challenge was in stanza 3. It was over-worded to the point of confusion, distracting from the imagery. I also recommended space for the ending to breathe.
Again, lovely verse with meditative imagery!
Legend
[ ] recommended deletion
( ) recommended insertion
there was a life i lived
in a paper swamp
[where] i wrote all that dropped
[where] i lay in front
(of ) green ( , ) moldy thought
bright trees sinking
covered [in] ( with ) moss
[and] drown( ing ) in it
[all the]( Too many ) thoughts that [could come] ( came ) through
[like i was lost in my dew ]
( as ) deep open leaves
[too many thoughts]
stretched and taught
unravelling
im leaning
[in] ( against ) fogged clouds
paused and dreaming
There were a few extraneous words, as well as repetitious ones I suggested you replace; however, the challenge was in stanza 3. It was over-worded to the point of confusion, distracting from the imagery. I also recommended space for the ending to breathe.
Again, lovely verse with meditative imagery!
6th Jun 2018 00:15am
wow thank you for taking the time to critique, i love the additions and subtractions. I know the piece needed work and you are always so helpful. much love <3
Anonymous
12th Apr 2019 4:01am
such a lovely cadence to this piece, and imagery too. :)
