Honest Birth

 

So lets be honest with ourself

The things keeping me clean
Are not in clear conscience
They are not for some noble cause
Not some hero complex
Probably just guilt

In all honesty
I don't exactly know why im holding on
   I dont take my meds
     My pill sized meth as some put it
I go to all the sessions
Seeking answers
Maybe some hardwired clossure.

Now lets bring in fear
Guilt and fear go hand in hand
     In this case they are one in the same

Lets say I gave in
   Let all the screaming tear me to absolute shreads
Let is all wash over
The bliss
The sting
The blood

What am I scared of ?
A part is scared i'll become who I once was-
Addict
Someone who just could not get out of their own way.
I lived for the feeling and only that feeling
Up at 4 am
To silence my brain
    No one would catch me
       Religously
Purposely stealing to get what I needed
    Lying to have it all
         Praying not to get cured..but to not get caught-

My head keeps sneaking in images and whispering sweet nothings
Like
Just one or two is fine

Problem is ive faced myself before
      One multiplys
              And walking away from it is enough to destory me on impact.

I know what it is to relapse
    To just black out for a few hours
         Wake up and not feel your skin
                      Oh but the sleep was good.

Funny enough I never completely did get clean
     My weapon of choice is behind me
             Acquiring dust but none the less there..
I just keep lying-
Relapse is apart of recovery
Just one is an accident
It helps, we are still alive
Are we?
 
Guilty Guilty Guilty