deepundergroundpoetry.com
"Perks" of being a Doctor
I delivered a dead fetus a day before yesterday. It was a surreal moment as it was on my hands. The emotions I was feeling were shoved down a hole so to speak as I was calming my patient. Even though she was told her baby was dead a couple of days ago she looked at me with those hopeful eyes if there was any sliver of chance they were wrong. But all I can say as she asked me about the baby was nod side to side and say nothing.
I still could feel the fetus's frail skull on my hand which has been detached from the head with the skin intact. The skin peeled off from the cheeks and the eyes filled with green fluid and the lips black. The body was covered with green liquor. I put the fetus inside a pot below me without the patient seeing it and it felt wrong. I wanted that reality to change, for the baby to be alive and put it on the mothers belly but all I could do is do the next task of removing the placenta.
I could feel my mind shouting and my body wanting to run but all I could do in that moment was stay calm. I was silent not knowing what to say when the resident was saying something of what it sounds like a faded echo. I was asking him to distract my self of the reality I was in but it helped for only a moment. I remember the patient asking me what the sex of the baby was and I didn't know. I was surprised why she even wanted to know. It will make it worse won't it? Her being hopeful for the impossible was what hit me the most.
She knew about her baby's outcome after 9 months of being pregnant. Nine months of planing, hoping and imagining no life without the baby inside of her. Even though she curled up to the side after the delivery and stared down at the ground I knew she was strong. At least that's what i told myself she would be not knowing what else to think of.
And as for me I now know the reason I have been feeling down for the past two days especially today. When I suppress my emotions and be like this I don't know the reason until I get lucky and realize the cause. When I feel, I feel deeply that I bury it but it buries me when it wants. I don't know how to stop that from happening for I have no control over it. I am okay now after writing this, maybe that's what counts for now.
Thanks for reading.
I still could feel the fetus's frail skull on my hand which has been detached from the head with the skin intact. The skin peeled off from the cheeks and the eyes filled with green fluid and the lips black. The body was covered with green liquor. I put the fetus inside a pot below me without the patient seeing it and it felt wrong. I wanted that reality to change, for the baby to be alive and put it on the mothers belly but all I could do is do the next task of removing the placenta.
I could feel my mind shouting and my body wanting to run but all I could do in that moment was stay calm. I was silent not knowing what to say when the resident was saying something of what it sounds like a faded echo. I was asking him to distract my self of the reality I was in but it helped for only a moment. I remember the patient asking me what the sex of the baby was and I didn't know. I was surprised why she even wanted to know. It will make it worse won't it? Her being hopeful for the impossible was what hit me the most.
She knew about her baby's outcome after 9 months of being pregnant. Nine months of planing, hoping and imagining no life without the baby inside of her. Even though she curled up to the side after the delivery and stared down at the ground I knew she was strong. At least that's what i told myself she would be not knowing what else to think of.
And as for me I now know the reason I have been feeling down for the past two days especially today. When I suppress my emotions and be like this I don't know the reason until I get lucky and realize the cause. When I feel, I feel deeply that I bury it but it buries me when it wants. I don't know how to stop that from happening for I have no control over it. I am okay now after writing this, maybe that's what counts for now.
Thanks for reading.
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