All the words I have left

You've requested honest critique and I like this enough to give it to you ( outside of Honestly Crafted Critique ).

Firstly, this is one of the most endearing unrequitted love poems I've ever read. There's something very honest about it. Maybe because I have stood in this very place, and understood the departure of the Muse.  Perhaps I can not only comprehend the validity of feeling like you will never write again, but experienced it as well. Be that all as it may be, this poem has teeth that sink deep and leave a scar on the memory of sticking your time into its mouth to read.  

Secondly, That being ( honestly ) said, let's examine ways to improve it.

I would evaluate each extraneous word that merely detracts from the meat ( vegetarian, in my case ) of the verse first. These words are not only unnecessary, they also are more than likely redundant and/or distract the reader.

"Smoke permeated the air
As it always does around [me].
I could hear the rain pour down
As music blared from their speakers.[. . .]

For example, do you need "down" to make a point of rain pouring? Which way does it typically pour? Certainly not upward; therefore, not only is it extraneous, it's redundant.

Nextly, your metaphors.  I understand what you're attempting to convey with
"As music blared from their speakers."
But, trust me when I tell you that it doesn't work effectively in the poem's favour. I had to literally stop for a moment. . .and think, " WTH? Whose speakers? What music? Ohhhhh s/he's saying that that the pouring rain is blaring?"

Some thinking points: is rain singular or plural? While there's a multitude of drops, rain indicates one body ( containing a multitude of drops ). Now had you said rain droplets, or drops of rain, then "their" would be applicable.

Ask yourself if this really works, then revise accordingly.

"I had no right to look into her eyes;
I avoided her gaze,
And I could not possibly attest to
Whatever beauty not meant to be mine"

Nextish, who is her, and where did she come from? Are you referring to the rain? ( See? ) You go from smoke and rain to her without a bridge. Perhaps instead of inferring ( I think ) the rain is blaring music, why not refer to who the person ( ? ) is you can't look in the eyes. Then there's your lead in sans the confusing line followed by an even more confusing stanza.

Also, as in S1, evaluate your wording. Words are power; utilize their maximum strength and lose the extraneous ( as in using "I" 3x's ). L4 could stand a bit of syntax revision.


"Whatever words I had were left only for me-
Whatever words I had left.
She had her own problems not meant to be consoled
And she was never meant to be mine."

I actually enjoy the repetition of "Whatever" and feel it really works in this. I would suggest removing "left" from L1, as you repeat it in L2 ( and that doesn't work ). I would also comma after problems, and remove "meant" from L3, as it's extraneous. I would also either remove " And " from L4, or replace it with " Anyway, "


"And I can never write again.
And I ca--."

The ending is brilliant. Period.

I hope these suggestions are helpful to you.

Thanks for the read.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read the poem and for giving critique! I appreciate it a lot.

Let me just give a little background behind the writing of the poem.

"As music blared from their speakers" was literally meant. 'She' loved music, and I would often watch her with others listening to music from the side as their speakers blared.  I didn't make it a point to explain any further though - and for that I apologize.  

I kind of just felt like jotting down keywords that would help me, solely, remember. A record of the sorts.

Oh, and thank you again for the criticism! Each point has been well noted for future use. Thank you!

My pleasure. Thank you for accepting so graciously verses " ripping me a new one "! LOL!