deepundergroundpoetry.com
Alone in the light
A radiance shines, brighter then the most spectacular star.
A sun with glimmering rays, a distant orb but not too far.
A beam that pierces, a shimmering spear put through a thin veil.
Red petals open, warm to touch but all too frail.
A crimson core lay bare, an abyss filled beyond confines.
Mesmerizing and captivating, the deepest trance.
An attention taken as dawn signs.
Surreal and hypnotic, a dream not of this world.
Entwined to a stunning shimmer, up lifting to an elegant sight.
Drawn towards a glister, until dusk's last light.
A leaf reaching for a glimmer, with all a stem can muster.
A flower in the rain, fading and growing, with each passing luster.
A brilliant sun, a horizon filled as far as it stretches.
A rose, vibrant and dethorned.
Enchanting and alluring, a star.
A rose, drawn and seized.
Enthralled, its strong stem wavers, bending in the breeze.
A crimson core lay bare, an abyss filled beyond confines.
A Beautiful orb of luminance, time it certainly out shines.
A rose lay open, until a harsh winter's freeze.
Published 1st May 2018
Author's Note
I'm hoping to get generally thoughts, honest opinion good and bad. What are your thoughts on this poem? It's my first poem. Does it flow well, is the rhythm good? My goal was to write a poem using a metaphor to describe feelings of continuely loving a long distance past lover. A Rose continuly growing towards the sun seemed like the best metaphor for that. As a plant is basically an inanimate object that grows and rose was a good metaphor for heart but do you feel its too cliche in how it's used? I couldn't think of better metaphor for this. I wanted to paint imagery as if watching a nature phenomenon accruing? Was all this achieved and could it have been done better? If you could it various aspects of it a rating of 1-10 that would be great too thank you, but mainly looking for thoughts
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 4
reading list entries 1
comments 13
reads 564
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
- Edited 11th Feb 2021 11:45am
1st May 2018 9:11pm
<< post removed >>
2nd May 2018 1:36am
Thank you I appreacte it!! :) do you think it's cliche to use a rose and sun in the way I did?
Anonymous
- Edited 11th Feb 2021 11:45am
2nd May 2018 1:45am
<< post removed >>
1st May 2018 9:31pm
welcome to the DU! Brandon
So you see, you've got lines of adjectives and well they don't flow into a story at all. Honest critique and dissecting poetry takes alot of time and it's harder to be honest when you trying to be nice... So I've taken part of it and chopped it up for you, so you have something to work with... This is all just my honest opinion and is not representive of anything other than trying to help you.
"A radiance shines, brighter then the most spectacular star.
-> who are we talking about here, as a reader it's hard to fathom "A" radiance of nothing?
->
then
ðɛn/Submit
adverb
1.
at that time; at the time in question.
"I was living in Cairo then"
synonyms: at that time, at that point, in those days; More
2.
after that; next; afterwards.
"she won the first and then the second game"
synonyms: next, after that, afterwards, subsequently, later
"she won the first and then the second game"
-> again it's near impossible to understand if you mean the radiance was after the star or the radiance became the star?
-> if you meant the radiance was brighter "than" a star it might make sense... But we unsure what it is that radiates, so that's unlikely
So a possible repair to that line might be...
" The radiant star was spectacular"
" The girl had a spectacular
radiance that shined
like a star"
(I know my second suggestion is cliche' I'm trying to make your words fit!)
A sun with glimmering rays, a distant orb but not too far.
-> honestly, I have no idea why you have this line... Is it to up the word count?
-> we know the sun has glimmering rays! They've always been there!
-> distant isn't that far anyway.
Might be...
A distant orb with glimmering rays, like the sun...
But it still has zero to do with the first line of the poem or the protagonist.
But... I went with..
The distant star was spectacular
it's glimmering rays
were radiant
A beam that pierces, a shimmering spear put through a thin veil. -> just no! Never mind this!
red petals open, warm to touch but all too frail.
-> why dose a star have petals?
-> but let's use it anyway...
The distant star was spectacular
it's glimmering rays
were radiant
as they ignited
the frail red petals
of the warm rose
A crimson core lay bare, an abyss filled beyond confines.
Mesmerizing and captivating, the deepest trance.
-> suggest that this is complicated to the reader and a very long way around the story, also it feels like the lines are the wrong way around.
-> So I went...
The distant star was spectacular
it's glimmering rays
were radiant
as they ignited
the frail red petals
of the
mesmerizing
rose
which lay bare
it's crimson core
to the abyss
Okay, I started you off...
You do the second stanza, let's see how it goes? I'll be back to help with the rest of the editing process.
Enjoy, this is the fun part!
So you see, you've got lines of adjectives and well they don't flow into a story at all. Honest critique and dissecting poetry takes alot of time and it's harder to be honest when you trying to be nice... So I've taken part of it and chopped it up for you, so you have something to work with... This is all just my honest opinion and is not representive of anything other than trying to help you.
"A radiance shines, brighter then the most spectacular star.
-> who are we talking about here, as a reader it's hard to fathom "A" radiance of nothing?
->
then
ðɛn/Submit
adverb
1.
at that time; at the time in question.
"I was living in Cairo then"
synonyms: at that time, at that point, in those days; More
2.
after that; next; afterwards.
"she won the first and then the second game"
synonyms: next, after that, afterwards, subsequently, later
"she won the first and then the second game"
-> again it's near impossible to understand if you mean the radiance was after the star or the radiance became the star?
-> if you meant the radiance was brighter "than" a star it might make sense... But we unsure what it is that radiates, so that's unlikely
So a possible repair to that line might be...
" The radiant star was spectacular"
" The girl had a spectacular
radiance that shined
like a star"
(I know my second suggestion is cliche' I'm trying to make your words fit!)
A sun with glimmering rays, a distant orb but not too far.
-> honestly, I have no idea why you have this line... Is it to up the word count?
-> we know the sun has glimmering rays! They've always been there!
-> distant isn't that far anyway.
Might be...
A distant orb with glimmering rays, like the sun...
But it still has zero to do with the first line of the poem or the protagonist.
But... I went with..
The distant star was spectacular
it's glimmering rays
were radiant
A beam that pierces, a shimmering spear put through a thin veil. -> just no! Never mind this!
red petals open, warm to touch but all too frail.
-> why dose a star have petals?
-> but let's use it anyway...
The distant star was spectacular
it's glimmering rays
were radiant
as they ignited
the frail red petals
of the warm rose
A crimson core lay bare, an abyss filled beyond confines.
Mesmerizing and captivating, the deepest trance.
-> suggest that this is complicated to the reader and a very long way around the story, also it feels like the lines are the wrong way around.
-> So I went...
The distant star was spectacular
it's glimmering rays
were radiant
as they ignited
the frail red petals
of the
mesmerizing
rose
which lay bare
it's crimson core
to the abyss
Okay, I started you off...
You do the second stanza, let's see how it goes? I'll be back to help with the rest of the editing process.
Enjoy, this is the fun part!
Thanks you I really appreciate your thoughts. I was on another forum and wasn't getting much help so I started using a computer program to rate the poem, I got it scored quite high but it's missing that conscious human touch with critique, so I'm doubting the results a bit. Thanks again your thoughts are quite helpful.
My goal for the poem was to make it free verse so I have more freedom and to add more traditional patterns to it when I could, but I really like the changes you made to it at the end it flows really nice. I'm not going to use that though as I want it to be fully of my creation and expression. But I think I'm going to change it with the influence of that style.
I see what your saying with the first line
"A radiance shines, brighter then the most spectacular star"
I thought the second line would clearify that but I see what your saying. I'm trying to be metaphorical and each line I'm writing is supposed to me a statement but maybe it's a bit to metaphorical? I'm going to attempt to clearify what's giving off radiance.
The second line
"A sun with glimmering rays, a distant orb but not too far"
I see where changes need to be made now, but I want this as it's referring to the past love the poem is about, we had a long distance thing going. She's the sun in the poem and I'm the flower. the distant but not too far, aspect refers to the fact that's she's distant on the other side of the world, like the sun is distint from a flower, but not too far to comfort and nurish a flower, like thoughts and memories of her do to me and like the sun distant but not to far for a flower to pursue as a flower is always growing towards the sun.
The lines
"A beam that pierces, a shimmering spear put through a thin veil.
red petals open, warm to touch but all too frail."
Refers to her personality traits pass through any emotionals walls straight to my heart leaving me emotionally comforted, uplifted and vulnerable, like the sun warms flowers and how flowers open up their pedals to sun exposing fail delicate anatomical parts.
The line
"A crimson core lay bare, an abyss filled beyond confines."
Refers the rose which is a metaphor for my heart being exposed and filled with love and thoughts of her
The line
"Mesmerizing and captivating, the deepest trance. "
I also see what you're saying I was having similar thoughts that maybe it breaks the flow a but I wasn't too sure as I saw some other poems that seems to have the flow broken I bit, that the next line fixed that. Mesmerizing and captivating refers to sun, captivating the rose as the rose bends and reaches for its light. I can see that needs to changes and clarified now thanks.
Could you clarify what you mean by it's a bit too complicated and way around the story? I'm not fully following, I want to understand so I know if I want to change those significantly.
I can see I have some changes to make thank you again, I really value your thoughts and you have been the most helpful critiquer so far, I'm going to try to make some changes I would really like another review.
My goal for the poem was to make it free verse so I have more freedom and to add more traditional patterns to it when I could, but I really like the changes you made to it at the end it flows really nice. I'm not going to use that though as I want it to be fully of my creation and expression. But I think I'm going to change it with the influence of that style.
I see what your saying with the first line
"A radiance shines, brighter then the most spectacular star"
I thought the second line would clearify that but I see what your saying. I'm trying to be metaphorical and each line I'm writing is supposed to me a statement but maybe it's a bit to metaphorical? I'm going to attempt to clearify what's giving off radiance.
The second line
"A sun with glimmering rays, a distant orb but not too far"
I see where changes need to be made now, but I want this as it's referring to the past love the poem is about, we had a long distance thing going. She's the sun in the poem and I'm the flower. the distant but not too far, aspect refers to the fact that's she's distant on the other side of the world, like the sun is distint from a flower, but not too far to comfort and nurish a flower, like thoughts and memories of her do to me and like the sun distant but not to far for a flower to pursue as a flower is always growing towards the sun.
The lines
"A beam that pierces, a shimmering spear put through a thin veil.
red petals open, warm to touch but all too frail."
Refers to her personality traits pass through any emotionals walls straight to my heart leaving me emotionally comforted, uplifted and vulnerable, like the sun warms flowers and how flowers open up their pedals to sun exposing fail delicate anatomical parts.
The line
"A crimson core lay bare, an abyss filled beyond confines."
Refers the rose which is a metaphor for my heart being exposed and filled with love and thoughts of her
The line
"Mesmerizing and captivating, the deepest trance. "
I also see what you're saying I was having similar thoughts that maybe it breaks the flow a but I wasn't too sure as I saw some other poems that seems to have the flow broken I bit, that the next line fixed that. Mesmerizing and captivating refers to sun, captivating the rose as the rose bends and reaches for its light. I can see that needs to changes and clarified now thanks.
Could you clarify what you mean by it's a bit too complicated and way around the story? I'm not fully following, I want to understand so I know if I want to change those significantly.
I can see I have some changes to make thank you again, I really value your thoughts and you have been the most helpful critiquer so far, I'm going to try to make some changes I would really like another review.
2nd May 2018 6:33am
No probs... Keep at it!
Billy Snagg below mentions the overuse of the word "rose" and I think he is correct. However what I definately missed last night was how much the word "A" is detracting from your imagery. You may find by simply referencing differently that you reinvent this entire piece.
Cool stuff! Hit me a DM when you want me back. I'm not online much in the coming weeks.
Al
Billy Snagg below mentions the overuse of the word "rose" and I think he is correct. However what I definately missed last night was how much the word "A" is detracting from your imagery. You may find by simply referencing differently that you reinvent this entire piece.
Cool stuff! Hit me a DM when you want me back. I'm not online much in the coming weeks.
Al
1st May 2018 11:53pm
For your first poem, it's a very pleasant read. The metaphors you've used paint a realistic scenery that amazes the readers.
Keep up the excellent work, and welcome to DUP!
Keep up the excellent work, and welcome to DUP!
2nd May 2018 00:25am
On 1st reading, to me, it seems you have overused the word 'rose'. Don't get me wrong, this is a brilliant poem which has its moments. It's an uncut diamond right now. With some careful editing, it could be truly superb. You are three-quarters of the way there with this one, my friend. Keep the original as a reference if you do wish to tweak this. And BTW, I rather like this line, 'A sun with glimmering rays, a distant orb but not too far. ' It's cool. "Your radiance shines brighter than the most spectacular star" is a winner, however. ;-)
2nd May 2018 1:49am
Thanks I really appreciate your feed backs it was both insightful and inspiring. I see that now after read your comment thanks. I quickly changed "a rose, drawn and seized" a flower, drawn and seized" but I'm not sure if it's going to stay that way or changed more. I'll post the new Poem in the comments, when I'm finished. Thanks
you're trying too hard to sound "poetic" ... find your voice, and just write
welcome to dup
welcome to dup
8th May 2018 10:13am
8th May 2018 10:13am
I'm thinking about adding a few more lines but what are your thoughts on this so far? Do you feel this is an improvement or do you feel the first is better or lines in the first that should haven't been removed?"
"In the horizon a rising sun climbs, a distant star.
Mesmerizing, its far reaching rays befall a cloak.
as it's beams pierce, like shimmering spears put through a thin veil.
Captivated, in the withering shade a flower's attention swiftly taken as dawn signs,
its red petals open, left warm to touch but all too frail.
Entwined to a stunning shimmer, up lifting to an elegant sight.
With its crimson core laid bare, an abyss fills beyond confines.
Allured, a red rose grows, vibrant and dethorned."
"In the horizon a rising sun climbs, a distant star.
Mesmerizing, its far reaching rays befall a cloak.
as it's beams pierce, like shimmering spears put through a thin veil.
Captivated, in the withering shade a flower's attention swiftly taken as dawn signs,
its red petals open, left warm to touch but all too frail.
Entwined to a stunning shimmer, up lifting to an elegant sight.
With its crimson core laid bare, an abyss fills beyond confines.
Allured, a red rose grows, vibrant and dethorned."
