I Am A Public Toileteer

 
I’m a budding public toileteer
It’s rare that I show any fear
On entering a public loo
Maybe to pee, maybe to poo
I am always ready for the fight
I hold my breath with all my might
I walk towards the wooden door
I want to open, that's what doors are for
Pull not push, the door creaks loud
Like a robotic metal cat's meow
The door announces my arrival
I pray to god for my survival

The first to hit, the heinous smell
My nose and lungs begin to swell
A hint of Spam, the smell of piss
Pineapple cubes, are hit or miss
My eyes well up, I give a cough
I walk through piss to reach the trough
A place where men stand next to men
And piss like men who’re born again
Some pee left, some pee right
Some compete to get best height
Some pee long, some pee short
Most pee in here as last resort

As I survey the wondrous trough
My guts go tight I want to barf
It doesn’t drain it’s full of piss
The smell coats your lips with a kiss
Despite the feelings in your gut
You aim for the floating cigarette butt
Then a man stands next to you and stares
Clearly out of jealousy he glares
Shaking it dry I feel rather silly
This guy is still staring at my willie
He smiled and said "My name is Bob
I seriously want you to polish my knob
I said "It's not my fault; I was born straight."
"I prefer shampers and dinner before a date."
I kicked him hard in the scroat
My razor slashed open his throat

I said, "I am real sorry there Bobbie."
Realising I now really needed a jobbie
I opened the first cubicle door
Looked at the piss on the floor
There was piss lying all around the seat
The previous user wasn't exactly discreet
Let's see what's behind door number two
The china throne with a huge floating poo
Number three was the obvious next pick
Completely covered in alcoholic sick
The last cubicle smelling of pine and it's clean
Bum quickly sat down on seat my bowels are keen
There's no etiquette, there's no good manners code
In a public toilet when dropping your steaming load

Then I saw it fall to the floor; a round toilet tissue plug
My reaction the same as any mental kind of thug
Then an erect penis gets pushed through the hole
Then a deep, coarse voice asked me to suck his pole
"Sure." I replied; grabbed his cock and stretched it
Got Ronnie the razor out and completely wrecked it
Cut right in at the base of the shaft in this combat
Slice through length ways, there's no saving that
Kick open his cubicle door and repeatedly punch
Then off up to the cafe, I fancy sausages for lunch
Never, ever make an assumption that I am queer
I am an animal: a queer bashing public toileteer