deepundergroundpoetry.com
[ NaPoWriMo - 2018 Collection ] Anatomy of Loss
Prelude
The Known Unknown:
a subconscious Being residing
amid our Living waters;
an under-pulse within reach
of understanding
Its indecipherable meaning
barely beyond explainable feeling
neonatal in our inked pens
gestating awareness
An unconscious Light Source
awakening revelation
from doubt and confusion
looting contented ships
sailing uncharted territories
It's the most welcomed death
we'll willingly birth ourselves
human bone to experience
So delectible, Life's taste
eagerly swallowed
before severed, screaming
from the leaking nipple
by separated illusion
And that, Dear Reader
is scarcely the beginning
And yet, it isn't . . .
I
The beginning is vaulted
memory vague as dreams
infrequently recalled
in their truest context
Denizins of mapped choice
are an eco-system of experience
so vast, existence expands
to accommodate us
before snapping back
This blueprint of breath
designed to offer an array
of options simple as a direction;
or, complex as manifestation
We could choose a billion
variations, and would barely
move granuals of mountain
through ten thousand eons
Lifetimes are mere blips
amid a spectrum of time
that doesn't really exist
beyond our human minds
And yet, it does
Because, what is Time
but a mechanical process hurdling itself
through indefinite space
An irreversable non-existence
routed between present and future
hinged on successive measurement
sequenced in scheduled events;
Mathmatics comprised of seconds
an elevated fourth dimension;
Reason positing a spacial solution
appeasing third-dimensional beings
Their insatiable thirst for knowledge
logging each discovery in moment
Time, its restrictive force binding
the essence of freedom they seek
Years, constructed from days
in intervals of hours, and so on. . .
swallowing second-hand by minute
limitless potential infinite as Pi
'Does anybody really know what time it is
Does anybody really care
If so, I can't imagine why'
II
.i
Tears, Dead Sea scrolls
forming endless salt pillars --
bitter purge, emotionally mundane
stark perception of illusion
Lower vibration, confusion
encased in human condition;
adorned misunderstanding
layered as seasonal clothing
Pudgy at birth, we unraveled
rolled skin for paper-thinned age
spotty, bruised, torn remnants;
Time, a long departed visitor
Our constrictive flesh, self-created
star of solar plexus turned super nova
splintering our remnant dust
back into the Universe
Death: A morse-coded language of
was
turned burning constellation of Us
charting birth all over again to live
Perseus, Andromeda, Zeus --
mythology or Native American tongue
At the birth of the sun
and of his brother the moon
their mother died.
So the sun gave to the earth her body
from which was to spring all life.
And he drew forth from her breast
the stars, and threw into the night sky
to remind him of her soul.
So there's our testament
to history in systems of belief
each an ending remnant
of having been;
There is always a trace of Death
in every Life we've lived;
a blueprinted library of reference
.ii
We are drawn to kindred
libertine in celestial clusters
partial dust of our own being
beckoning their distance
Faint beacons, winking eyes
of dipper-shaped watchers
bulls, bows and arrows
Water Bearers, bright red Antares
beating steady in Scorpius;
a worn Heart on the sleeve of space
whose Love cannot be extinquished
More deeply stirring to the blood
than any earthly knowledge
could be, real or imagined
Skin-shrouded loneliness;
the price of choice
and discovering ourselves
through perpetual loss
Love doesn't alter
when it alteration finds
it only ever begins
over, and over again
III
.i
The heart's capacity to Love
remains unknown
until broken by contrast;
contents spreading as olive oil
over a painful harvest
The deeper the hurt
the higher the joy;
a ladder's rungs
in the evolution of Us
Sowing carefully these
parted furrows of experience
It's not a bud opening
in season that surpasses time;
But the surviving bulb
within a catalyst of soil
persevering its dark Life
It is not what blooms
that matters the most
but what is rooted
and can only be felt
Our beaded hands
now coppered from blood
have sewn a guarantee
that will annually return
It is the Glory of God
to conceal a matter
( even in dirt )
and the honor of Kings
to search it out
( unto Death )
Bound in Love has always
been Our Fate;
Its strength Belief
Its Heartbeat Grace
Until tasting ripened fruit
peeling an orange's blouse --
its nakedness moist on our lips
We rest a bit, mend Our Hearts
then rise, Hand-in-Hand
.ii
Facing the trek
one cannot say to the wind
Withhold yourself;
We can only adjust our sails
to endure its force
Our inability to recall decisions
would have us believe it wasn't by choice;
But, it was, and is a customed safety net
We charted these rough waters
of forgetfulness to navigate
cataracts of blindness
Sailed into sunken sockets
starless voids, frigid darkness
a damp skin of fog enveloping Us
We forage arid wilderness
for mannah, pray Our hunger
against grain of circumstance
Envision a paradigm shift
axis tilting Our feet
from northern loneliness
That southern cross-road
of warmth, its one way sign
Home Just Ahead
--------------->
( p.s. Don't give up )
Inside, Our daily bread;
new eyes holding space
atop mended Hearts
of aged experience
Outside, the capricious wind
withholds itself
IV
.i
Blustery conditions closed nature's gate
with an icy cold rain yesterday
In my younger days
I would've donned a plastic poncho
and venture out anyway
But, asthma, dormant for years
has awakened for a final stand;
and these crippled lungs
don't have a crutch
so I dare not risk my health
The solitude of cancelled plans
stirred my soul to wake more deeply
to the destiny of my making
Truth and Trust move inside
positioning themselves justly
against the barricade of a Heart
that maintains its defense
In accordance to declarations
I fail to recollect
a Holy war has commenced
its motto:
“Live your Truth, and Trust
will always touch your Heart.”
It became yesterday's mantra
within white-candled walls
and incense
.ii
Today the sun is brilliant
diamond droplets stirring grass;
watery insects of firey light
and I realize
Loss is never what we think it is;
We never lose our ability to live
despite change engulfing Us
We evolve willingly, or not;
forget, or don't; let go, or hold on;
Face the circumstance, or run;
Throw in the towel, or fight;
Look to the future, or back
walk onward, or turn pillar of salt
The bones of loss are but
an opportunity to discover
you either are, or aren't
what you think you're made of
The revelation is solid
V
.i
From birth, categorization begins
compartmentalizing by parents
teachers, family, friends;
domesticating our human nature
into acceptibly conformed behavior
As we mature, employers
romantic partners, spouses
children, neighbors, the PTA
or a jury of our peers pass judgment
until unsure of who we truly are
If we ever knew to begin with
We pattern ourselves to please
by early attempts
to put blocks in the right shape
Obey from young mistakes
garnering hands slapped
until swollen, reddish pink
Train ourselves to conform
from public discipline
attracting a belt across our back
Wonder years are half-spent
secretly exploring
who we're told we aren't: ourselves
And, resisting who they tell us
we are according to their labels
For those who seek, there is Truth
waiting to be discovered
Those who accept their sentence
suffer torture in a prison cell
of their own creation
This is the blood-letting of real loss;
But, Life will not bleed to death
It is endless
.ii
As long as breath exists
there is chance; even unto Death
comes afterward in memory
Choice presents herself
an angry mistress or amiable love
offering 50 percent chance of regret
if you allow it
The Future shouldn't be weighed
by what wasn't chosen
or measured contemplations
"If only I had done
this. . .or that;
What if . . ."
There is beauty in deprivation
Its marble contrast cold
against the soft lawn of a cemetery
This is the Heart of Loss:
Lavender wisteria molts
on the vine, melts as candles
across the ground
It is not our diminution
that they die before us
but the evergreen's gain
having adorned their beauty
We are blessed witnesses
to their now endless existence
Our pulse beats funerary drums
to a migration of blood
Its rhythm is humble gratitude
not the destitution of loss
VI
.i
We are patches of many color
stitched together in existence
Even those faded and worn
are covered with freshly created
Conjoining them infinitly:
aged and young
in survival and strength
Lifetimes become grounded
layers and shades of shale;
sedimentary rock forming history
and discoveries to be lived
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust
from stars to the bosom of Earth
sans a Life Force once housed;
this is the reason for Loss:
Regenerative Breath
in endless cycles of Birth
.ii
What can be added unto
a full life lest it overflow
Or, that which is stagnant
to anything new
Every day is different
yet the sun rises unchanged
Despite weather
the lunar push and pull remains
Holding on suffocates experience
draws breath from hope's lungs
until an emphysemic collapse
imminently courts Death
Ask of your heart drum, now
Surrender, that I may follow
the beat of my own Life
and not walk this path again
For what can enter
that which is closed
least of all Love
Silence begs it remember
its own secret of Loss:
Fear is venomous to release;
Perdition its only antidote
VII
.i
Today I drove downtown
picked up Dragon's Blood incense
and a Tibitian bell
dangling from a brass elephant
This soothing sound
triggered a forgotten era
entombed in my DNA
A blue crystal ball
flanked by ruby spheres
join the chime and mammal
linking physical and Spiritual
Seeking to become more sincere
it will provide focus
while surrendered to Love
outside my comfort zone
The further I move
from Western life, the closer
I feel to an unknown home
of barefeet and tintinnabulums
singing bowls and chanted mantras
A sanctuary of contemplation
an inner temple of no attachment
deep emptiness with nothing to lose
peaceful being I've never known
This is the Truth of Loss, my friends:
There honestly is none
.ii
Humans mimic seasons
shed organic casings
as fields of Spring lilies
ensuing winter's strident march
before summer's ardent burning
Yet, cycles are not Nature's loss
but, an infinite circle of growth
whose cyclic yield increases
what was once possessed
Oaks are thicker
irises double their bloom
tea roses carpet the bush
If strength is to loosen self
as a mountain releasing its own rocks
into an avalanche
And courage to open up
as flowers sacrificing their hearts
for breathe despite death
Then is not the Lesson of Loss
to willingly relinquish control
through each and every experience
And learn gain only by letting go
VIII
.i
We cannot retain
what is not ours to possess;
a formation of atoms
into three-dimensional artifacts
Tangible energy housed
in humans and trinkets
landscapes and dwellings
A whirlwind of molecules
swirling in formation
I tap my energy
into a phone or computer
its meaning resonates
with the me inside you
Vibrations of feeling entwine
in affectionate mastery
Or, clash in respective history
begging us question. . .
What has been left undone within me
that requires healing for peace;
What did I step out of myself to see
.ii
It is impossible to wholly observe
each aspect of a lifetime
from within its skeleton
Optical filters condense actuality
into a canned essence
of truth sans extended substance
Personal perception is not
Universal Reality, yet is forced
with judgement if rejected
This is what it means to be human:
Repetitiously existing one incarnation
to the next, until overcoming fear
Accepting each individual circumstance
as contrast vs loss; not as a victim
but creator of all future experience;
Recognizing the reason we returned
is to accept responsibility, and evolve
IX
.i
Blame: spiritual detonation
Accuse. Judge. Condemn guilty
of circumstance, disempowering
the opportunity for growth
Shame, playing the victim
damaging the soil of Love
which cannot survive such injury
Unless acknowledged
by rising above
Where is there to go from blame
except circular motion, repetition
duplicating pattern within pattern
until ingrained in contemplation
In the mirror there is solution;
tactile braille on embossed reflection
conveying the soul of intuition
It cannot be spoken, only felt
by your solar plexus
that many pointed star of nerves
radiating . . .
There is no fault; let it go
Trust your Spirit Guide --
there is nothing to lose
except yourself to blame
if you continue holding on
.ii
The art of letting go
takes lifetimes to master
Obsessive thoughts linger--
swelling into anger
their toxicity spreading
There are no redos in life
no moments backtracking
into a milk and honey life
Only the circular trek of walking
a broken compass
of past circumstance
The lonely frequent often
desserts of forgotten years
paying homage to what ifs
Plotting vicious revenge
competitive gossiping
playing victim to their own choice
Starving the Spirit raw
until nothing but bones
What then becomes of them
their lying tongue, betraying heart
nomadic tribes of cliques
seeking to belong
They evolve in their own time
with help from those who've lived
and overcame in Love
X
.i
To taste gain is to trade
some thing for another;
replacement by virtue of change
Though rubble be bloody
from fragments of sky --
it's the desired beginning
The Universe responds
to levels of vibration;
frequency attracts frequency
Should you gaze upon only lack;
cracked windows, leaky roof
with no hope of redemption
Appalachia is filled with shacks
housing destitute souls;
starving and cold shells
How can one possibly vault
poverty when they've known
nothing else to compare it to
Yet, I tell you it has been done
and it all began with loss
Light arises within flesh
reminds us who we are
when presented alternatives
Not missionaries who require
recitation of the 'sinner's prayer'
so a starving man can eat
or the cold receive blankets
sick and dying medicine
to retain a speck of dignity
But, those who ask for nothing
save you take what they're offering
that your hunger be nourished
They don't preach the word
or shame your circumstance
as all you've ever lived;
They shine; reek of Light
kindness on their breath;
possess warmth of heart
Answer only if asked
why are you doing this
to which they reply
Because I Love
Those are the Ones
peeling a dark moment
to reveal its ripening fruit
And once you've tasted --
you'll never look back
nor remember this loss
Despite it being all you had
XI
.i
Mississippi mud shack
walls cracked with spring
or winter depending
on the season it was
Dirt through floor boards
never changed regardless
of what weather was born
I was a cotton picker hanging
from my cousin's back
alongside the negro
Deep south was the same
to poor white trash
as it was black slaves
And yet there was happiness;
an untasted closeness
among the geography
of wealth and greed
Untamed beauty resides
in poverty the affluent
consider loss of equality
The wise know gratitude
not for gluttunous coiffeurs
but dialy bread to break
Blessed and shared
intimately by friends and family
while the upper eschelon
lost amid their grand estates
Contemplate entire fortunes
eschewed for a Life of Love
.ii
What propogates success
Is it opportunity, determination
relentless pursuit of happiness
Only to discover it wasn't
what was believed to begin with
so all seems lost for naught
Reaching outward, searching
arms and hands stretched
far from the epicenter of self
Hoping to discover a Holy Grail
of contentment, excavating
caverns of years, mining hours
Always pyrite at fingertips
yet onward digging for gold
tunneling moments down
Ever external, there, somewhere
over the rainbow, across the bridge
beyond a great divide it lies
What's been sought since birth
But, it's never found around
the next bend or over that hill
One day during rest, it rises
quietly, flooding chambers
of heart in sudden realization
Nothing's 'out there' to be found
least of all peace and Love
it's only ever been within myself
XII
.i
In the beginning, creation
was born from resonance;
a vibration of tangible flesh
Loss is measured in perspective;
if it gains material possessions
but loses itself through process
what then has it really attained
and vice versa
It was once said he is no fool
to give up what he cannot possess
for that which he can:
Honor, dignity, and respect
carve out a circle of balance;
law of sower and seed
For whatsoever is sown
thus shall be reaped
in this lifetime, and the next
Because in the end, only kindness
counts as profitable from contrast
of experience toward evolution
All else is vanity and loss
or so the Preacher said
.ii
What then of vanity
pointless pride in self
accomplishment
For there is nothing new
under the sun, including
what you do this moment
Because you've been here
before, standing at this crossroad
ready to choose again
Listening to your instinct
saying, stay straight. . .
yet looking right or left, unsure
Or over the shoulder, from where
you came, unsettled by choices
in what you've created
Slowly turning bitter salt
unable to let go, move forward
accept the double-helixed blueprint
drafted by your own hand
Sealed in wax, libraried scroll
uncracked until returned home
determined to re-experience;
This time remembering--
or perhaps heeding
what needs be done:
A choice you haven't made
XIII
.i
Déjà vécu, we've already lived
lifetimes, vaguely remembering
faces, places, what was said
Experience haunts our Being
years attempting understanding
What Life was, or wasn't ours
to command, to retire adorned
in comforts of each other's smile
The security of Love so foreign
to most, their minds entertain
such an existence as false
For how could such rarity
exist if untasted first hand
Glimpses of light, whittled words
conversations in part trickle
memory bank, safety deposit box
secure in a historical vault of Us
But still, we've been here before
duel keys in hand, the code waiting
to be unlocked by our next choice
Despite all odds, now and then
I stand with you in distance
holding space between this:
Treasure hunt of choices
a box of chocolates
never knowing with certainty
where it will lead --
only that it shows Us
moment to moment
where we are to be
.ii
Deja senti, or so now I feel
presence within the memory well
reforming our destiny again
Water of Life from the central Source
glassine in natural element;
such a pure and flowing remembrance
No paranormal needing explained
simple organics personified
creating a free-will circumstance
Arthritic bones, olden and hinged
creak beneath aged sinew and flesh
of our third dimensional Beings
Atrophied shale of retired muscle
rocks gently a sagging train of thought
requiring no intuition for this;
When all is quiet, and all is done
Others won't remember what you said
nor what it was you did, even when;
only how you made them feel
And that's the entire Truth of it
.iii
Déjà visité, I know this place
as though I lived here myself
ruins of jagged stone stretching
miles into the atmosphere
Some towering legacy, labor
of a nobleman long buried
But I, I know this very place
where gardens graced the lake
A covered footpath in a glade
stepping stones reclaimed by dirt
gardener's shack with aging tools
and . . .there it is, the secret swing
Peeling paint, rotting wood
half hung by frayed rope, memories--
the mighty oak from which it swung
now a snag reclaimed by nature
This geography and spatial relation
are as bodies of ocean meeting;
two amalgamating entities cojoining
to bind physical and spiritual Being
This body is different, Spirit is not
its Source ineffably unchanged --
the steps I trod, once I skipped
to Love born under that tree
That lifetime gone, this one not
so different, and yet the same
This old swing, that old tree
the castle in which I played
I cannot remember face nor name
I cannot utter the sound or game;
But, ruins stretching high their aim
O! Yes; I certainly know this place
XIV
.i
I'm uncertain what's left
to dissect in currency of breath;
of world elitism, perhaps
no thing remains to be gained
We pillage through chambers
of heart seeking its riveting
source: the will to sustain Life
by continually emptying itself
Dissect black tar and nicotine
from advanced lung disease
Hemisphere the brain beyond
our own limited capacity for cure
Acupuncture nerves from pain
Meditate worries away;
stretch muscles firmly taut
while compassion wanes
A lifetime is spent filling
surroundings materially;
competing for a win fiercely
refusing to relinquish gracefully
That one more thing be owned
through years of avoiding death
Not for the honor or glory it brings
for there is none in possessivness
but . . .
from a paralyzing fear of loneliness
born from a deep agony of loss
.ii
Here we have it – the Known Unknown
a vacuum of tangible loss coupling
with living, regenerative energy
Transformation shapeshifts circumstance
from visible to a parallel universe
of uncalculated cause and effect
I currently choose this, now, Us
but, how will we eventually evolve
by turning right verses left
Or, selecting a Friday evening movie
instead of the usual Saturday matinee
we’ve grown accustomed to seeing
I read once that if we lived even 10,000
lifetimes we wouldn’t have moved
but a few granules from a mountain of choice
If you think hard about it, it’s truth
patterns of multi-dimensional being
splaying as deltas into more of the same
Infinite possibility born of a single decision
and one more, and another, and so forth
not in centuries, but mere seconds
We return again and again to experience
because next time we’ll turn left;
and after that, perhaps stay straight
Postlude
It was once written
that there was nothing new
under the sun, no fresh thing
that hadn't yet been done
The reality of such a sentence
spins eternally from reference
we won't encounter twice
Instead, we yearn to grow, learn
what our alternate reality already knows
as it cultivates our knowledge now;
a parallel split of atomic energy
from a singular Source of Being
expanding thick as undergrowth
That Known Being residing amid
our Living waters makes Us human;
the Unknown afterlife (w)hol(l)y Spiritual
We come to realize through eons
that Loss is just a term, a contrast
of desire, possessive expectation;
a false illusion tempting doubt
We evolve deeper into ourselves
by leaving it all behind in Death;
our roots reaching toward Truth
. . . an inch at a time during each birth;
those many manifested Lifeforms
we willingly choose to experience
And that, Dear Reader, is scarecely
The End
. . .
The Known Unknown:
a subconscious Being residing
amid our Living waters;
an under-pulse within reach
of understanding
Its indecipherable meaning
barely beyond explainable feeling
neonatal in our inked pens
gestating awareness
An unconscious Light Source
awakening revelation
from doubt and confusion
looting contented ships
sailing uncharted territories
It's the most welcomed death
we'll willingly birth ourselves
human bone to experience
So delectible, Life's taste
eagerly swallowed
before severed, screaming
from the leaking nipple
by separated illusion
And that, Dear Reader
is scarcely the beginning
And yet, it isn't . . .
I
The beginning is vaulted
memory vague as dreams
infrequently recalled
in their truest context
Denizins of mapped choice
are an eco-system of experience
so vast, existence expands
to accommodate us
before snapping back
This blueprint of breath
designed to offer an array
of options simple as a direction;
or, complex as manifestation
We could choose a billion
variations, and would barely
move granuals of mountain
through ten thousand eons
Lifetimes are mere blips
amid a spectrum of time
that doesn't really exist
beyond our human minds
And yet, it does
Because, what is Time
but a mechanical process hurdling itself
through indefinite space
An irreversable non-existence
routed between present and future
hinged on successive measurement
sequenced in scheduled events;
Mathmatics comprised of seconds
an elevated fourth dimension;
Reason positing a spacial solution
appeasing third-dimensional beings
Their insatiable thirst for knowledge
logging each discovery in moment
Time, its restrictive force binding
the essence of freedom they seek
Years, constructed from days
in intervals of hours, and so on. . .
swallowing second-hand by minute
limitless potential infinite as Pi
'Does anybody really know what time it is
Does anybody really care
If so, I can't imagine why'
II
.i
Tears, Dead Sea scrolls
forming endless salt pillars --
bitter purge, emotionally mundane
stark perception of illusion
Lower vibration, confusion
encased in human condition;
adorned misunderstanding
layered as seasonal clothing
Pudgy at birth, we unraveled
rolled skin for paper-thinned age
spotty, bruised, torn remnants;
Time, a long departed visitor
Our constrictive flesh, self-created
star of solar plexus turned super nova
splintering our remnant dust
back into the Universe
Death: A morse-coded language of
was
turned burning constellation of Us
charting birth all over again to live
Perseus, Andromeda, Zeus --
mythology or Native American tongue
At the birth of the sun
and of his brother the moon
their mother died.
So the sun gave to the earth her body
from which was to spring all life.
And he drew forth from her breast
the stars, and threw into the night sky
to remind him of her soul.
So there's our testament
to history in systems of belief
each an ending remnant
of having been;
There is always a trace of Death
in every Life we've lived;
a blueprinted library of reference
.ii
We are drawn to kindred
libertine in celestial clusters
partial dust of our own being
beckoning their distance
Faint beacons, winking eyes
of dipper-shaped watchers
bulls, bows and arrows
Water Bearers, bright red Antares
beating steady in Scorpius;
a worn Heart on the sleeve of space
whose Love cannot be extinquished
More deeply stirring to the blood
than any earthly knowledge
could be, real or imagined
Skin-shrouded loneliness;
the price of choice
and discovering ourselves
through perpetual loss
Love doesn't alter
when it alteration finds
it only ever begins
over, and over again
III
.i
The heart's capacity to Love
remains unknown
until broken by contrast;
contents spreading as olive oil
over a painful harvest
The deeper the hurt
the higher the joy;
a ladder's rungs
in the evolution of Us
Sowing carefully these
parted furrows of experience
It's not a bud opening
in season that surpasses time;
But the surviving bulb
within a catalyst of soil
persevering its dark Life
It is not what blooms
that matters the most
but what is rooted
and can only be felt
Our beaded hands
now coppered from blood
have sewn a guarantee
that will annually return
It is the Glory of God
to conceal a matter
( even in dirt )
and the honor of Kings
to search it out
( unto Death )
Bound in Love has always
been Our Fate;
Its strength Belief
Its Heartbeat Grace
Until tasting ripened fruit
peeling an orange's blouse --
its nakedness moist on our lips
We rest a bit, mend Our Hearts
then rise, Hand-in-Hand
.ii
Facing the trek
one cannot say to the wind
Withhold yourself;
We can only adjust our sails
to endure its force
Our inability to recall decisions
would have us believe it wasn't by choice;
But, it was, and is a customed safety net
We charted these rough waters
of forgetfulness to navigate
cataracts of blindness
Sailed into sunken sockets
starless voids, frigid darkness
a damp skin of fog enveloping Us
We forage arid wilderness
for mannah, pray Our hunger
against grain of circumstance
Envision a paradigm shift
axis tilting Our feet
from northern loneliness
That southern cross-road
of warmth, its one way sign
Home Just Ahead
--------------->
( p.s. Don't give up )
Inside, Our daily bread;
new eyes holding space
atop mended Hearts
of aged experience
Outside, the capricious wind
withholds itself
IV
.i
Blustery conditions closed nature's gate
with an icy cold rain yesterday
In my younger days
I would've donned a plastic poncho
and venture out anyway
But, asthma, dormant for years
has awakened for a final stand;
and these crippled lungs
don't have a crutch
so I dare not risk my health
The solitude of cancelled plans
stirred my soul to wake more deeply
to the destiny of my making
Truth and Trust move inside
positioning themselves justly
against the barricade of a Heart
that maintains its defense
In accordance to declarations
I fail to recollect
a Holy war has commenced
its motto:
“Live your Truth, and Trust
will always touch your Heart.”
It became yesterday's mantra
within white-candled walls
and incense
.ii
Today the sun is brilliant
diamond droplets stirring grass;
watery insects of firey light
and I realize
Loss is never what we think it is;
We never lose our ability to live
despite change engulfing Us
We evolve willingly, or not;
forget, or don't; let go, or hold on;
Face the circumstance, or run;
Throw in the towel, or fight;
Look to the future, or back
walk onward, or turn pillar of salt
The bones of loss are but
an opportunity to discover
you either are, or aren't
what you think you're made of
The revelation is solid
V
.i
From birth, categorization begins
compartmentalizing by parents
teachers, family, friends;
domesticating our human nature
into acceptibly conformed behavior
As we mature, employers
romantic partners, spouses
children, neighbors, the PTA
or a jury of our peers pass judgment
until unsure of who we truly are
If we ever knew to begin with
We pattern ourselves to please
by early attempts
to put blocks in the right shape
Obey from young mistakes
garnering hands slapped
until swollen, reddish pink
Train ourselves to conform
from public discipline
attracting a belt across our back
Wonder years are half-spent
secretly exploring
who we're told we aren't: ourselves
And, resisting who they tell us
we are according to their labels
For those who seek, there is Truth
waiting to be discovered
Those who accept their sentence
suffer torture in a prison cell
of their own creation
This is the blood-letting of real loss;
But, Life will not bleed to death
It is endless
.ii
As long as breath exists
there is chance; even unto Death
comes afterward in memory
Choice presents herself
an angry mistress or amiable love
offering 50 percent chance of regret
if you allow it
The Future shouldn't be weighed
by what wasn't chosen
or measured contemplations
"If only I had done
this. . .or that;
What if . . ."
There is beauty in deprivation
Its marble contrast cold
against the soft lawn of a cemetery
This is the Heart of Loss:
Lavender wisteria molts
on the vine, melts as candles
across the ground
It is not our diminution
that they die before us
but the evergreen's gain
having adorned their beauty
We are blessed witnesses
to their now endless existence
Our pulse beats funerary drums
to a migration of blood
Its rhythm is humble gratitude
not the destitution of loss
VI
.i
We are patches of many color
stitched together in existence
Even those faded and worn
are covered with freshly created
Conjoining them infinitly:
aged and young
in survival and strength
Lifetimes become grounded
layers and shades of shale;
sedimentary rock forming history
and discoveries to be lived
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust
from stars to the bosom of Earth
sans a Life Force once housed;
this is the reason for Loss:
Regenerative Breath
in endless cycles of Birth
.ii
What can be added unto
a full life lest it overflow
Or, that which is stagnant
to anything new
Every day is different
yet the sun rises unchanged
Despite weather
the lunar push and pull remains
Holding on suffocates experience
draws breath from hope's lungs
until an emphysemic collapse
imminently courts Death
Ask of your heart drum, now
Surrender, that I may follow
the beat of my own Life
and not walk this path again
For what can enter
that which is closed
least of all Love
Silence begs it remember
its own secret of Loss:
Fear is venomous to release;
Perdition its only antidote
VII
.i
Today I drove downtown
picked up Dragon's Blood incense
and a Tibitian bell
dangling from a brass elephant
This soothing sound
triggered a forgotten era
entombed in my DNA
A blue crystal ball
flanked by ruby spheres
join the chime and mammal
linking physical and Spiritual
Seeking to become more sincere
it will provide focus
while surrendered to Love
outside my comfort zone
The further I move
from Western life, the closer
I feel to an unknown home
of barefeet and tintinnabulums
singing bowls and chanted mantras
A sanctuary of contemplation
an inner temple of no attachment
deep emptiness with nothing to lose
peaceful being I've never known
This is the Truth of Loss, my friends:
There honestly is none
.ii
Humans mimic seasons
shed organic casings
as fields of Spring lilies
ensuing winter's strident march
before summer's ardent burning
Yet, cycles are not Nature's loss
but, an infinite circle of growth
whose cyclic yield increases
what was once possessed
Oaks are thicker
irises double their bloom
tea roses carpet the bush
If strength is to loosen self
as a mountain releasing its own rocks
into an avalanche
And courage to open up
as flowers sacrificing their hearts
for breathe despite death
Then is not the Lesson of Loss
to willingly relinquish control
through each and every experience
And learn gain only by letting go
VIII
.i
We cannot retain
what is not ours to possess;
a formation of atoms
into three-dimensional artifacts
Tangible energy housed
in humans and trinkets
landscapes and dwellings
A whirlwind of molecules
swirling in formation
I tap my energy
into a phone or computer
its meaning resonates
with the me inside you
Vibrations of feeling entwine
in affectionate mastery
Or, clash in respective history
begging us question. . .
What has been left undone within me
that requires healing for peace;
What did I step out of myself to see
.ii
It is impossible to wholly observe
each aspect of a lifetime
from within its skeleton
Optical filters condense actuality
into a canned essence
of truth sans extended substance
Personal perception is not
Universal Reality, yet is forced
with judgement if rejected
This is what it means to be human:
Repetitiously existing one incarnation
to the next, until overcoming fear
Accepting each individual circumstance
as contrast vs loss; not as a victim
but creator of all future experience;
Recognizing the reason we returned
is to accept responsibility, and evolve
IX
.i
Blame: spiritual detonation
Accuse. Judge. Condemn guilty
of circumstance, disempowering
the opportunity for growth
Shame, playing the victim
damaging the soil of Love
which cannot survive such injury
Unless acknowledged
by rising above
Where is there to go from blame
except circular motion, repetition
duplicating pattern within pattern
until ingrained in contemplation
In the mirror there is solution;
tactile braille on embossed reflection
conveying the soul of intuition
It cannot be spoken, only felt
by your solar plexus
that many pointed star of nerves
radiating . . .
There is no fault; let it go
Trust your Spirit Guide --
there is nothing to lose
except yourself to blame
if you continue holding on
.ii
The art of letting go
takes lifetimes to master
Obsessive thoughts linger--
swelling into anger
their toxicity spreading
There are no redos in life
no moments backtracking
into a milk and honey life
Only the circular trek of walking
a broken compass
of past circumstance
The lonely frequent often
desserts of forgotten years
paying homage to what ifs
Plotting vicious revenge
competitive gossiping
playing victim to their own choice
Starving the Spirit raw
until nothing but bones
What then becomes of them
their lying tongue, betraying heart
nomadic tribes of cliques
seeking to belong
They evolve in their own time
with help from those who've lived
and overcame in Love
X
.i
To taste gain is to trade
some thing for another;
replacement by virtue of change
Though rubble be bloody
from fragments of sky --
it's the desired beginning
The Universe responds
to levels of vibration;
frequency attracts frequency
Should you gaze upon only lack;
cracked windows, leaky roof
with no hope of redemption
Appalachia is filled with shacks
housing destitute souls;
starving and cold shells
How can one possibly vault
poverty when they've known
nothing else to compare it to
Yet, I tell you it has been done
and it all began with loss
Light arises within flesh
reminds us who we are
when presented alternatives
Not missionaries who require
recitation of the 'sinner's prayer'
so a starving man can eat
or the cold receive blankets
sick and dying medicine
to retain a speck of dignity
But, those who ask for nothing
save you take what they're offering
that your hunger be nourished
They don't preach the word
or shame your circumstance
as all you've ever lived;
They shine; reek of Light
kindness on their breath;
possess warmth of heart
Answer only if asked
why are you doing this
to which they reply
Because I Love
Those are the Ones
peeling a dark moment
to reveal its ripening fruit
And once you've tasted --
you'll never look back
nor remember this loss
Despite it being all you had
XI
.i
Mississippi mud shack
walls cracked with spring
or winter depending
on the season it was
Dirt through floor boards
never changed regardless
of what weather was born
I was a cotton picker hanging
from my cousin's back
alongside the negro
Deep south was the same
to poor white trash
as it was black slaves
And yet there was happiness;
an untasted closeness
among the geography
of wealth and greed
Untamed beauty resides
in poverty the affluent
consider loss of equality
The wise know gratitude
not for gluttunous coiffeurs
but dialy bread to break
Blessed and shared
intimately by friends and family
while the upper eschelon
lost amid their grand estates
Contemplate entire fortunes
eschewed for a Life of Love
.ii
What propogates success
Is it opportunity, determination
relentless pursuit of happiness
Only to discover it wasn't
what was believed to begin with
so all seems lost for naught
Reaching outward, searching
arms and hands stretched
far from the epicenter of self
Hoping to discover a Holy Grail
of contentment, excavating
caverns of years, mining hours
Always pyrite at fingertips
yet onward digging for gold
tunneling moments down
Ever external, there, somewhere
over the rainbow, across the bridge
beyond a great divide it lies
What's been sought since birth
But, it's never found around
the next bend or over that hill
One day during rest, it rises
quietly, flooding chambers
of heart in sudden realization
Nothing's 'out there' to be found
least of all peace and Love
it's only ever been within myself
XII
.i
In the beginning, creation
was born from resonance;
a vibration of tangible flesh
Loss is measured in perspective;
if it gains material possessions
but loses itself through process
what then has it really attained
and vice versa
It was once said he is no fool
to give up what he cannot possess
for that which he can:
Honor, dignity, and respect
carve out a circle of balance;
law of sower and seed
For whatsoever is sown
thus shall be reaped
in this lifetime, and the next
Because in the end, only kindness
counts as profitable from contrast
of experience toward evolution
All else is vanity and loss
or so the Preacher said
.ii
What then of vanity
pointless pride in self
accomplishment
For there is nothing new
under the sun, including
what you do this moment
Because you've been here
before, standing at this crossroad
ready to choose again
Listening to your instinct
saying, stay straight. . .
yet looking right or left, unsure
Or over the shoulder, from where
you came, unsettled by choices
in what you've created
Slowly turning bitter salt
unable to let go, move forward
accept the double-helixed blueprint
drafted by your own hand
Sealed in wax, libraried scroll
uncracked until returned home
determined to re-experience;
This time remembering--
or perhaps heeding
what needs be done:
A choice you haven't made
XIII
.i
Déjà vécu, we've already lived
lifetimes, vaguely remembering
faces, places, what was said
Experience haunts our Being
years attempting understanding
What Life was, or wasn't ours
to command, to retire adorned
in comforts of each other's smile
The security of Love so foreign
to most, their minds entertain
such an existence as false
For how could such rarity
exist if untasted first hand
Glimpses of light, whittled words
conversations in part trickle
memory bank, safety deposit box
secure in a historical vault of Us
But still, we've been here before
duel keys in hand, the code waiting
to be unlocked by our next choice
Despite all odds, now and then
I stand with you in distance
holding space between this:
Treasure hunt of choices
a box of chocolates
never knowing with certainty
where it will lead --
only that it shows Us
moment to moment
where we are to be
.ii
Deja senti, or so now I feel
presence within the memory well
reforming our destiny again
Water of Life from the central Source
glassine in natural element;
such a pure and flowing remembrance
No paranormal needing explained
simple organics personified
creating a free-will circumstance
Arthritic bones, olden and hinged
creak beneath aged sinew and flesh
of our third dimensional Beings
Atrophied shale of retired muscle
rocks gently a sagging train of thought
requiring no intuition for this;
When all is quiet, and all is done
Others won't remember what you said
nor what it was you did, even when;
only how you made them feel
And that's the entire Truth of it
.iii
Déjà visité, I know this place
as though I lived here myself
ruins of jagged stone stretching
miles into the atmosphere
Some towering legacy, labor
of a nobleman long buried
But I, I know this very place
where gardens graced the lake
A covered footpath in a glade
stepping stones reclaimed by dirt
gardener's shack with aging tools
and . . .there it is, the secret swing
Peeling paint, rotting wood
half hung by frayed rope, memories--
the mighty oak from which it swung
now a snag reclaimed by nature
This geography and spatial relation
are as bodies of ocean meeting;
two amalgamating entities cojoining
to bind physical and spiritual Being
This body is different, Spirit is not
its Source ineffably unchanged --
the steps I trod, once I skipped
to Love born under that tree
That lifetime gone, this one not
so different, and yet the same
This old swing, that old tree
the castle in which I played
I cannot remember face nor name
I cannot utter the sound or game;
But, ruins stretching high their aim
O! Yes; I certainly know this place
XIV
.i
I'm uncertain what's left
to dissect in currency of breath;
of world elitism, perhaps
no thing remains to be gained
We pillage through chambers
of heart seeking its riveting
source: the will to sustain Life
by continually emptying itself
Dissect black tar and nicotine
from advanced lung disease
Hemisphere the brain beyond
our own limited capacity for cure
Acupuncture nerves from pain
Meditate worries away;
stretch muscles firmly taut
while compassion wanes
A lifetime is spent filling
surroundings materially;
competing for a win fiercely
refusing to relinquish gracefully
That one more thing be owned
through years of avoiding death
Not for the honor or glory it brings
for there is none in possessivness
but . . .
from a paralyzing fear of loneliness
born from a deep agony of loss
.ii
Here we have it – the Known Unknown
a vacuum of tangible loss coupling
with living, regenerative energy
Transformation shapeshifts circumstance
from visible to a parallel universe
of uncalculated cause and effect
I currently choose this, now, Us
but, how will we eventually evolve
by turning right verses left
Or, selecting a Friday evening movie
instead of the usual Saturday matinee
we’ve grown accustomed to seeing
I read once that if we lived even 10,000
lifetimes we wouldn’t have moved
but a few granules from a mountain of choice
If you think hard about it, it’s truth
patterns of multi-dimensional being
splaying as deltas into more of the same
Infinite possibility born of a single decision
and one more, and another, and so forth
not in centuries, but mere seconds
We return again and again to experience
because next time we’ll turn left;
and after that, perhaps stay straight
Postlude
It was once written
that there was nothing new
under the sun, no fresh thing
that hadn't yet been done
The reality of such a sentence
spins eternally from reference
we won't encounter twice
Instead, we yearn to grow, learn
what our alternate reality already knows
as it cultivates our knowledge now;
a parallel split of atomic energy
from a singular Source of Being
expanding thick as undergrowth
That Known Being residing amid
our Living waters makes Us human;
the Unknown afterlife (w)hol(l)y Spiritual
We come to realize through eons
that Loss is just a term, a contrast
of desire, possessive expectation;
a false illusion tempting doubt
We evolve deeper into ourselves
by leaving it all behind in Death;
our roots reaching toward Truth
. . . an inch at a time during each birth;
those many manifested Lifeforms
we willingly choose to experience
And that, Dear Reader, is scarecely
The End
. . .
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