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Neurotic Trans Girl Love Sabotage
Stumble, bumble,
Crashing into the kitchen table,
Clashing into the trenches of my sectional.
The taste of my slowing rising hydrochloric acid/jack daniel mix burns my esophagus.
I think of big words when I'm anxious.
He stares
So much care.
I'm so scared.
He doesn't get my personal to-get-drunk dare.
He assimilates to me, I was a male-born woman.
Transgender like a title.
Leper.
He holds the soft part of my jaw,
The part that made people look at me weird.
That helped me pass.
But not get past the creeping maggots created by my own mind under my subcanteous skin that's now supple, a succulent smooth feeling, from the added layer of fat.
He stares
So much care
But....i'm perpetually scared
There's real fear here.
Under beauty-privilege,
Under vapid, vain, surgical, unrealistic moores of Transgender women's societal imprinted thoughts.
There's a piece of me, a comet that struck the earth, that's fractured, death of the dinosaurs, death of my security.
He calls me beautiful.
He stares like I'm beautiful.
He cares like I'm beautiful.
But I don't feel BEAUTIFUL.
I'm a wildcat in the Adirondacks, surviving man-made forest fires and poaching.
How can I love if I'm surviving men?
MEN who call me beautiful, just to warp me, wrap me in camera lens, baby oil and cock rings.
Baby, how...how...how...can I love you?
He hugs me.
Whispers he loves me.
He tugs me.
I fall, cascade, into sinewy arms, arms with veins and biceps, and triceps, and tattoos near his clavicle. Warm, warm, he's so warm, warm and strong like southern black gum trees in August heat.
"You can't get rid of me that easy my little saboteur. I'll love you even if you run from me."
My swift heart palpitations.
The blood in my head sounds like subway tracks after subway trains derail.
I can't feel my fingers in his hand, my sweaty numb fingers. But...
I love you, that's why I'm scared.
...I love you so much the world spins off it's axis, the ozone layer dissolves, and I'm thrown into space, where I float, and remember the syllables of your name, float, and think. And float and create futures, and float and think realistically. How you could break me, shake me, like a Pepsi that u let the inner contents spill all over a room at a party. Please, don't splash me everywhere baby. Please! Until i plummet, like a killer comet back into your arms. I love you like I'm clinging to the edges of door-jambs in a mental asylum. Every time I'm with you I float, and I'm petrified.
His answer was summed. Summed in an action.
A full kiss, a passionate action that spoke to me. His skin tingling against mines
"I'm your's anxious woman, forever and ever."
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Crashing into the kitchen table,
Clashing into the trenches of my sectional.
The taste of my slowing rising hydrochloric acid/jack daniel mix burns my esophagus.
I think of big words when I'm anxious.
He stares
So much care.
I'm so scared.
He doesn't get my personal to-get-drunk dare.
He assimilates to me, I was a male-born woman.
Transgender like a title.
Leper.
He holds the soft part of my jaw,
The part that made people look at me weird.
That helped me pass.
But not get past the creeping maggots created by my own mind under my subcanteous skin that's now supple, a succulent smooth feeling, from the added layer of fat.
He stares
So much care
But....i'm perpetually scared
There's real fear here.
Under beauty-privilege,
Under vapid, vain, surgical, unrealistic moores of Transgender women's societal imprinted thoughts.
There's a piece of me, a comet that struck the earth, that's fractured, death of the dinosaurs, death of my security.
He calls me beautiful.
He stares like I'm beautiful.
He cares like I'm beautiful.
But I don't feel BEAUTIFUL.
I'm a wildcat in the Adirondacks, surviving man-made forest fires and poaching.
How can I love if I'm surviving men?
MEN who call me beautiful, just to warp me, wrap me in camera lens, baby oil and cock rings.
Baby, how...how...how...can I love you?
He hugs me.
Whispers he loves me.
He tugs me.
I fall, cascade, into sinewy arms, arms with veins and biceps, and triceps, and tattoos near his clavicle. Warm, warm, he's so warm, warm and strong like southern black gum trees in August heat.
"You can't get rid of me that easy my little saboteur. I'll love you even if you run from me."
My swift heart palpitations.
The blood in my head sounds like subway tracks after subway trains derail.
I can't feel my fingers in his hand, my sweaty numb fingers. But...
I love you, that's why I'm scared.
...I love you so much the world spins off it's axis, the ozone layer dissolves, and I'm thrown into space, where I float, and remember the syllables of your name, float, and think. And float and create futures, and float and think realistically. How you could break me, shake me, like a Pepsi that u let the inner contents spill all over a room at a party. Please, don't splash me everywhere baby. Please! Until i plummet, like a killer comet back into your arms. I love you like I'm clinging to the edges of door-jambs in a mental asylum. Every time I'm with you I float, and I'm petrified.
His answer was summed. Summed in an action.
A full kiss, a passionate action that spoke to me. His skin tingling against mines
"I'm your's anxious woman, forever and ever."
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Published 1st Apr 2018
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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Anonymous
- Edited 28th Dec 2018 6:48pm
2nd Apr 2018 3:13pm
<< post removed >>
3rd Apr 2018 11:17am
3rd Apr 2018 10:56am
3rd Apr 2018 11:18am
