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My Timid Lover (My Gay Catch)
My Timid Lover
Neon lights
Shady Bar
A shrug
“What the hell” I decide
I open the door and go inside
Lonely
Standing by the billiards
I spot you
Dark chestnut curls under a baseball cap
Standing in the corner
Half your body shadowed
Wallflower
Your eyes move with the pool sticks
Two gleaming pewter rings
Riveting
Promising
Like silver handcuffs
And my mind is swirling
You furtively glance around
Eyes skip across the tables
Back down to your hands
Swirling the melting ice in your glass
I wait
Until your eyes catch mine
That's it
Look away
It's okay
It only took that moment
To see
Your desire
Intense
A burning wish
I'll grant for you
Just wait there for me
I reach the bar
Wondering
What drink will do for you
Something quick
Tequila should work
A shot--no, two
So we won't have to wait long
For you
To come around
And admit it too
When I return
You've gone away
My eyes scan the dim-lit room
Where are you
My timid desire
There
You're at the door
About to leave
I pin you with my stare
Frozen
My eyes hold you there
A moment
Maybe two
But then you make to move
I drop the shots
Shards
Glass everywhere as I pursue
A dim “Hey You” shouts from the bar
But my eyes are only on you
One last glance back and then
you run
I follow
Outside
The wind spurs up
Your hat flies off
Dark curls spring free
You stop
Contemplate
Do you run back for your hat
Too late
I've got you
Yet you hardly pull away
Your eyes meet mine
Startled
Afraid
Interested
There's a sudden sizzle in the cool night air
A moment you can't take back
Can't run from
I pull you between the buildings
The darkness hides your face
But your eyes
Those eyes
Gleam through the shadows
And I'm losing
I know
Restraint is fading
I need you
want you
Want me too
And there you waver
timid
reaching
Out for me
That's all I need
I push you against the wall
My lips crush yours
You taste of coconut and rum
A cocktail on my tongue
And this little revelation
spurs my motivation
Gives me the invitation
That I need from you
In a hurried harried fugue
I have you naked
Trembling
In front of me
The cold or fear
I hardly know
hardly care
I become imbued
By your cologne
Musky sweat
and I feel your need
feel the hot desire
permeate
through the air
I never stopped to ask
But the time has passed
for cordiality
Bare it
Brace for it
Give me you
Gooseflesh courses across your bronzed back
Thrusting my hand in your head of curls
I grab hold
Silky locks between my fingers
Hold tight
My cock presses hard against your ass
Take a deep breath
My timid lover
Here it comes
I plunge
Inside you hard
You bite back a cry
I don't even glance
to see if someone heard
Don't care
Hard
You're tight
So new
I knew
But God
I hold your waist
and thrust
I'm trying to hold back
Make it last
I grab your cock
Hard as a rock in my hands
I pump
But then your moan does me in
Undone
I plunge
One last time into your ass
I'm about to pull out
You grab my wrists
“In me”
Is all you say
Oh Damn
That's it
I give it all to you
No restraint
Falling to the ground
We stay
Locked in our spooning embrace
Outside the bar
Under the sky
Just you and I
My timid lover.
Neon lights
Shady Bar
A shrug
“What the hell” I decide
I open the door and go inside
Lonely
Standing by the billiards
I spot you
Dark chestnut curls under a baseball cap
Standing in the corner
Half your body shadowed
Wallflower
Your eyes move with the pool sticks
Two gleaming pewter rings
Riveting
Promising
Like silver handcuffs
And my mind is swirling
You furtively glance around
Eyes skip across the tables
Back down to your hands
Swirling the melting ice in your glass
I wait
Until your eyes catch mine
That's it
Look away
It's okay
It only took that moment
To see
Your desire
Intense
A burning wish
I'll grant for you
Just wait there for me
I reach the bar
Wondering
What drink will do for you
Something quick
Tequila should work
A shot--no, two
So we won't have to wait long
For you
To come around
And admit it too
When I return
You've gone away
My eyes scan the dim-lit room
Where are you
My timid desire
There
You're at the door
About to leave
I pin you with my stare
Frozen
My eyes hold you there
A moment
Maybe two
But then you make to move
I drop the shots
Shards
Glass everywhere as I pursue
A dim “Hey You” shouts from the bar
But my eyes are only on you
One last glance back and then
you run
I follow
Outside
The wind spurs up
Your hat flies off
Dark curls spring free
You stop
Contemplate
Do you run back for your hat
Too late
I've got you
Yet you hardly pull away
Your eyes meet mine
Startled
Afraid
Interested
There's a sudden sizzle in the cool night air
A moment you can't take back
Can't run from
I pull you between the buildings
The darkness hides your face
But your eyes
Those eyes
Gleam through the shadows
And I'm losing
I know
Restraint is fading
I need you
want you
Want me too
And there you waver
timid
reaching
Out for me
That's all I need
I push you against the wall
My lips crush yours
You taste of coconut and rum
A cocktail on my tongue
And this little revelation
spurs my motivation
Gives me the invitation
That I need from you
In a hurried harried fugue
I have you naked
Trembling
In front of me
The cold or fear
I hardly know
hardly care
I become imbued
By your cologne
Musky sweat
and I feel your need
feel the hot desire
permeate
through the air
I never stopped to ask
But the time has passed
for cordiality
Bare it
Brace for it
Give me you
Gooseflesh courses across your bronzed back
Thrusting my hand in your head of curls
I grab hold
Silky locks between my fingers
Hold tight
My cock presses hard against your ass
Take a deep breath
My timid lover
Here it comes
I plunge
Inside you hard
You bite back a cry
I don't even glance
to see if someone heard
Don't care
Hard
You're tight
So new
I knew
But God
I hold your waist
and thrust
I'm trying to hold back
Make it last
I grab your cock
Hard as a rock in my hands
I pump
But then your moan does me in
Undone
I plunge
One last time into your ass
I'm about to pull out
You grab my wrists
“In me”
Is all you say
Oh Damn
That's it
I give it all to you
No restraint
Falling to the ground
We stay
Locked in our spooning embrace
Outside the bar
Under the sky
Just you and I
My timid lover.
Published 17th Mar 2018
| Edited 15th Sep 2021
Author's Note
This is just a 'rough' draft ....please feel free to be brutal with it, I'm sure it needs some work.
The lack of punctuation is intentional, I want your mind to create the pauses as you see fit, right up until the end. In a way, it's like the entire story is encapsulated in one, single, powerful sentence, or so I hope it seems that way. It's a stylistic choice I have played around with before and rather like, but if it doesn't work for you, let me know.
Update: I am actually (slowly) editing this piece. Small updates made on 9/14/21. More to come in the future, I'm sure, as I find the time.
The lack of punctuation is intentional, I want your mind to create the pauses as you see fit, right up until the end. In a way, it's like the entire story is encapsulated in one, single, powerful sentence, or so I hope it seems that way. It's a stylistic choice I have played around with before and rather like, but if it doesn't work for you, let me know.
Update: I am actually (slowly) editing this piece. Small updates made on 9/14/21. More to come in the future, I'm sure, as I find the time.
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
I like it. My favorite line is probably "Gooseflesh courses across your bronzed back" because it's such a concrete detail. I also love how the new lover asks the speaker to cum inside him. Very hot. I figured I'd comment since you did edit it recently which I guess means you would still like feedback.
As far as things I thought could be better, there are a couple of cliches that could be revised out. "Your eyes two pools of blue," and everybody else's. I'd rather hear about another unique detail. Black curls is sexy, but not unique (although not nearly as cliched as "pools of blue"). "Hard as a rock" is also a cliche. So is "Nothing will stop us now."
"Startled/Afraid/Interested." Here your speaker guesses as to what his intended lover is thinking. He can't know, obviously, as he can't read minds. To me, it would be more engaging to hear why the speaker thinks these things. Do the other guy's eyes widen? Does he gasp? Does he pull away?
"You taste like sweet cocktails". Which one? What does it taste like, for those of us who don't know? (Actually, another thought I had was that you could specifically mention the flavors here, then put the actual cocktail in the man's hand when he's in the bar.)
I once found a fantastic tip in a book on writing poetry that I am just starting to try out. The author suggested that you go through and underline every phrase that is absolutely perfect; that is, you said what you meant to say, and it sounds beautiful. Put a squiggly line under every phrase that says what you mean, but isn't exactly graceful. Don't mark anything else. Then you do a second draft. Anything that's underlined stays, squiggly lines get reworked, and, most importantly, everything that is unmarked goes. You can draft some new stuff in its place, or just throw it out entirely. Maybe I'll try this on one of my erotic poems and post the second draft here.
I hope you decide to rewrite! I'd love to see draft 2!
EDIT: Forgot to mention - you have the subtitle of "My Gay Catch." The lover is also wearing a baseball cap, so it gives me the suggestion of the baseball theme. BUT, your speaker is pitching! I think the subtitle would work better if your speaker were the bottom. ;)
As far as things I thought could be better, there are a couple of cliches that could be revised out. "Your eyes two pools of blue," and everybody else's. I'd rather hear about another unique detail. Black curls is sexy, but not unique (although not nearly as cliched as "pools of blue"). "Hard as a rock" is also a cliche. So is "Nothing will stop us now."
"Startled/Afraid/Interested." Here your speaker guesses as to what his intended lover is thinking. He can't know, obviously, as he can't read minds. To me, it would be more engaging to hear why the speaker thinks these things. Do the other guy's eyes widen? Does he gasp? Does he pull away?
"You taste like sweet cocktails". Which one? What does it taste like, for those of us who don't know? (Actually, another thought I had was that you could specifically mention the flavors here, then put the actual cocktail in the man's hand when he's in the bar.)
I once found a fantastic tip in a book on writing poetry that I am just starting to try out. The author suggested that you go through and underline every phrase that is absolutely perfect; that is, you said what you meant to say, and it sounds beautiful. Put a squiggly line under every phrase that says what you mean, but isn't exactly graceful. Don't mark anything else. Then you do a second draft. Anything that's underlined stays, squiggly lines get reworked, and, most importantly, everything that is unmarked goes. You can draft some new stuff in its place, or just throw it out entirely. Maybe I'll try this on one of my erotic poems and post the second draft here.
I hope you decide to rewrite! I'd love to see draft 2!
EDIT: Forgot to mention - you have the subtitle of "My Gay Catch." The lover is also wearing a baseball cap, so it gives me the suggestion of the baseball theme. BUT, your speaker is pitching! I think the subtitle would work better if your speaker were the bottom. ;)
24th Oct 2020 3:19am
Gary, I am immensely grateful for the time you put into critting this piece. I absolutely love your pointers and agree with nearly all--or, perhaps, all!--of them. You've highlighted the cliches which are a common strain on poetry...poetry built on cliches is often listless, lacks personality, and turns readers away, which obviously isn't what a poet aims for. I am also intrigued by the editing methodology you described and will likely give it a go. You've given me great inspiration to come back to this poem and attempt a rewrite (when I get a chance, that is--my time is regrettably limited these days). Thank you. Truly. This is one of the best crits I have ever received.
26th Mar 2021 12:10pm
Wow! I started handling my UP quickly...thanks, hugs, kisses, and peace...Oral
8th Jun 2021 7:08pm
14th Sep 2021 8:02pm
24th Jul 2023 9:52pm
WOW!!! Most amazing erotic drama poem I've read in a long time. It created a quick UP. Thanks for the journey. Hugs and peace, Oral
