deepundergroundpoetry.com
THE MAN IN THE WOMAN.....(ABOUT WORDS)
The MAN in the 'woman', the HE in the 'she',
The MR in 'Mrs', the LAD in 'lady',
The ADAM in 'Madam', MALE in 'female' -
On face of it look a suggestive detail,
Conjuring mental picture that is sexy
And, if on film, would rate higher than PG!
Do these all underline some creation plan
That woman was NOT made to fit INTO man?
Published 12th Mar 2018
| Edited 18th Mar 2018
Author's Note
Inspired by Facebook meme beginning:
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
13th Mar 2018 6:10pm
18th Mar 2018 2:41am
This is a wonderful piece of poetry. You asked for honest critique, so my strong suggestion is to delete the following lines:
Conjuring mental picture that is sexy
And, if on film, would rate higher than PG!
The words sound twisted into formation there and, IMHO, your poem would be *much* stronger without them. (You would also want to delete the "Or" on the following line.)
I hope that helps. Great read. Keep writing.
Conjuring mental picture that is sexy
And, if on film, would rate higher than PG!
The words sound twisted into formation there and, IMHO, your poem would be *much* stronger without them. (You would also want to delete the "Or" on the following line.)
I hope that helps. Great read. Keep writing.
Thank you. However the lines you suggested I delete show why I think the phrase 'man in woman etc' is suggestive (leads to visualising the act of intercourse, the physical joining of the sexes).
I will rephrase the line beginning 'Or', strictly speaking it's starting a sentence with a conjunction.
I wrote this poem over a few days and intentionally giving each line the same number of syllables.
I will rephrase the line beginning 'Or', strictly speaking it's starting a sentence with a conjunction.
I wrote this poem over a few days and intentionally giving each line the same number of syllables.
18th Mar 2018 12:08pm
Sounds good. The poetry has to speak to your soul, and if it does and you love it just the way it is. My words were only a third-party perspective. :) If it helps to know, though, the "man in woman" already painted a sexual picture in my head, but perhaps it was because my mind was already in the gutter anyway. ;)
3rd Apr 2018 2:47am
