deepundergroundpoetry.com
Go Ask Emile Zola
I am here to live out loud.
-Emile Zola-
You know the reasons why…
or don’t you?
I wrote them across his face,
in a dream
My ink accenting his cheeks;
The prettiest thing I’ve ever seen
Heart Stopper!
Is now a man
older than I am; his soul, too
His bed smells as I do
lavender rosewater boogaloo
Now
Then
Fugue state turned Zen
There’s a boomerang
that flies between us
How fetching
Didn’t he tell you I was
sweet as pie?
pure at heart?
It’s all true
I’m a lion skin swan princess
with cinnamon breath
and I
scatter my angel’s feathers
while you sleep
Consult your dream dictionaries,
and breathe me in
deep
-Emile Zola-
You know the reasons why…
or don’t you?
I wrote them across his face,
in a dream
My ink accenting his cheeks;
The prettiest thing I’ve ever seen
Heart Stopper!
Is now a man
older than I am; his soul, too
His bed smells as I do
lavender rosewater boogaloo
Now
Then
Fugue state turned Zen
There’s a boomerang
that flies between us
How fetching
Didn’t he tell you I was
sweet as pie?
pure at heart?
It’s all true
I’m a lion skin swan princess
with cinnamon breath
and I
scatter my angel’s feathers
while you sleep
Consult your dream dictionaries,
and breathe me in
deep
Published 12th Mar 2018
| Edited 13th Mar 2018
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 2
reading list entries 1
comments 4
reads 672
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
I read and liked this yesterday but wanted it to digest.
I really enjoyed the subject matter, how all thoughts were interconnected and flowed beautifully. The only thing I felt interrupted that were the endstops. They were so abrupt it was jarring vs a smooth transition. Because there is an existing natural pause ending each line, I feel so much punctuation is overkill.
Because you have requested honest critique, I want to quote a section without all the endstops to demonstrate the difference in flow without them.
My ink accenting his cheeks;
the prettiest thing I’ve ever seen
Heart Stopper!
is now a man
older than I am; his soul, too
His bed smells as I do
lavender rosewater boogaloo
Now
Then
Fugue state turned Zen
Here you're allowing the capitalization to begin the new sentence/thought vs endstops abruptly completing previous ones. What this does is allow the thought to linger without ceasation until the next begins. It's less textbook and more fairytale.
I really enjoyed the subject matter, how all thoughts were interconnected and flowed beautifully. The only thing I felt interrupted that were the endstops. They were so abrupt it was jarring vs a smooth transition. Because there is an existing natural pause ending each line, I feel so much punctuation is overkill.
Because you have requested honest critique, I want to quote a section without all the endstops to demonstrate the difference in flow without them.
My ink accenting his cheeks;
the prettiest thing I’ve ever seen
Heart Stopper!
is now a man
older than I am; his soul, too
His bed smells as I do
lavender rosewater boogaloo
Now
Then
Fugue state turned Zen
Here you're allowing the capitalization to begin the new sentence/thought vs endstops abruptly completing previous ones. What this does is allow the thought to linger without ceasation until the next begins. It's less textbook and more fairytale.
13th Mar 2018 1:34pm
Dearest Ahavati,
I sincerely appreciate your insights, and welcome constructive criticism. It's been a long time since I've written poetry, and I've missed the feeling. I write fiction, plays, etc. but poetry was once my first love. I am so grateful for your support and feedback, truly.
I will attempt to self-edit, but please do always let me know what you think! Yours is a generous soul that provides wisdom for the hesitant. I've seen you share your opinions/talents with fellow writers on this site. Your words become blessings. It is remarkable karma that you are making. No-nonsense grace, and I adore it!
I sincerely appreciate your insights, and welcome constructive criticism. It's been a long time since I've written poetry, and I've missed the feeling. I write fiction, plays, etc. but poetry was once my first love. I am so grateful for your support and feedback, truly.
I will attempt to self-edit, but please do always let me know what you think! Yours is a generous soul that provides wisdom for the hesitant. I've seen you share your opinions/talents with fellow writers on this site. Your words become blessings. It is remarkable karma that you are making. No-nonsense grace, and I adore it!
25th Jan 2019 8:32pm
I love how you add smells to your poem here, I love how you speak of yourself, and who you are. its truly dynamite and inspiring to me as a poet, it makes me want to do the same. and free myself in my poems, and express myself however I see myself as/ who i am!
25th Jan 2019 10:46pm
Thank you for the wonderful words. I am at my most free when I'm writing...it means a lot that you find my work inspirational, as I feel the same way regarding yours. :)
