deepundergroundpoetry.com
Love or Leave
My heart cries out in agony
Feeling a sense of insecurity
Confussion combined with
uncertainity
Which will it be?
Will she love me, or leave me
Everyday a new mystery
Never to be solved.
Tension so thick
can't breath through it at all
This situation is filled with
Climatic continuations
With a false sense of
resolution
as the lights dim
and the day ends
The question remains
Unchanged
What will it be
will she love me
or leave me
tormented by YOUR past
Is there room for OUR future
Too busy looking
backwards,
so used to
what you are
use too.
Feeling a sense of insecurity
Confussion combined with
uncertainity
Which will it be?
Will she love me, or leave me
Everyday a new mystery
Never to be solved.
Tension so thick
can't breath through it at all
This situation is filled with
Climatic continuations
With a false sense of
resolution
as the lights dim
and the day ends
The question remains
Unchanged
What will it be
will she love me
or leave me
tormented by YOUR past
Is there room for OUR future
Too busy looking
backwards,
so used to
what you are
use too.
Published 5th Oct 2011
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
7th Oct 2011 5:05am
I like the concept; I've been there before. One way I can see, being honest, to improve, is to dig a little deeper-- I want to not only know what you're feeling, I want to feel it. I don't think this quite has that yet. I feel like a few more details would suck your reader right in. Right now it feels a bit more general.
17th Oct 2011 00:45am
I agree with beautiful accident. This is one of those places where we've all been and can easily relate to. It's one of those places where amazing poetry comes from.
The problem with this poem in particular is that it is too much inside the narrator's head. It's personal only to the narrator, and because of that it doesn't allow us to place ourselves in the same position.
The way to enhance a poem that is too personal is, ironically, to make it even MORE personal.
(Stay with me here, because this is something really weird but fundamental about poetry and it's the one thing that, to me, separates good poetry from bad poetry.)
Right now, this kind of reads like a journal entry. It's basically saying "this is what I feel," which is perfectly fine and getting those feelings down brings catharsis which is pretty much the drug that all poets write for. We need that emptiness. But it doesn't necessarily move your reader. What would move your reader, though, is a scene. Paint us a picture. When you say something like "This situation is filled with/Climatic continuations" we have no idea what the situation actually is. Show us that. Get really personal with it and place it under a microscope and tell us about the time that you touched her arm and the feel of her skin and how she got goosebumps but then pulled away from you. Don't let your narrator say that he's "Feeling a sense of insecurity." Show us the reasons for that insecurity so that we can feel it too.
Keep in mind that your readers are nearsighted. We have to be right up on something in order to relate to it.
On the flip side of that, though, the thing that separates poetry from things like short stories is that the reader does not necessarily need every single last detail in a poem. We just need a few highly focused images--and that where things like metaphor and simile come into play.
The problem with this poem in particular is that it is too much inside the narrator's head. It's personal only to the narrator, and because of that it doesn't allow us to place ourselves in the same position.
The way to enhance a poem that is too personal is, ironically, to make it even MORE personal.
(Stay with me here, because this is something really weird but fundamental about poetry and it's the one thing that, to me, separates good poetry from bad poetry.)
Right now, this kind of reads like a journal entry. It's basically saying "this is what I feel," which is perfectly fine and getting those feelings down brings catharsis which is pretty much the drug that all poets write for. We need that emptiness. But it doesn't necessarily move your reader. What would move your reader, though, is a scene. Paint us a picture. When you say something like "This situation is filled with/Climatic continuations" we have no idea what the situation actually is. Show us that. Get really personal with it and place it under a microscope and tell us about the time that you touched her arm and the feel of her skin and how she got goosebumps but then pulled away from you. Don't let your narrator say that he's "Feeling a sense of insecurity." Show us the reasons for that insecurity so that we can feel it too.
Keep in mind that your readers are nearsighted. We have to be right up on something in order to relate to it.
On the flip side of that, though, the thing that separates poetry from things like short stories is that the reader does not necessarily need every single last detail in a poem. We just need a few highly focused images--and that where things like metaphor and simile come into play.
