deepundergroundpoetry.com
Secret Stagnation
Look at this sad state of affairs
An empty wig sitting down in the kings chair
No one person has all the answers
The universe or heaven? Let's say upstairs
Whatever's up there laughing at us down here
How long since the human race first appeared
Two hundred and fifty thousand odd years!
After all this time we still are trapped here?
Trancendence is waiting for us out there!
we'll never know the depths of our soul
If we don't change we'll stay on this Earth alone
Maybe that's the reason we still can't advance
Thousands of years fighting amongst ourselves
John Lennon killed singing give peace a chance
The floating wig laughs peace doesn't pay bills
Why can't we see that we're getting nowhere
Are we the dog chaising or are we the tail?technological gain doesn't mean we'll prevail
Secret stagnation leaves a terrible smell
An empty wig sitting down in the kings chair
No one person has all the answers
The universe or heaven? Let's say upstairs
Whatever's up there laughing at us down here
How long since the human race first appeared
Two hundred and fifty thousand odd years!
After all this time we still are trapped here?
Trancendence is waiting for us out there!
we'll never know the depths of our soul
If we don't change we'll stay on this Earth alone
Maybe that's the reason we still can't advance
Thousands of years fighting amongst ourselves
John Lennon killed singing give peace a chance
The floating wig laughs peace doesn't pay bills
Why can't we see that we're getting nowhere
Are we the dog chaising or are we the tail?technological gain doesn't mean we'll prevail
Secret stagnation leaves a terrible smell
Published 4th Mar 2018
| Edited 13th Mar 2018
Author's Note
I got to the secret stagnation line and for some reason it felt finished. There was more I wanted to put in there about the water we are all made of and how lies on a grand scale stifle true mental and spiritual progression. If the water that is being hidden is rotting we will still feel it and it will have a horrible impact on us as a race... That's why I wanna always write my stuff really long, cuz there ends up being so many messages I want to put into em. Thanks a lot and write on
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
4th Mar 2018 12:48pm
I really like this! My favorite lines are "The universe or heaven? Let's say upstairs / Whatever's up there laughing at us down here". That really stood out to me. I also liked "Are we the dog chaising or are we the tail? technological gain doesn't mean we'll prevail".
If you're looking for honest critique, I'd say that I can't really figure out the rhyme scheme, or if you're going for a certain rhyme scheme at all-- there were some places where it seemed like you were, but others where it didn't.
You ask if it feels complete-- to me, it doesn't. This may be my personal preference, but usually poems feel complete to me when they go back to the beginning and repeat a line or come back to a theme or idea. In this poem, "secret stagnation" (great phrase, by the way) feels like a new idea, and therefore to me feels odd at the end.
That's basically it for my critique! There are a few spelling issues to clean up, but that's pretty easy and I don't feel the need to make a big fuss about it. Again, I really liked this poem and I think you did a great job conveying a specific mood and idea.
Hope this is helpful!
- December
If you're looking for honest critique, I'd say that I can't really figure out the rhyme scheme, or if you're going for a certain rhyme scheme at all-- there were some places where it seemed like you were, but others where it didn't.
You ask if it feels complete-- to me, it doesn't. This may be my personal preference, but usually poems feel complete to me when they go back to the beginning and repeat a line or come back to a theme or idea. In this poem, "secret stagnation" (great phrase, by the way) feels like a new idea, and therefore to me feels odd at the end.
That's basically it for my critique! There are a few spelling issues to clean up, but that's pretty easy and I don't feel the need to make a big fuss about it. Again, I really liked this poem and I think you did a great job conveying a specific mood and idea.
Hope this is helpful!
- December
I think your thoughts are spot on... Thx bunches. That's another thing about how I write. It's all about the feeling, I just write what comes to me... Never really focus on rhyming scheme or anything. I should try
4th Mar 2018 1:01pm
The problem is that we stick to traditions, and we don't seriously try to improve ourselves. Then all is reflected on us.
5th Mar 2018 5:57am
That was the message you got? Interesting and insightful.. that makes it seem incomplete yet finished... Like I thought... Maybe it is fin. Open for interpretation. Thx for the feedback guys
8th Mar 2018 8:57pm
Love the rage which you expressed so vehemently. It took me a while to rise above the fray but I'm still very aware of our common plight. Nice summary and well expressed about where we are and what it means at both the common and personal level.
10th Mar 2018 4:30am
Thx a lot. I do feel this is a terrible blight on our existence as a race... We gotta rise above
11th Mar 2018 00:26am
once we realise we are still animals maybe we will try to rise above our base desires and actions - i won't hold my breath :-((((((
another inspiring write :-)))))))
another inspiring write :-)))))))
11th Mar 2018 9:00pm
I agree, there has to be another... Evolutionary step? Trancendence? We gotta change our collective spirit as a race or the stagnation won't go away
12th Mar 2018 3:47am
It seems human nature to be violent and keep on making mistakes as we expect new results.
I love this poem and the real ideas that do impact our everyday lives. Well done!
I love this poem and the real ideas that do impact our everyday lives. Well done!
13th Mar 2018 3:38pm
Thx lots. Gotta keep the spirit alive. It's like the Gods that only have power when ppl believe in them. Stop believing and they die. If only we could change
