Grind

I can feel it in the back of my brain
Dragging its dry corpse down
through the tainted track it's worn
the rutted road so well travelled

I pull a pillow over my head
willing sweet sleep to take me swiftly
the halting stutter in my heart
tells me it's too late

My old ache grips me, the old lies
sense of self surrendering slowly
winding inward my mind whispers
wonders why I even bother

I've been here so many times
thought my way through the same tangle
there is never a solution at the end of the trail
just the same sense of shame

My heart used to race, my blood boil
by now I just feel the grim grind
whatever bulwarks I've built are broken
my mindful mantras, meaningless

I sigh, the slightest exhalation slips
tangle rewound, my self at the start again
twisted trail taunting me
not sure if I can take another turn

I try to mount a meaningful defence
against angst, against apathy
increasingly, it doesn't seem worth it
why not lie and let lingering life pass

I try to cry, but even tears escape expression
there is no one left to tell
surrender to sleeplessness, to the long night
there are no answers here