deepundergroundpoetry.com
Unreal
NOTE: I want to say it is my first and english is not my mother language(I hope I haven't made significant mistakes)...I hope it won't sound childish or amateur if it - please be kind and tell me :))
I didn’t wanted you to come
I didn’t ever needed your tender touch making my body shaking
growing feeling of my soul is aching
Didn’t wanting more to know about how far I could go
Feeling the intense sensual awakening gives unbearable erotica sensation
Wanting more of your masculine vibration
Thrilling filling with insatiable prolonged genital provocation
knowing how the soul is celebrating touching one another
moist and sweaty heavenly aroused together trapped by the primal drive
moving in the final tact getting to the point where time has stopped
overflowing with delight is the moment of the deepest soul contact
spreading body liquids bringing secret tension to release making the desired fact…
I didn’t wanted you to come
I didn’t ever needed your tender touch making my body shaking
growing feeling of my soul is aching
Didn’t wanting more to know about how far I could go
Feeling the intense sensual awakening gives unbearable erotica sensation
Wanting more of your masculine vibration
Thrilling filling with insatiable prolonged genital provocation
knowing how the soul is celebrating touching one another
moist and sweaty heavenly aroused together trapped by the primal drive
moving in the final tact getting to the point where time has stopped
overflowing with delight is the moment of the deepest soul contact
spreading body liquids bringing secret tension to release making the desired fact…
Published 30th Sep 2011
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Anonymous
30th Sep 2011 00:46am
Hi Coconut and welcome to DU. I liked your poem. It is raw and direct, it flows easily and its rhythms build toward a natural and convincing climax. You use rhyme sparingly, subtly and effectively. Considering English is not your first language I'd say you did a great job here. It feels like writing comes easily to you.
There ARE some very obvious 'tells' about the language barrier however so I've offered you copy an paste edit for your consideration. I think nearly all the changes are purely technical except the removal of the word 'genital' which I felt was artistically misplaced, sounding a little too clinical in this context. Also I changed 'bodily liquids' to 'juices' for the same reason. I also changed one or two line breaks to add emphasis. See what you think. Good write. redTbird
I didn’t want you to come
I didn’t ever need your tender touch making my body
shake
the growing feeling of how my soul
aches
Didn’t want to know more about how far I could go
Feeling the intense sensual awakening gives unbearable erotic sensation
Wanting more of your masculine vibration
Thrilling
filling with insatiable
prolonged provocation
knowing how the soul is celebrating touching one another
moist and sweaty heavenly aroused together trapped by primal drive
moving in the final act
getting to the point where time has stopped
overflowing with delight is the moment of the deepest soul contact
spreading juices bringing secret tension to release making the desired
fact…
There ARE some very obvious 'tells' about the language barrier however so I've offered you copy an paste edit for your consideration. I think nearly all the changes are purely technical except the removal of the word 'genital' which I felt was artistically misplaced, sounding a little too clinical in this context. Also I changed 'bodily liquids' to 'juices' for the same reason. I also changed one or two line breaks to add emphasis. See what you think. Good write. redTbird
I didn’t want you to come
I didn’t ever need your tender touch making my body
shake
the growing feeling of how my soul
aches
Didn’t want to know more about how far I could go
Feeling the intense sensual awakening gives unbearable erotic sensation
Wanting more of your masculine vibration
Thrilling
filling with insatiable
prolonged provocation
knowing how the soul is celebrating touching one another
moist and sweaty heavenly aroused together trapped by primal drive
moving in the final act
getting to the point where time has stopped
overflowing with delight is the moment of the deepest soul contact
spreading juices bringing secret tension to release making the desired
fact…
30th Sep 2011 1:12am
Thank you redTbird for the corrections(help)it sounds finished now :)
I was wondering about all these "ing"-s ...it didn't sound good to me but I wasn't sure about it...I wasn't sure about many things
A BIG THANK YOU .....again :))
I love erotic poetry.....I feel it deep inside of me...
I was wondering about all these "ing"-s ...it didn't sound good to me but I wasn't sure about it...I wasn't sure about many things
A BIG THANK YOU .....again :))
I love erotic poetry.....I feel it deep inside of me...
Anonymous
30th Sep 2011 5:20am
This is very capturing! I love poetry that you can "feel".
Well done! :)
Well done! :)
30th Sep 2011 6:34pm
1st Oct 2011 8:04am
Thank you Raunchywrite and BlackStar22
I'm happy you like my poem ..it's important cuase I see it's good not only for me....:)))
I'm happy you like my poem ..it's important cuase I see it's good not only for me....:)))
