If Not Now, When?

If Not Now, When?

I feel a void forming inside of me,
soon to become the hunting grounds of a banshee.
I sweat all night to purge myself of the dark,
Yet every night I miss the mark.

I cry inside to help myself fall asleep at night,
yet here I am at two thirty tossing and turning under a massive weight.
I must truly be on sad, pathetic sight
acting strong when in fact I contain to such might.

I sense a distance growing between us.
A problem I can’t bring myself to discuss,
since I’m weak and worthless and dying alone.
I’m broken and cold in every single bone.

The distance is bothersome; it’s driving me mad.
I don’t understand, we haven’t experienced a single bad.
Yet I’m being driven away like a dying fad.
Soon I will once again be alone and sad.

I’m sure it’s my fault we have begun to decay
since the only color I share with you is gray.
Same mechanical shit every fucking day!
No wonder you want to caste me away and allow me to fray.
I’m so boring and predictable, I’m handing you the keys
to the car you need to drive off into the sunset, as I wave from the trees.
I will miss you an incredible amount when you’re gone.
I fear when that happens, I won’t see another dawn.

Fear is my worst enemy; it constantly eats me alive,
pushing me to the brink, challenging me to survive.
How I miss the days when I thrived
and still contained a powerful fucking drive!
Now I’m a zombie watching as you walk out the door.
Can’t blame you since dating me has become a chore.
I can’t ever tell you how I’m feeling
since I’m afraid to be found unappealing.
The truth is, I’m completely fucking reeling
from the problem’s I contain in which I can’t seem to find healing.

No wonder I dream of Tsunami’s and drowning in water.
I have so many issues with myself, I’m best led to slaughter.
I can no longer do damage buried in the ground.
I hope I’m never fucking found!
Leave me to sub come to my sorrows for the rest of my days,
since life on Earth is just a phase.
I will die and be happy away from this Hell!
Whatever is on the other side has to be a better place to dwell.

I truly don’t understand how I could ever be loved,
since it seems lie everyone backs away from me with an enormous shove.
I don’t know how much longer I can continue on.
Not like anyone will care that I’m gone.
I bet no one person will “like” this shit
or leave a “comment” urging me not to submit
to the disease crippling my soul.
Ten years of this Hell has taken its toll.
I need to make changes beginning now
before I throw in the towel and take my final bow.
I lied to myself before and have so again.
If I wasn’t healed before and I’m not healed now, then when?