feel it. see it. feel it

I don't think anyone really knows how much I hate me
see when you look in the mirror
And your reflection adverts its eyes from you
that's when you know its bad
or its bad again
its always bad
don't eat that
don't drink that
you're adding countless calories to your body for no reason
don't even look at that cake
or those cup cakes
that cookie is going to make you bloat and float
fill up like a balloon
if you eat that cookie you can say goodbye to dinner and lunch

if you need another reason not to eat
go look in the mirror
you know your chubby faces says it more than anything
if you need another reason look at your stomach
look at how it isn't flat
at how it rolls when you sit and you can't suck it in enough
look at your fucking tits
they're nice

see if I could pin point the exact moment in my life I realized I was disgusting I would go back in time and cover my eyes,
I wish this fucking disorder was easier to explain bc when people ask me why I'm not hungry I can't find an answer that's suitable to be said out loud
But if I could I would explain it to my boyfriend first, I would apologize for all the times I didn't want to eat with him because I knew he'd want to have sex after, for all the times I just didn't want to eat.
id tell my mom, how it felt. to watch yourself in the mirror when your reflection can't look back at you, though shed probably laugh and tell me to hop on the treadmill
like getting skinny is going to cure this disease
I didn't do this to myself, I didnt ask whoever it is that fucking made me to give me this disorder, and when I try to talk to you about it mom you just tell me to eat less, to eat healthier, work out more. you have never once told me I was beautiful unless I was searching for the words and you just kind of shrugged and handed it to me
see when I was 13 you once told me I was fat
you told me I ate too much when i actually hadnt ate at all that week and that's stuck with me, because now I'm 17 and all I can think is "I'm fat if I don't eat and I'm fat if I do" so what the fuck can I do
I wish you would have taught me self love
I mean I guess its okay that you didn't because we were both too busy doing drugs
and getting abused
And torn down constantly
so you just took it out on me.
and you still do.