I would kill myself.

I would kill myself, if I could stop myself from stopping myself.  
 
I wonder what death is like  
what the feeling is in that exact moment  
not that I want to die right right now but on most days that feeling is all there is.  
 
if I asked you if you died right now could you tell me youd be scared or at peace?  
 
see sometimes I think id beyond at peace leaving this raunchy world to spend some time with the devil  
on other days I feel if i died now I have so many regrets, too many "I'm sorry's" that I didn't get to say, too many people to tell I love them in just one day.  
 
I've dreamt of death before and it always looks more beautiful than the sun rise,  
unless I'm looking at the sunrise with him and then  
 
nothing is more beautiful
 
but most days I wake up alone.  
And most days I make one cup of coffee and the other cups are empty and sad.  
these cups are empty and sad bc your lips aren't pressed against them.  
I am empty and sad bc your lips aren't pressed against mine.  
when I say sometimes death is all I feel, I mean there's an ache in my heart that doesn't know how to stop and there are voices in my head that tell me how beautiful death would be.  
 
that death would be better than never feeling your finger tips brush against my neck or your lips fall against my forehead.  
that it would be better than listening to my coffee mugs cry out your name and that extra space in the shower taunting me bc I have to wash my back and get out as fast as possible bc its hard to stand naked with yourself when its like looking at stranger.
 
death sounds better than life when my mother looks at me like I am a dead mouse her cat has brought to her, this cat is proud she has brought home food except my mother only sees a dead rat that belongs in the trash and she barely wants to look at it, calls someone else from the house to burry it.  
 
death sounds better when my own brother feels alone in this world to the point where he can't leave his bed and all he can do is get high bc our mother is selfish and doesn't think of his feelings.  
 
death sounds better bc if I could take my brothers depression away by ending my life I would do it in an instant.  
no hesitation, I think I would kill myself if it would take anyone's pain away but when I really think about it, its an excuse.  
 
I would kill myself just to kill myself.