deepundergroundpoetry.com
My Bestfriend
someone i can trust
with everyyhing i know
the one that when im with
i can let everything go
no fear of judgement,
or being looked down at
because this is the one,
that would never do that
she's always got my back,
no matter what happens
whenever i need help
she jump into action
whenever i'm down
she's there to help me up
really she's a true friend,
yeah it's real enough
never been a fakey
or one to let me down
she's the queen of besties
I give her the crown
my number one bestie
world's top bestfriend
she always on my side,
till death and past the end
with everyyhing i know
the one that when im with
i can let everything go
no fear of judgement,
or being looked down at
because this is the one,
that would never do that
she's always got my back,
no matter what happens
whenever i need help
she jump into action
whenever i'm down
she's there to help me up
really she's a true friend,
yeah it's real enough
never been a fakey
or one to let me down
she's the queen of besties
I give her the crown
my number one bestie
world's top bestfriend
she always on my side,
till death and past the end
Published 21st Sep 2011
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The author encourages honest critique.
...since you asked;
Best Friend is 2 words.
Where in here have you done anything but give us greeting-card lines? Try to show us how this person is your 'bestie' (not much of a word that), and then we can decide for ourselves how shit-hot she is....uncover, don't tell.
Also, what happened with the rhyme? The first verse starts off setting a tone and pace, and then you just walk away from it, leaving the reader thrown...be nicer to your reader.
You need to decide if you are going to punctuate the piece or not, and then do what you decide. This piece looks like it's had commas sneezed on it....random placing at best.
H.
Best Friend is 2 words.
Where in here have you done anything but give us greeting-card lines? Try to show us how this person is your 'bestie' (not much of a word that), and then we can decide for ourselves how shit-hot she is....uncover, don't tell.
Also, what happened with the rhyme? The first verse starts off setting a tone and pace, and then you just walk away from it, leaving the reader thrown...be nicer to your reader.
You need to decide if you are going to punctuate the piece or not, and then do what you decide. This piece looks like it's had commas sneezed on it....random placing at best.
H.
21st Sep 2011 11:25pm
thanks for the honest opinion and advice. when i first wrote tis poem i had no thought behind it other than to be something sweet for my best friend. then i decided recently to put it on ud and get feedback on it to grow from. again thank you.
