I will be Queen!

She smirked  
With a remarkable resemblance  
To Miranda Richardson  
Playing Elizabeth the First
 
Just as soon as I can bump off  
My new Sister-in-Law
Korporate Kate  
That two bit Sloan  
It shall be I who is  
Next in line to it all!
 
I hear there’s a story about some  
Princes, a Tower and a wall  
Get that done it will be I
Who shall take the British throne….
 
Although I will have to brush up  
Maybe take the Royal Tour
Incognito of course,
Paying special attention to the Tour Guide,  
His story about the Princes, the Tower and the wall  
Because really I don’t know anything about the British  
Or the Royals, at all!
 
You just turn up, right?
PR Firm, Prince on your arm  
Smile, say something scripted  
Written by someone smart
That makes me sound
Like I actually have a heart!  
 
And those idiot Brits
Pay Royals money!  
For doing what exactly?!  
The Brits, they’re so funny!
They drive Jags , wave flags, and pay me money!
 
And I get to keep my own wealth  
Stashed off shore  
Safe from the US and UK Tax Man!  
And what this ‘marriage’
Will do for my flagging career!  
 
OK and Hello!  
They’re queuing up, right here!
There’s talk of a 6 page spread  
ME on the throne  
With leopard skin leggings!
And a post-marriage  
Bikini body special!
Oh, I’ve died and gone to celebrity heaven!  
 
But that will be before
I get knocked up  
With MY air to the throne
All costs covered by  
The dim witted  
Taxpaying, flag waving British peasants  
Of course!
 
So I will ignore my nagging doubts  
That the Brits are already  
Calling me Marie Antoinette,  
And something about renting  
A guillotine from France  
What is this British nick name thing?
And why can’t my PR Firm control it?!
 
And why, when my back is turned,  
Is Prince Philip  
Counting the silver and
Checking my purse  
Whilst banging on about  
 
Some dusty old German Royal  
Who sold her family jewels
During the last war  
To feed the poor!  
 
Dumb Bitch!
Why do that when you can stash
Your wealth safely off shore?
Well away from the Tax Man and the poor!
Isn't that what the Tax Havens are for?
 
So all I have to do  
To make  
MY DREAMS  
Come true  
Is to get that Hewitt Kid into bed  
Although it’ll be Nanny dress up
And spank his little bot
Because he’s (still)  
A little private school boy at heart  
 
But apart from that
Oh it’s GUARANTEED to be such fun!
But will someone PLEASE PLEASE  
Tell me  
What the AMERICAN translation  
Is for the British word ‘Cunt’?