Reflective Realizations

I let you take my body because it felt so good to give you my heart
In those moments, I didn't require you to give me yours
I was satisfied with just your full attention
Finally I was the subject of your exclusive focus
I'd let you have me in starving nights
Because I just craved to be close to you
So hungry for love, and especially yours
I took it any way I could get it
Oh how I cherished the crumbs I got
They fed me for days
Though never left me fully satiated

On those nights, you wanted me
I loved to be wanted by only you
But in the morning tears forced me to remember that there's a big difference between want and desire
You never once desired me
You didn't ache to taste and touch my skin
Your tongue didn't reach out into the night in delusional hope that you'd catch drops of me in the wind
You didn't want to feel me in your hands
You didn't reminisce and internally scream for more
You just wanted me for your pleasure
I made you feel good
Just like anyone could make you feel
Reminding me that I'm not special, I'm just like every other girl
Nice for the moment, and not for a lifetime
Fun in simplicity but not worth the complicated

I fucking desired you
I yearned so deeply for you to feel the same, knowing that you wouldn't
I let you hurt me because the pain kept me alive
It was better than feeling nothing at all
For the days I'd forgotten a heart remained in my chest
It reminded me that the beat lived on
Maybe I needed you how you wanted me
And we were just two people desperate to feel
At least I got to make you happy
I got something out of that but not enough

But you didn't know you were hurting me
I never let you see my tears, and I made sure to clean up every bloodstain before you returned to me
That's why I'm not mad at you
It was my fault
I don't hate myself for it, because I know what I did
I just hate the reason why
Because you didn't deserve that kind of devotion
And you weren't worth such strong deep emotion

You like to take, I like to give
If I'd known that, I would have stayed far from your direction
You made me think we both had mutual give and take aspirations
Now I see that was only to grab my attention
So you could steal my affection, then blame me for your rejection
I made it easy for you to call when you were lonely
The rest who answer require reciprocation
I could only dream of what that was like
And I did, too
When I would try to make it reality, or think that I was getting close
You'd walk further away, and still I was on fire for you
My affection was unconditional
I burned in silence
And died in secret
I would have killed to know what it was like to be desired by you
Instead, I lived in hopeless wonder
I longed for what I never had but the others got
I'd wished I was one of them
Just to feel it
Once

What I have learned is that my affection must now be conditional
And all want, desire and love I give can no longer be boundless
This applies to every kind of human investment
From deeply romantic to family to friendship
I need to feel wanted, desired and loved as much as anybody else
And it's okay to say that out loud
I want to feel the things I feel in return
I want what I put in to be poured back out onto me
I don't deserve anything less
Because I know that I'm always willing to give more
And I'm not afraid to exemplify that openly
I must stick with people who love the way I love only

This shouldn't feel like a confession to myself, or like some blanket of shame is being lifted
When it's simply an admission that I'm human
It is not selfish to want my feelings to be respected
And to decide that nothing less should be accepted
I look in the mirror to acknowledge a past suppressed
And with these reflections and realizations, I've found the strength to express
That I don't want to be the one who loves most
I want to meet my match