deepundergroundpoetry.com
27
our luck has changed
you and I
now codependent
college roommates
in a messy dorm
we speak on the issues
politics
watching Netflix --
we swap stories
the tragic
and gut-busting comedy
that is life
we open bottles of wine
with keys instead of corkscrews
microwaving quesadillas
and swallow junk
ideals of the perfect society
meanwhile lies piles of laundry
as high as the responsibilities
we've borne since graduation
dishes as dirty
as my resentment
and my understanding
is growing
that we aren't grown yet
that sickens me
as much as the realization
that we weren't ready
to take the
plunge
you and I
now codependent
college roommates
in a messy dorm
we speak on the issues
politics
watching Netflix --
we swap stories
the tragic
and gut-busting comedy
that is life
we open bottles of wine
with keys instead of corkscrews
microwaving quesadillas
and swallow junk
ideals of the perfect society
meanwhile lies piles of laundry
as high as the responsibilities
we've borne since graduation
dishes as dirty
as my resentment
and my understanding
is growing
that we aren't grown yet
that sickens me
as much as the realization
that we weren't ready
to take the
plunge
Published 8th Nov 2017
| Edited 10th Nov 2017
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I read this earlier but couldn't reply. Or, rather, didn't know how to reply.
Technically it's a top-notch poem. The only suggestions I could offer: remove 'like' in S1 L3, 'the' S2 L1 ( not needed and you use it in L5 ), change 'and swallowing junk' to 'swallow junk' in S3 L4, and 'and' in S5 L1.
I actually enjoyed the repetition of 'as' throughout the stanzas. It added a lyrical rhythm to the piece that was phonically pleasing.
Morally it's a toughie. There are plateaus every couple reaches where they push through or push out. The litmus is communication and a scale of the following: Does the pain of staying together outweigh the pain of separation.
Therein lies your answer.
One final note is the correlation between the 27 club deaths and this title ( though I'm uncertain you intended that ).
Technically it's a top-notch poem. The only suggestions I could offer: remove 'like' in S1 L3, 'the' S2 L1 ( not needed and you use it in L5 ), change 'and swallowing junk' to 'swallow junk' in S3 L4, and 'and' in S5 L1.
I actually enjoyed the repetition of 'as' throughout the stanzas. It added a lyrical rhythm to the piece that was phonically pleasing.
Morally it's a toughie. There are plateaus every couple reaches where they push through or push out. The litmus is communication and a scale of the following: Does the pain of staying together outweigh the pain of separation.
Therein lies your answer.
One final note is the correlation between the 27 club deaths and this title ( though I'm uncertain you intended that ).
10th Nov 2017 1:36pm
I didn't intend it-- it is just my age. I had to research what you were talking about (very interesting tie-in, thanks for sharing!)
12th Nov 2017 5:52pm
13th Nov 2017 00:33am
