Crystal

 
I remember when this first started  
This abbreviated self-  
The cliffnotes of an emotional me,
Cuz this lifes too long, like reading War and Peace  
Drugs: they put the inner war at peace.  
Been 8 days & counting since I got some sleep.
They say "sweet dreams", but I only experienced how my dreams weep.
My own mind attacks from every direction  
The shit ive envisioned from sleep deprovation  
Reality feels like a dream  
Dreaming feels like real  
All the while my heart sits still-  
Can smell the earth, & casket of oak,
Feel deep loneliness, I'm icy cold  
Thats when that falling feeling takes hold  
Suffocating darkness follows as I'm lowered into the ground  
Demons mocking is the only sound    
"Ashes to ashes and dust to dust"  
Gonna die chasing Crystal, with that sickening lust  
Crystal, she seduced me and left me broken over and over again  
Til i had no one and she was my only friend.  
Fading in and out of consciousness  
Inhaling life back into subconscious depths  
Thats when I caught my  reflection staring back at me-  
Eyes windows to darkness because my souls obsolete  
Pick marks & sunken cheeks-  
 The "mark of the beast"  
When did this beauty turn into a beast?  
All hope; desist and cease  
Anxiety burns my skin at hellish degrees  
When did this mind become so twisted?  
How did I not notice? How's it that I had missed it  
How'd an occasional relief of reality become full blown addiction?
How could I let that demon of addiction take hold so tight?  
Didn't it phase me, couldnt I see that shit's not right?
Didnt I question hows it possible for darkness to overtake a room filled with light?  
Suddenly my lifes become roaring rapids- continuous chaos
Trapped on this runaway train and I cant jump off  
Memories play begining before I'd begun to talk  
Eyewitness to gang violence where the most lives taken was all that's  sought
Driveby shooting to kill the masses was how they fought
Brother gently set me down not knowing he'd begun his final walk,
Ravaged by bullets left him bloodied and lined in chalk,
These childhood memories laced with the smell of burning drugs,
Liqour made daddy an enemy and my only refuge was with teenage thugs
Always fights- fought with: words, fists, guns and knives  
Never shielded from it, told to accept it as Life  
So thru the years ive accepted being demoralized,  
Exploited, stomped, kicked, burned, raped and life on the street.  
Til I cry out in weakness Heavenly Father, why has though forsaken me?  
Thats when I lifted my hands to the sky  
Please save me from myelf and give me no room to even try  
Fill this void that let your light inside me escape  
Lay my life at your feet for you to take  
Reshape me make me new forgiven from all my transgressions  
Free me from all my self destructive obsessions  
In the beginning I blew toxic clouds to carry away my pain  
Now an endless abyss of pain is all that remains  
Father God, Free me!  
Silence the addiction pleading for me to set these feeling aflame  
Let the demons of the darkness fade away  
Thats all it took, my complete surrender of my life seemingly hopeless  
He lifted the weight of ever sin that I began to confess  
 My tears dried from my cheeks and my heart filled with courage  
He told me "Pain and tribulations may still happen but dont get discouraged"  
Hope came with a warning its not the end of struggle  
Victory comes with obstacles to remind me to always remain humble  
Dont forget the vision of my corpse in that casket- twas my inevitable demise,  
So on the rough days seek sobriety how I used to seek my high  
Dearest Crystal, its our time to say a bittersweet goodbye  
Cuz Im ready to begin life  
My new begining