I don’t even remember your name

You said you would help me,
But I can’t say that you did.
Maybe finically, but back then I was just a kid.
If I could give all that money back  
You better believe that I would.
You manipulated my mind in every way you could.
I think you’re the one person I never did forgive.
You took away every desire I had to live.
I could blame you but I put it more on me.
In the end I made the choice to not be free.
Days turned into nights, usually I would just  
Turn off the lights.  
The thoughts in my mind constantly turned into fights.
I lingered in the darkness, I tried to develop a numb sight to it all.  
It’s been 5 years and the pain is still inside.
Maybe I’ve come to terms with it,
but I can’t shake the feeling that I should feel more alive.
It didn’t even start with you I suppose,
even when I was younger things happened to me that I would’ve never chose.
The ones I love and trusted, y’all are the ones  
That brought me down.  
Tore down my innocence as I plastered a smile over my indefinite frown.  
The memories will last a lifetime.
Some things just won’t fade away.
The drugs, alcohol, yet the feeling still stays.  
I can’t seem to numb myself enough,
I can’t seem to heal myself enough.
Sometimes I dont even think suicide would be enough.
There are just some things that can’t be erased.
Yet I’m holding onto an idea of a beautiful place.  
Though I’m not even sure if it exists anymore,
I don’t know if I’m running backwards or forward.
Regardless I’ll keep pushing through.  
With every step I get farther away from you
and what you did to me.
Brushing my hair aside, you passed me a blunt as we smoked it on the bed inside.
We were in some shitty motel on the side of the highway.
You made me feel that I could have it all my way.
At that point I’d probably believe anything you’d say.
I was hurting and broke, I needed money.
I needed something, but little did I know  
It wasn’t worth the financial stability.
For the record I wasn’t ever stable.
If I know one thing now it’s my fragility.
I’m picking up the pieces but I think I may of
lost a few along the road.  
The images reflected back at me forever  
Remind me of the times I was sold.  
I could blame you but I put it more on me.
I was young, I was naive, I was unable to see.
Yet I’m holding onto an idea of a beautiful place. Until then I guess I’ll wake up and fight the demons I have to face.