Ideally This; But Then Again No

I may not look alright
and my hair is a fright
but when my cat and I nod
we both can tell it's out of sight
I'm turned on by heavy sleepers
and when she puts on dark mascara
deeper voices than is standard
does yoga and capoeira
and I am dharma defined times two
and she's my karma painted blue
now it's a silk stocking afternoon
drenched in steaming gumbo stew

I've got a drinking drunk's nose
and a boxer's beat-on chin
and when my half-mast eyes
are on the rise
I lower them down with gin
but she's a Vegas home alone stepdaughter
more filled with H than she is water
an old god crone but much much hotter
and delights to stomp on those who've taught her

and grandma you know my wires are crossed
and I'm permanently strange
I'm a corkscrew twisted scarecrow
and I'm slightly deranged
I cling to her for less bad imagery
when an episode hits
but you couldn't really call it love
I just love her when I have fits
I need her most when I'm asleep
and twice as much when I'm awake
we're both translucent as amoebas
and as self-loathing as mistakes

she chases lizards from the pantry
with some bennys and a broom
while I'm on some dirt cheap black tar
wearing a hat with graceful plumes
and she babysits a cigarette
with her Sunday's best dressed lips
I stare like in a trance
as she manically shakes her hips
"Get out! Go on and shoo!"
but I just smile, "Let them be"
then of course she shakes her head
and puts a hand upon my knee
"Mind yourself, behave now"
because we're both in different worlds
and even though she's 45
I swear I feel twice as old

We cuddle like two sexy acrobats
for Cirque De Soleil
like a couple mental weirdos
but we love it everyday
I can work pistons for hours
and make it seem like no time's passed
but even though she's not the greatest
she's good enough to be the last
I explain I like her body
specific pressure pressed to mine
and she just loves my habits
and the smell of fresh squeezed pine

I can't stop myself from looking
cause her eyeballs are too cute
it's mainly an obssession
and it's one that hers can suit
I love heterochromia
and such thick dark limbal rings
pupils big and telling
while her fragile moaning sings

Good lord alive let me be near her
it's what I say just everyday
but I need my space
when I'm not crashing at her place
or looking for a nice
and cozy little lay
she's my jilly, ay
say thankee-sai
and knows the jargon that rolls off my tongue
and she chops wood as I plant galaxies,
spray for bugs, and shovel dung

Maybe I'm a ruthless prick
a charlatan who's on the rise
a psychopathic thing from trauma
gorgeous femme boy, big surprise
but she knows secrets
trapped inside me
knows my curves like I know hers
and she can startle my body like crazy
sometimes for better, sometimes for worse
I can't seem to tell her
this unspoken, ugly thing
she only knows I need my solitude
and the clarity it brings

I love you
I loved you
I'm sorry
poor soul
I did what I could try
before love took its massive toll
and now I just get headaches
brutal, squeezing, migraine ones
doctors say it's stress, depression
anxiety, grey matter runs
IBS that's in my skull
that all the knockout narcos in the world won't cure
it's me
and it's you
and it's us
and yes I'm sure
so please just go
go ahead my dear
in health and wealth and everything else
the only thing
that you ever needed babe
was to be
ok with yourself