Diary of my life and feelngs

Live, Die, Love, Hate, Laugh, Cry.
Ups and downs, round and round.
Fucking confused, drowning in a dessert. Is it day or night? Winter or summer?
Trapped underwater, my breaths never been deeper. Buried in the snow, I’ve never felt this warm. Lying in the coffin, I have never felt more alive.
Darkness makes me see clear, the light blinds me. The smell of burning fuel is all my nose sense. The taste of metal from my own blood is my tongues luxury. Knives and pens defines my life. I don’t feel like eating, but still feel like living.
How does it feel? To cut your wrist? Is it true that the physical pain paralyses the pain inside of you? If so, how incredible it must feel to find peace in chaos, even just for a second. I couldn’t do it though. I’m too scared, too afraid that it won’t work, that I’ll get addicted, that I will be locked away. Feeling isolated among friends is more than enough, I don’t need to be isolated from the world and the fucked up society.
Can anyone see me? When I need you the most it’s like you are all avoiding me…
And how can it be, that when I look in the mirror, I’m disgusted by the girl staring back at me. Of the sight. Of a body so skinny that bones and muscles structures the pale, dry, thin paper-like skin. Big steel-blue eyes, surrounded by dark, lavender circles. My ribs are visual from the back, lines go all the way to the front.
It doesn’t matter if I bent over or stand up straight, my spine still presses against my skin. My hipbones, I can grab them! It’s like there is one thing I can hold on too. How sick is that? Nobody knows their skeleton as well as I do, I know every bone. And yet, even though I  don’t find it pretty, I don’t want to eat, ‘cause maybe, if I lose more weight, people will notice me…
Plus, I’m in love with a girl. I get happy the second her voice is in my ear, and fall right down from my pink cloud the second she hangs up… I love her so much it seems, she always on my mind. But what would people say if they knew I was bi?
Help me.
I feel so lost.
 
And I can get lost in a phone booth, so it’s really bad…