WHY?

I don't talk because my throat is filled with nails  
and every time I'm asked how I feel  
it's like another is added to my gallery.  

Sometimes I can't breath in the place  
because this medicine makes my chest feel heavy  
and makes it hard to breath for days.
 
I'm on these meds because of what I do to myself.  
When my doctor asks me how I feel,  
his face twists in disgust when I actually tell him so I don't.  
Instead I tell him what he wants to hear,  
that I'm doing okay now.  
Better than before but that's not the truth.  

My therapist says I should find alternate ways to cope  
and when I do she tells me to stop.  
Whether your cutting or burning or fucking,  
its all the same and you shouldn't self harm but I cant help it.  
Because when you start cutting or burning or fucking  
because you feel so shitty and worthless about yourself you can't stop.  
Your body lets out these neat little things called endorphins  
and it makes you feel so fucking high.  
You get addicted.  
And once you start you can never not be a weird freak.  
At least that's what they called me.  

Your body becomes a scarred mess of skin and bones  
and nobody likes that on a  
"pretty" girl.  
Nobody can love you because of your scars  
"pretty" Girl.  
Why do you that to yourself "pretty" girl.  
THIS "pretty"girl doesn't feel so feel pretty  
when all she's ever told is she can never be good enough  
because of her SCARS!  

If you knew why they were there you'd think of me differently.  
So I don't talk.  
Sometimes my body feels like it's on fire  
and makes me want to rip off of all my flesh and walk  
just bone straight forever until I find a place where my mind is finally quiet.  

I don't talk because it's already too loud.  
In my head I have a million things to tell you  
but I don't want to take up any of your thinking space.  
So I'm quiet because my mind tells me too.  

She tells me nobody cares about you silly girl.  
No one loves silly girl.  
They're not really your friends silly girl.
And I don't talk because I believe her  
I believe her because I have no reason not to.