She Always Won Before

In the half-light of morning
(Before the darkness fades to white
But after the escape is over)
I can still feel it.
Humming beneath my skin
And coursing through my veins,
She’s alive.
 
I know it’s some fantasy –
A sick belief because she isn’t a she at all,
But I hold on to the idea all the same.
How can she be anything but a woman –
Vindictive, her nails in my skin,
And hissing her own emotion in my ear
So I have to feel it too.
 
It’s distinct, the way it stinks
And the smell curls through my senses
Until I’m dizzy with it.
And somehow I can hear the child again
Screaming in a tantrum
Wanting more
Like a character in a forgotten story.
But I have not been a child for a long time now
And this race will be over soon
If she does not leave me alone.
 
I reach out and renew her life.
She hisses and smiles
And begins her dance anew
And the race begins again.
Someone once told me
To choose between myself
And the drugs of her world
And she always won before.