I Am

I am young
I am ambitious
I have planned it all out, mapped it all out
I said I'd do this and that...and I'm doing it. I'm doing it all I'm doing it well but what is missing
I keep searching for it in beautiful eyes and touchable hair, gorgeous bodies and in unknown kinks
I have it all planned out
I'm doing so well
So why am I in his bed and that bed in my bed now with him and with her
I am doing it all but I don't feel good about
Will I ever just be me alone in my bed
Or will I continue on this maze of gorgeous people
All sharing with me something I want but don't have
All offering me things I don't know how to find
All providing me with something I can not give myself
Will I ever be enough
Will i ever be content with just me and what I have to offer.
Or will I just search and search and never find what it is I am looking for
As I think of the work waiting on my desk for me
The writing of more papers and taking of more tests
 I  want to give up
I want to call a quits and tell the world
YOU WON
YOU HAVE beaten me
But I can't do that-
all eyes are on me
The classmates the friends the relatives of relatives on Facebook
All secretly hoping I will fail because then they are better than me, or their children are better than me.
Then maybe they will have more self confidence even just for a moment
So If I have to dull the throb of rejection with meaningless people and their meaningless bodies
 I will
Because I am young
I am ambitious