I Punched a Wall - Dealing With Epilepsy

This is something I wrote, after I punched a wall.. It's amazing what gives you motivation just to speak your mind.

I'm 99% sure this isn't a poem, or a spoken word.. But it's a message that I had to get out, so people could understand what the life is like living with a chronic illness.


I Punched a Wall - Dealing With Epilepsy

I punched a wall today.
honestly, I see that as a good thing
the pent up anger shattered over the inanimate surface that represents the walls I've built myself
I left a trace where people can see.. that deep down inside... I want help.

i showed emotion. My true emotion.
I didn't lie and say I was ok. I was angry, and i just had to let it go.

"They" say "breathe it out" .. what a joke.
The people who give you this "remedy" are usually naive of this feeling.
I don't even understand it myself. Is it my depression? My medication?
Or.. How about the fact that all my friends ran away the moment I was diagnosed with epilepsy?
..
Maybe.. all of the above..

Dealing with the sadness, and the anger is probably the hardest part about living with chronic illnesses.
Whatever it is.. Anxiety, Depression, Epilepsy.. It's all the same, I mean.. it's different, but it's all the same..

You hide yourself in your own cubicle, so people can't see that you're weak.
because your false image of being "strong" is the only thing you have left.
you smile.. while deep down inside, you're crying
just so that the people around you won't feel uncomfortable

and when you do manage to get your true feelings out, and the person you trusted the most doesn't even know what to say..
You'll actually have the audacity to apologize.

I bet if you went on to my facebook page right now, you would see dozens of pictures of me smiling. Most of them from after my diagnosis.
are the smiles real?
Maybe.
I leave trails in my statuses, of song lyrics, good quotes, or something that can explain how I feel, and get that message out
yet if someone asks me "whats up? You ok?" I can just reply
that it's just a quote, or.. it just from a song. So I don't actually have to deal with my problems.

Honestly, I don't really know what the point of this message is. Maybe it's to help people relate that they're not alone
that there are others that feel this way..

Or maybe it's me reaching out, seeing if people actually do..
what if i'm alone with this?
I hope I'm not alone, even though at the same time I'd never wish this upon my worst enemy.

It took a lot to send a message out like this. I honestly never thought I would. But I feel like I need to. I need to take some of this weight off of my chest before it smothers me.
I can only hold so much.

I doubt my parents and close friends will ever see this.. as I won't be sharing it with them.
I'm too afraid of what they would think.
ironic, huh?

I guess I just want to leave you with one last thing..

Just remember that you are strong. You're not alone, don't give up.
And to those people who want to end their life.. please understand that I get it.. I've been at that point, where giving up seems like the only option.. It's not.
all that happened is that you were hit with a cheapshot..You weren't ready.
It's time to recover, and hit back.
The fight isn't over until you have nothing left. And as long as you're breathing..

you have everything you need.