I HATE BEING PREGNANT.

Don’t talk to me, I’m not in the mood
I’m tired, fed up have gone off my food
I have heartburn, piles, I have an aching back
Don’t argue with me because I won’t cut you any slack
I have puffy black bags under my eyes
I look like I have eaten way too many pies
I have stretch marks everywhere, I look like a map
The baby kicks me in my ribs when I’m trying to nap
When I’m awake, it is as calm as can be
But when I want to sleep, it kicks the shit out of me

I’m forever hot, I forever sweat
My nipples leak milk, I’m forever wet
When I walk I puff and pant
I can tell you Paul, I hate being pregnant
What happened to the supposed pregnancy glow?
Where the fuck did that go?
This glowing and blooming thing is just a myth
Seems to me it has taken the fifth!

I’m depressed, fed up, forlorn
I can’t wait until this baby is born
Trapped wind, haemorrhoids and constipation
Body slowing down, lack of motivation
I can’t bend over because I will fall
I have had enough of it all!
I have emotional meltdowns over trivial things
Remember when you burnt my onion rings?
I’m not allowed liver, I’m not allowed booze
I can’t even bend over to tie up my shoes
I’m not allowed mayo, I’m not allowed blue cheese
I trickle in my knickers when I sneeze
I plod along, I cannot scurry
For this birth I’m now in a hurry”

Betty’s state of mind is in turmoil
She wants to bring the labor forward using castor oil
I tell her to stop flapping, not to get herself worked up into a state
I tell her she must be patient and wait
Well I think she may have been a little angry
As she then launched her shoe at me

I explain that castor oil is derived from poison
It would be bad for our unborn daughter or son
Castor oil is supposed to taste revolting
And this thought she really should be halting
“Just take things nice and steady
The baby is almost ready
The idea of castor oil is the pits
Besides it will give you the shits
No Betty it’s better to naturally wait”
She apologises, she’s not thinking straight