Sweet November

Sometimes I wish you'd just slip away      
When I wasn't watching    
When you weren't looking      
In my eyes.      
     
The deliberate goodbye . . .      
hands in mine    
Lips gracing worry lines    
On the face      
     
I know you don't wish to go    
The pained crack in the voice      
As you turn the knob    
And I tell you    
Not to look back    
But you do      
And turn slowly      
   
Then I know      
it's time again.    
     
Here I am sitting cross-legged      
On the carpet      
Holding the damp towel      
Still wet from the shower      
     
And around me      
Sorting      
Through laundry      
And old mixtapes    
From mother's house    
     
you'd think these CDs  
were ancient artifacts      
dust seeping
Into playful rainbows      
    
I came across this film    
That I'd never seen before      
And how this came      
Into my possession      
I have no idea      
     
But you see    
After two hours    
Of watching a terrible    
Movie about a guy      
Falling in love    
With a cancer patient      
I can't stop crying.      
     
The acting is poor      
And the plot is cliche      
But the scene where she blindfolds    
Him and walks away the last    
Time . . .      
I'm becoming one of them.    
Those weeping wives.      
     
Sometimes I wonder    
If you'll ever get deployed.      
Like my dad was many times.      
And I think of rainy summer nights    
When I held Mama in my arms -    
     
(She thought she was holding me    
But I know I was holding her    
Because she could not sleep)    
     
awaiting letters    
that came from distant    
desert sands . . .      
     
It's all very romantic      
And neatly arranged in my head    
     
Teary reunions at the airport    
And homemade signs,    
And I'm becoming      
one of those    
Weepy wives again.      
     
But when you're not here    
I get so scared    
I can't sleep      
Something could happen to me  
     
Because I am alone.      
     
But then there's this guilt    
Suffocating me      
     
This is about you  
not me  
     
You aren't deployed    
You may never be    
     
This is about you  
not me     
     
But one day    
you may be.   
     
Kenny    
     
I don't want you to watch    
My eyes as you close the door.      
     
Just slip away    
Or put on the blindfold      
Like in that stupid movie.