MY TOO LONG VANISHED  MISSING  SILENT MUSE      (4-1-15, 4:45pm, Starbucks coffee shop, Hemet, California)

   
       
one blank      
empty page      
under cold  vain      
ball point gaze      
of stagnant      
jaded      
ink filled pens      
increasingly weakened      
scrutiny      
long derailed      
here yet again      
in futile quest    
of my too long vanished    
burnt out  gun shy    
slippery  missing    
silent muse    
for nigh on      
two years now      
who fled the scene      
of everything      
left in silent mystery    
left me with this    
gaping  empty hole    
here all alone    
when some sudden      
fresh new      
stronger      
even more        
insatiably obsessive      
hot blooded      
sex crazed phase      
of my much more      
easily excited      
sex starved  other    
pagan muse      
dynamically      
demonstrably      
moved in      
to overtake      
to overthrow      
and completely occupy      
all my thoughts      
and senses      
my mind  my time      
and intuition      
my rabid appetite      
for life      
lo even my dreams      
soon likewise      
succumbed      
falling silent prey      
to the rampant      
juicy feast      
of my runaway      
renegade  innermost beast      
trying its best      
to retroactively        
over compensate      
all that lifelong      
lonesome  carnal lack        
reeling it back in      
so fast and furious      
at such a voracious pace      
in trying to pull in      
so much crucial slack      
forty years at least      
of my fated  stolen      
human wholeness      
gone by now without      
to finally        
at long last      
be able to compensate      
with such deep      
joyous confidence      
such pleasurable relief      
from my oversaturations      
collective satisfaction      
from such latent      
sweet fulfillment        
of so much primal need      
that fed my raw  wild lust      
with such frequent      
blissful conquest      
id never really had before      
throughout my life    
till now      
at least not        
to this degree      
beyond my wildest dreams      
and yet alas      
its left me still      
without true love        
beyond myself  alone    
despite the hundreds served      
here so intensely    
though just as superficially since    
and yet sometimes    
it seems and feels      
after all is said and done      
its also left my head      
my heart      
my love of life itself    
indeed        
my world at large      
still just as lost      
as ever      
spinning        
madly        
on and on    
though somehow    
better off    
this time around    
in some peculiar    
yet still    
deficient way    
somewhere high out there    
only semi happy    
yet just as confused    
as before    
in the boundless    
though much too rare    
much too fleeting    
invisible ecstasy    
of so much    
verboten    
self fulfillment    
until id finally    
drowned enough    
in the seemingly    
bottomless sea    
of my own    
deep  blind excess    
addicted as i am    
or so it seems at times    
just as ive always been    
at least to    
some degree    
without the vital key    
of seeing through    
my relentless appetite    
through all the mostly    
superficial    
impersonal    
hollow emptiness    
it largely was and is    
into a deeper clarity    
a simpler  clearer truth    
of another reality    
ive longed    
and prayed for most    
that so elusive    
liberating key    
which once in mind    
and hand    
allows me to unlock    
everything    
i see and find    
i like and want    
to feel and fuse with    
all that which speaks my name    
in any yielding    
resonant tongue    
of this still broken dreams    
once more fluid mirrors    
long shattered    
imperfections    
oblique introspections    
which ive become    
yet have always been    
though never more so    
than here now    
still teetering precariously on    
somewhere way    
way  way out there    
or is it here      
long lost within    
their ill juxtaposed    
unkindred  hostile hinterlands    
simultaneously    
laughing and crying    
forever slipping    
back and forth    
along the quivering    
fragile borderline    
somewhere just beyond    
the conscious    
reach and grasp    
of most    
where i am oddly    
so relaxed    
at peace here    
deep within    
the deeper    
mostly unseen    
inside  outside in    
upside  downside up    
multi dimensionally peripheral    
alternative realities    
ive learned to access    
and navigate alone    
from years    
of necessary  escapist    
survival practice    
experience    
a neutral safe place    
a hidden retreat    
to call my own    
where i have frequently gone    
by choice    
as much as when    
desperately needed    
somewhere unmappable    
obscure  unseen    
between    
enlightenment    
and insanity    
an interesting world    
kept and held secretly within    
my unique awareness s    
own strange    
self expressive takes    
seemingly perpetual    
free will chosen state    
ive always sought and found    
to take my sweet  isolated    
creative refuge in    
where it seems    
ive once more gone    
unintentionally slipped off    
to retreat into    
here yet again    
although i dont quite know    
just how    
all this came to evolve    
nor to actually    
be here now    
amid all these fraily twisted    
inwardly reflective    
loosely felt    
daydream like    
intuitive thoughts    
spontaneously arisen    
released in the still    
receptively spreading wake    
of these openly    
free flowing moments    
up from whence    
somewhere even deeper within    
subconsciously beneath    
and beyond it all    
ive really been only    
seeking and longing    
for almost three years now    
my long lost  slippery    
too long vanished    
missing  silenced    
muses    
hopeful return    
to call on me    
to word its sight    
to freely shine    
what light we share    
with this broken    
coldly indifferent    
yet still so beautiful    
and wondrously mysterious    
long suffering
struggling world
here once more
yet
again