What is love?

Love

Love is a weird thing.
It means something different to everyone.
To me it means pain, anger, desertion, and nothing but temporary.
It means for now, and not to last.
You think love is something that lasts forever, but it never will.
I've been shown time after time that love just let's you down.
I used to think it'll never end, and yet it's always been ripped away.
So this love you speak has only shown me heart break like no other.
We throw this word around like the air we breathe, but why?
To show compassion?
Love and compassion are two very different things to me.
I see compassion as the deep down feeling that you would call love that I see so differently.

I've been asked why I stopped saying that I love people close to me.
It's because Ive been hurt time after time to the point that i dont want that ever again, because everything comes to an end and I can't wrap my head around this feeling called love that you all cling to.
It's just all so confusing when you love to the point of doing anything for that person, but also love to the point where your curled up in a ball in the corner of a room crying your eyes out because it's gone.

How could I love?
Knowing that it defines itself on such different extreme points of the spectrum.
Knowing that it would never last and will always leave me feeling empty inside.
And yet all I hear is.
Maybe your depressed, maybe you need to talk about your feelings, maybe you need help to understand what's going through your head.
Yeah........maybe.
Maybe I know I'm depressed, but I don't let it hold me back or keep me down.
Maybe I know I need to talk about my feelings, but when I do its never heard.
And yeah, maybe, just maybe I have tried to seek help to understand what's going through my head, but the solution is not downing pills to feel "normal."

Yet this thought that I have a loss of feeling and not comprehending the idea of love, the thing is I do get it.
I get why I don't love.
It's not because I don't want to.
And it's not because I can't.
It's that I'm too scared.
I'm to scared to love.
I'm too scared to be hurt and let down.
I'm to scared of knowing that it will never last.
I'm scared to give my all and have nothing in the end.
I guess being scared has led me to be heartless, and emotionally detached, right?
Maybe that's it, just maybe.
But how can I be heartless when my chest still thumps with the beat of a heart.
How could I be emotionally detached when all these emotions flow through my body with the speed of the Nile.

I know my feelings, and love is just the house that my emotions live in.
It holds every single emotion I could  possibly have.
Each in their own room.
Each one coming out in random bursts slowly destroying the walls around them, without knowing that their actions will surely crumble the house that surrounds them.
But the biggest trouble makers live on the bottom floor where they act as termites, just eating away at the structure of the house.
Slowly taking the house down one support beam at a time.
Their names?
Well they are Anger and Sadness.
They do everything and anything to ruin this feeling you call love.

There is no love, there is only a momentary fantasy world to live in until your house of love comes crashing down.
So can you see why I'm so scared to love.
Can you see why I'd rather just lock every single door in the house, and keep an eye on my downstairs trouble makers?
Because atleast I have control of this house of love, and I won't get let down by opening the doors to my love.