I close my heart to the rain... (2013)

Sticking my head outside this window
into the rain I miss so much
brings little relief.
My eyes fall on someone else's flowers
in someone else's flowerbed
in someone else's yard...
I see my prized stroller,
faded and worn
left out in the rain.
It's Colorado, it will dry...

The unfallen tears in my soul
remain stagnant in my long pent up emotions
It's Colorado, I came out here to dry
like bleached bones in the high elevation sun
my pain is left to smolder silently
sometimes small explosions of expression
in the shallow part of my personality
but the deeper sides of me are buried,
nearly forgotten,
unappreciated, unwanted by those around me
I have not been given permission to thrive
left out here in this desert
brought out here to die to myself
and everything I love and care for
wasting away to mental nothingness
and borderline insanity...

I stick my head out again
wishing this rain were a more common thing
feeling the wetness drip on my brow and fingers.
I take little comfort in the rain
for I know it will soon be gone.
It will never make this place my own
no matter how long it falls
it will never change what cannot be.
I close my heart to the rain
for it is a facade
a pretending of a time and place that are no more
as if the past never mattered
except for my regrets
repeatedly dug up and shoved in my face
like a disobedient dog's accident in the house

I am becoming hollow
hollow like the face I see in the mirror
no longer supple or happy
drawn and tight -sallow, worn-
tired...
How much longer can I go on
running on emotionally empty?
How much longer until I simply cannot take anymore?

Some may call me depressed
but I have seen those chasms and lived to remember.
Though I cannot aptly describe the difference
between the state I am in
and depression,
I would argue that my feelings are more validated
than those of one depressed.

Forced to live here against my will,
being given no other suitable option,
made to feel as if my wants needs etc
are nothing.
I feel those are valid reasons
to feel as hopeless as I do now,
When I look ahead into my future
it is mostly dark
and what I do dare to see
I can't bare to look at.
I am not incapable of enjoying life
I just see little in my life right now
worth enjoying,
because the frustrations and fury
are more than the precious moments
that I am missing out on-
being forced to share with Someone Else.