My life 2013 -Journal Entry

That's it. I'm done. I must be emotionally dead.
Last night I was too tired to bother worrying about him...
This has happened too many times for me to waste energy on it...
All I felt was hurt. Deep, gut wrenching hurt.
I'm too hurt to be angry, too tired to lash out, but neither do I feel the wish to be intimate with him anymore...
It's been weeks since we really were and he actually got off... Longer since I felt it was anything but a chore, an obligation...
I am emotionally depleted.
What is left for my precious children now?
Every day I get up and am a machine. I deftly go through the motions of trying to at least outwardly accomplish what I think is expected of me, but there is no positive emotion to it -the ever building hurt is sometimes more easily ignored...
If I just focus hard enough on something pretty, something positive, something enjoyable, I can almost pretend like my entire universe is not being slowly, methodically ripped apart... I myself am depleted. There is nothing left...

This isn't what I dreamed of, what I asked for, what I wanted... This is not what I gave up most of my belongings to uproot and move halfway across the country for. I came here for a Better life, not a daily living hell.
I'm so tired of being told my issues are my fault, that I bring 'it' on myself...
That if I would only behave 'this' way, say these things, everything would be all peachy.
I'm tired of having NO ONE on MY side, of two faced lies, of being told one thing and overhearing another...
I'm tired of empty promises and thwarted dreams...

Empty Words

is that all you have to offer me?
I deserve better...

I have ignored or brushed off half of what I've been told; 'that' couldn't happen to Me... Not us...
I have already been told by a therapist that this is bad -and that was Before it got this awful...
I've been in a self preserving denial for too long, and now it's slowly sucking the life force out of me...