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F.A.T. (Female Anorexia Trigger)
90 pounds of skin and bone still looking in the mirror and seeing a girl who is over weight and fat. I'm not exactly thin, am I? The girl in the mirror isn't that for sure, when was that last time I ate? Oh right I had three crackers for breakfast this morning-- It's only 9:00 at night now and my stomach has resulted to eating itself, it's not hungry anymore. I've been doing this for months, and it's scary how just a couple of random comments from people have made me do this to myself. Why haven't I loss weight, why do I still look fat when I look in the mirror? Why do I feel fat when I eat something a normal person can eat and I end up throwing it up? I couldn't go back to eating even if I wanted to, which I don't because I need to be skinny and beautiful, right? Isn't that why people like skinny girls, because they look beautiful, sure my eyes are sunken in and you can see every angle of my jaw, if I suck in you'll be able to see my ribs, is there a size extra, extra small? I'm not skinny enough though, I need to be perfect, tape my mouth shut so that way I don't eat, scratch the word "FAT" into my thigh so then I know what I must never be again. I feel so weak, I can barely pull myself out of bed today. Must drag myself downstairs and then to school again for another fun filled day of learning and then I can hide away from everyone at lunch because I don't eat. Even now when I can't get any skinnier unless I removed the blood in my body, unless I just sucked out my muscles and tissues. These girls still call me fat, maybe because I'm wearing such baggy clothes but if anyone saw how skinny I really was now, they'd think I'm ugly. Ugly little skinny girl, takes things too seriously, I already hear them laughing about me. 87 pounds, am I skinny enough yet? Am I beautiful yet? "You're not exactly tiny" thanks mom, I'll make sure to remember that and throw away all of the food you buy for me, I don't need it. All I'll be dining on is air, and my own insides that my body is now tearing apart itself. I lay in bed and feel myself being devoured from the inside out by nothing, I can't move-- I'm going to die here, fat and alone.
I'm walking home now, trying to carry my stuff that probably weighs more than me right now, when all of sudden I feel really sick. Has the parasite finally gotten to my heart and I am going to die right here, right now. The room spins and my heart rate quickens and then I fall, and darkness eats me alive.
When I wake up, I surrounded by people that tell me that I passed out because I haven't been eating correctly. Why am I doing this to myself? I look at the girl in the mirror and see someone fat, someone not pretty, someone ugly. What are they talking about, I can't eat anything-- I'll just get fatter than I already am? I am grabbed by my shoulders and am forced to look into the mirror.
"Look at yourself, you're nothing more than skin and bones.You're killing yourself, you're killing yourself! You need to get help, you're not fat! You're skinny, too skinny!"
The fog clears and I fall to the ground, shaking and I finally see the girl that everyone else sees. I see this ugly, pale skinny girl with her eyes sunken in and her skin hanging onto her bones like it didn't quite fit her anymore. I was too skinny, I was killing myself, and the tears begin to fall because now I see what I have become.
Anorexic.
It has been a few months and I still can't eat a normal size meal without throwing it up but I'm starting to get the color back in my face and I don't feel sick all of the time. I was never fat says the doctor, I was under my weight actually, I didn't need to diet at all, I was naturally skinny. Why didn't anyone tell me that before? Why didn't anyone tell me that I didn't need to starve myself while it was happening? I am not fat, and no one can ever tell me differently.
Fat isn't just a word.
So don't say it because it's funny or because you, yourself feel that way.
Fat isn't a state of bodily appearence.
So don't make fun of someone because of it.
Fat isn't just something you can say to someone as a joke.
Fat is code, an unspoken code.
And when said that right way, it translates to:
instant. . .
Female
Anorexia
Trigger.
I'm walking home now, trying to carry my stuff that probably weighs more than me right now, when all of sudden I feel really sick. Has the parasite finally gotten to my heart and I am going to die right here, right now. The room spins and my heart rate quickens and then I fall, and darkness eats me alive.
When I wake up, I surrounded by people that tell me that I passed out because I haven't been eating correctly. Why am I doing this to myself? I look at the girl in the mirror and see someone fat, someone not pretty, someone ugly. What are they talking about, I can't eat anything-- I'll just get fatter than I already am? I am grabbed by my shoulders and am forced to look into the mirror.
"Look at yourself, you're nothing more than skin and bones.You're killing yourself, you're killing yourself! You need to get help, you're not fat! You're skinny, too skinny!"
The fog clears and I fall to the ground, shaking and I finally see the girl that everyone else sees. I see this ugly, pale skinny girl with her eyes sunken in and her skin hanging onto her bones like it didn't quite fit her anymore. I was too skinny, I was killing myself, and the tears begin to fall because now I see what I have become.
Anorexic.
It has been a few months and I still can't eat a normal size meal without throwing it up but I'm starting to get the color back in my face and I don't feel sick all of the time. I was never fat says the doctor, I was under my weight actually, I didn't need to diet at all, I was naturally skinny. Why didn't anyone tell me that before? Why didn't anyone tell me that I didn't need to starve myself while it was happening? I am not fat, and no one can ever tell me differently.
Fat isn't just a word.
So don't say it because it's funny or because you, yourself feel that way.
Fat isn't a state of bodily appearence.
So don't make fun of someone because of it.
Fat isn't just something you can say to someone as a joke.
Fat is code, an unspoken code.
And when said that right way, it translates to:
instant. . .
Female
Anorexia
Trigger.
Published 27th Aug 2011
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6th Sep 2011 1:14am
This poem made me tear up, not because I've tried this which I haven't, but because people actually think as this poem does and it will forever make me think about what I say before I say it. Thank you. Good job.
18th Sep 2011 7:42pm
