deepundergroundpoetry.com
The Still Cries
She held the world in her mind.
The hurricanes of past and present laid ever thoughtful, but there rested a calm in the winds.
Tiny pauses where the sun rose in the mind.
It was at this hour that she was at her worst, unsteady and pacing searching for something to gain her focus.
She longed to feel the beating drum of rain droplets beating and soaking her soul in its frigid, merciless bath.
Instead in the still she cried in discontent and boredom, screamed in a thirst for her pens wild scrawl to write something....anything!
But it wrote nothing! It just held above the empty pages that wait for the storms to breathe again, a hovering resentment held in her heart and a still silence remained, but the tears they fall to gather her uncertainty on the pillow, a silent cry all that's left to one's name.
The hurricanes of past and present laid ever thoughtful, but there rested a calm in the winds.
Tiny pauses where the sun rose in the mind.
It was at this hour that she was at her worst, unsteady and pacing searching for something to gain her focus.
She longed to feel the beating drum of rain droplets beating and soaking her soul in its frigid, merciless bath.
Instead in the still she cried in discontent and boredom, screamed in a thirst for her pens wild scrawl to write something....anything!
But it wrote nothing! It just held above the empty pages that wait for the storms to breathe again, a hovering resentment held in her heart and a still silence remained, but the tears they fall to gather her uncertainty on the pillow, a silent cry all that's left to one's name.
Published 11th May 2017
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 2
reading list entries 1
comments 6
reads 882
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
11th May 2017 11:43pm
12th May 2017 11:58am
12th May 2017 4:08am
Wow. This is strong. I felt powerful emotion in this...and my still silence is hell sometimes. Great write.
12th May 2017 11:59am
20th May 2017 00:03am
Sometimes, the words you need just won't come, will they? They always seem to return in their sweet time.
There are some things in this piece I'd like to comment on more specifically.
The hurricanes of past and present laid ever thoughtful, but there rested a calm in the winds. — "Laid" doesn't seem the best choice of words here. There's no activity in it. Hurricanes don't lay. Perhaps something like "churned" or "swirled" would pair better with your metaphor.
It was at this hour that she was at her worst, unsteady and pacing searching for something to gain her focus. — "at this hour" is so specific, particularly when the line above states that the pauses were tiny. Could be "it was then" or "it was in those moments" or something similar. A comma after "pacing" would help with phrasing.
She longed to feel the beating drum of rain droplets beating and soaking her soul in its frigid, merciless bath. — The second "beating" is redundant. You could omit "beating and" and not lose any of your meaning or imagery. I'm going to suggest cutting "droplets" too, just because it sounds better to my ear. If you keep "droplets" then "its" should be "their" or "a".
Instead in the still she cried in discontent and boredom, screamed in a thirst for her pens wild scrawl to write something....anything! — May I suggest "from" for your second "in"? There are a lot of ins in this line. You're missing an apostrophe in "pen's".
But it wrote nothing! It just held above the empty pages that wait for the storms to breathe again, a hovering resentment held in her heart and a still silence remained, but the tears they fall to gather her uncertainty on the pillow, a silent cry all that's left to one's name. — "It just held above" doesn't sound quite right. You're referring to a pen. What is it holding? You've also used "held" not long after in the same sentence. I think "hovered" would be a better choice, but then I'd suggest changing "hovering" to something else.
There are some things in this piece I'd like to comment on more specifically.
The hurricanes of past and present laid ever thoughtful, but there rested a calm in the winds. — "Laid" doesn't seem the best choice of words here. There's no activity in it. Hurricanes don't lay. Perhaps something like "churned" or "swirled" would pair better with your metaphor.
It was at this hour that she was at her worst, unsteady and pacing searching for something to gain her focus. — "at this hour" is so specific, particularly when the line above states that the pauses were tiny. Could be "it was then" or "it was in those moments" or something similar. A comma after "pacing" would help with phrasing.
She longed to feel the beating drum of rain droplets beating and soaking her soul in its frigid, merciless bath. — The second "beating" is redundant. You could omit "beating and" and not lose any of your meaning or imagery. I'm going to suggest cutting "droplets" too, just because it sounds better to my ear. If you keep "droplets" then "its" should be "their" or "a".
Instead in the still she cried in discontent and boredom, screamed in a thirst for her pens wild scrawl to write something....anything! — May I suggest "from" for your second "in"? There are a lot of ins in this line. You're missing an apostrophe in "pen's".
But it wrote nothing! It just held above the empty pages that wait for the storms to breathe again, a hovering resentment held in her heart and a still silence remained, but the tears they fall to gather her uncertainty on the pillow, a silent cry all that's left to one's name. — "It just held above" doesn't sound quite right. You're referring to a pen. What is it holding? You've also used "held" not long after in the same sentence. I think "hovered" would be a better choice, but then I'd suggest changing "hovering" to something else.
25th May 2017 2:43pm
At times words fall short. I appreciate your honesty and will go back and mame changes when I have a moment. Thank you Paperstains!
