What was wished vs what was felt.

To rip myself of this flesh, be my greatest desire. Sever what I am born of, tear apart and burn with fire. Sickened that I've lived this twice, and knew of the final price, stuck my heart in guillotine again pulled the lever for another slice. I can hear my heart I can hear my pain I can hear regret I can feel disdain. Stuff another wound fill it with a reason, trick yourself it's fine wander on believing, that you'll be ok, live another day, breathe another breath, suffocate to death this is all thats left, left in front of right live another night die another death.... how many times can I make it before I break down and cease to fight. Honestly i'm not sure... I feel useless no sight of light. But this is it, It's what I wanted, though this is different she's all i've wanted, as she was true and showed me life, she gave me freedom though its unwanted. Cant hold a grudge, cant be enraged, she was so brave to help me turn the page. Through lady fate this part was written, to hold her soul was strictly forbidden.And so as promised I will return, back into my cage with no lessons learned. I gave it all I could to reach within and feel this love, her eyes must be unseen her spirit must be unloved. Such a being though unseen I wont forget. Being born as a man has twice been my biggest regret....a fragment of the same soul, a fraction of us as a whole, I'll fill the void with pointless encounters, pretending to be what I truly know. As my pure self living out a lie, repititious idiocracy I wish this part of me would die....