My Pain, My Hope, My Prayer

Dear Lord. Thank you for giving me life and health.
But I'm not here to pray to you for continued life, health, riches, and wealth.
I'm praying that you hear my cry. Because here in lies my problem, my pain. This internal pain I carry, very single day.  Confronting the fact that I may not be straight but, bi, trans, or gay.  
 
I blame you for the circumstance. To bear this cross was no happenstance. I didn't ask to be raped by my mom's homie, lover friend. back then I felt I didn't have a choice. I was too young too weak and didn't have a voice. but I cried out you. But, I couldn't hear your voice. Like that time I was sleeping under my G.I. Joe sheets. And my mom's friend came in my room, while my mom was sleep. He didn't bother to touch my brother, who slept across from me. he pulled the sheets back, pulled my underwear down, and began to penetrate me. He told me I was dreaming but, if I scream, he would kill my mom, my brother, then me. It was so painful, but I had to cry silently. I didn't want him to kill my family.
 
I prayed to you until he pulled out of me. it hurt so bad, my body started shaking. As he left the room, I still felt him inside me. Lord, I asked you why did he come and attack me. What did I do to deserve such treatment? A hatred began to build up inside me. I hated men. But, after years and years of being molested by him. I like it but, I still hated him. He took my childhood, he took my innocence and you let him. I blamed you for this. Where were you in all of this? I'm 30 something years old now and I'm still trying to deal with this. Why did you let him touch me like this? He told me he rapes me because he loves me. But, his love I want to be dismissed. I don't want it.  
 
Why didn't you warn my mom about this?You know I can't believe she was so in love that she was blind to this. She wanted to marry this man until he died at the hands of one of his other victims. She cried as if he was the love of her life. I wanted to tell her what he did to me. But, I was afraid it would ruin her life. Then again, What does she care? She didn't know for this long. And at this point, I've been dealing with this pain for so long. I know it's wrong but, I think about what I've done wrong. I mean, he wanted me.  Not my brother or my sister, just me. He raped and molested me. And, I blame you, Lord, for the pain he caused me  
 
So, tell me, Lord. What should I do about this feeling? What should I do about this hurt and pain, I feel inside me? What should I do about this attraction I shouldn't be feeling? That was caused by a man my mom was dating? I've tried coming out the closet, only to go back in, fearing that family and friends would ridicule me. I keep thinking about my brother and sister, who still need protecting. I think about the time he raped me in my sleep, forced me to shower with him, when I was 13, telling me I was the pretty boy he's ever seen. That I had dick-sucking lips and a big booty. Ripe for penetration. Since I wasn't his blood son, he could do anything he wanted to me. Forced me to give him head, under the shower head. Told me I better give it to him better than my mother did. I was scared but I knew I had to do it. If it meant saving my family, I had to go through with it.  
 
Lord, I pray that you forgive me. You are my only hope, and this I should have seen. I now realized you were there the whole time. You knew in time, his punishment will soon come. You were there watching all the hurt and pain he caused me. You saw that I was stronger than my siblings so, you chose me, to bear the pain and to carry the cross you placed at my feet. You know you were right when you said you'll never leave or forsake me. Because, for a long time, I believed you have forgotten me. I see that because I forgave him, you have eased my pain. My attraction to men is slowly fading away. Yes, I do struggle and yes, I do fall. But you Lord, you are there to catch me and carry me through it all. My Pain is now my hope. Because, in you, you made me whole.  My pain is now my hope. Now I can help someone else when they fall. AMEN.  
 
 
**** Though I'm not a victim of being molested or raped, my heart goes out to those who's stories are similar to this. It doesn't matter if, for Bi, Trans, or gay, I love you from the bottom of my heart. Just know you are never alone and that God, the true and biblical God is with you always. You may still be hurting from those thins that have happened to you in the past. Those things you choose to forget because it's too painful to bear. All I ask is that you forgive those who have molested and/or raped you. Forgiveness isn't about the person who hurt you. It's about you and your healing process. I also ask that you repent and place your faith and trust in Christ. Then become something new, with his help! Don't be scared to share your story. You may help someone else****