deepundergroundpoetry.com
Track Three
I stand before you
all horrid and human,
dealing in lies
that come off like comfort to you
I plant seeds
in the fertile earth of my appearance
Cultivate and grow them
to make me what you want
I dare not hold you,
no, but let you cradle me
And that stinks of betrayal,
alas, your nose is busy with the roses
Your eyes too are occupied
by an outside so lovely
Drinking in the beauty of my garden
they cannot see the poison in the soil
It is not me you desire
but the flowers in my flesh
I am the great deceiver
And I shall watch you fall
all horrid and human,
dealing in lies
that come off like comfort to you
I plant seeds
in the fertile earth of my appearance
Cultivate and grow them
to make me what you want
I dare not hold you,
no, but let you cradle me
And that stinks of betrayal,
alas, your nose is busy with the roses
Your eyes too are occupied
by an outside so lovely
Drinking in the beauty of my garden
they cannot see the poison in the soil
It is not me you desire
but the flowers in my flesh
I am the great deceiver
And I shall watch you fall
Published 24th Aug 2011
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Anonymous
24th Aug 2011 6:32pm
[I stand before you
all horrid and human,
dealing in lies
that come off like comfort to you
I plant seeds
in the fertile earth of my appearance
Cultivate and grow them
to make me what you want ] The two opening strophes are wonderfully melancholic and set your tone quite nicely. I am wondering if you could use 'torrid' in place of 'horrid'? Also, to develop your idea a little further by adding 'to make me blossom as you want'.
[Drinking in the beauty of my garden
they cannot see the poison in the soil
It is not me you desire
but the flowers in my flesh] You carry the theme well. I love these bits!!!!!
I think in order to keep the continuum the final line should read something like 'and I shall watch you wilt'.
all horrid and human,
dealing in lies
that come off like comfort to you
I plant seeds
in the fertile earth of my appearance
Cultivate and grow them
to make me what you want ] The two opening strophes are wonderfully melancholic and set your tone quite nicely. I am wondering if you could use 'torrid' in place of 'horrid'? Also, to develop your idea a little further by adding 'to make me blossom as you want'.
[Drinking in the beauty of my garden
they cannot see the poison in the soil
It is not me you desire
but the flowers in my flesh] You carry the theme well. I love these bits!!!!!
I think in order to keep the continuum the final line should read something like 'and I shall watch you wilt'.
24th Aug 2011 8:11pm
Thanks for the thoughtful feedback, it's much appreciated. I shall certainly look over and revise the piece.
Anonymous
24th Aug 2011 8:12pm
You're very welcome. I enjoyed reading it.
Sinead M
A very powerful poem.
The first two stanzas are
hauntingly beautiful.
Loved this,
Light,
Sumeet
A very powerful poem.
The first two stanzas are
hauntingly beautiful.
Loved this,
Light,
Sumeet
