Obsessing Over The One Thing I Desire Most

How absolutely cliché and flat.

The whole thing is basically the same shit worded even shitier in each part. No flow whatsoever.
Why in the world would she be yours with such an awful portrayal of pine?

Perhaps you should work on setting a tone, and image in your poetry.

I'm sorry, if I'm being harsh. But goddamn.
Atleast it doesn't rhyme..

fair enough. i wrote something similar to one you wrote, its called Hell's Hello. take a look and tell me what you think? i would actually like to know what you think of as much of my stuff as you care to read.

thanks for the comment:)

I really liked it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

thanks!!!!!:D