lucid suffering

I didn't break the window  
but was broken as a child,  
shattered just enough so I would  
shy from my reflection.  
 
My younger brother lied,  
he threw the stone into the glass  
but blamed me, knowing dad  
would believe him, he always did.  
 
Last night, dad was called out  
with his two truck to get some car that crashed,  
he returned with a huge whitetail buck  
that had been struck during the wreck.  
 
Dad said since the deer was dead  
we should gut it and make some steaks.  
 
But that deer was still alive.  
 
It moved its head and twitched its left leg.  
I stared into its eyes, trying to connect.  
I could feel its pain and knew  
it didn't want to die this way,  
suffering in agony.  
 
I knew it wanted quick release  
but dad wouldn't listen.  
 
I begged him to look closely,  
to see the deer was still alive  
I could tell his bloodshot eyes wouldn't focus,  
his wet brain couldn't process what I said.  
 
That night after dinner, dad punished me,  
struck me for busting that window I didn't break.  
 
His belt and buckle slapped out twenty lashes  
each strike flashing with fragmented thoughts of that  
great big buck and what happened  
when dad gutted him.  
 
Was he awake and lucid?  
   
Was the poor deer petrified when dad jabbed  
that huge hunting knife inside his belly and ripped it down?  
   
I guess I'll never know.  
   
We don't ask many questions  
and we never question dad.  
He says a good man takes his blows,  
keeps his head down and walks away.

Part 1 "Killer Memories":  https://allpoetry.com/poem/13227251-killer-memories-by-WhiteTiger-adult

Part 2 "Forced to Kneel": https://allpoetry.com/poem/13234658-forced-to-kneel-----part-2----killer-memories--by-WhiteTiger-adult

Part 3 "Waterboarding": https://allpoetry.com/poem/13248451-Killer-memories---part-3---waterboarding--by-WhiteTiger-adult

Here's a link to "Lucid Suffering" - A story of a step-dad and white-tailed deer:
https://allpoetry.com/poem/13205071-lucid-suffering--by-WhiteTiger