deepundergroundpoetry.com
The other side
When I was but a younger lad
I thought the world was mine,
filled with thrills and hidden treasures
that I would someday find.
Our home was in the shadow of
a mountain tall and wide,
I dreamed one day I would explore
the mountain's other side.
Instead, I searched the open fields
and woods behind my home,
my wandering mind would only find
how much more I had grown.
Remained in my two bedroom house
and stayed in my hometown,
I built a life with my two hands
with two feet on the ground.
I never once did see The Louvre
or New York's apple drop,
I didn't trek the desert dunes
or scale that mountaintop.
I did find myself wondering
what's on that other side?
I likely won't get over it
since this I'd never tried.
I thought the world was mine,
filled with thrills and hidden treasures
that I would someday find.
Our home was in the shadow of
a mountain tall and wide,
I dreamed one day I would explore
the mountain's other side.
Instead, I searched the open fields
and woods behind my home,
my wandering mind would only find
how much more I had grown.
Remained in my two bedroom house
and stayed in my hometown,
I built a life with my two hands
with two feet on the ground.
I never once did see The Louvre
or New York's apple drop,
I didn't trek the desert dunes
or scale that mountaintop.
I did find myself wondering
what's on that other side?
I likely won't get over it
since this I'd never tried.
Published 22nd Mar 2017
| Edited 25th Mar 2017
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22nd Mar 2017 8:56pm
Mike...A fundamental, life transition piece. Insightful and touching. Life is never so short that you have to let go of dreams...It does not have to be Paris...What is local but unexplored by you? With that in mind, I would also like to say...little lacks from a life and existence built by your own hands...Something to be very proud of, no doubt! Thank you for sharing.
Just a few suggestions if interested:
In the 1st stanza, line 3: maybe "A realm of" in place of "Filled with" (or something of the like) Would make lines 3 and 4 a complete thought which matches with the entirety of the rest of your poem.
In the last stanza "I likely won't get over it" maybe " It is likely I won't let go" (or something of the like) may match the tone of the poem more easily.
Lastly, each of your 1st and 2nd and then 3rd and 4th lines are complete thoughts. Therefore, I might suggest removing all punctuation at the end of lines and begin 2nd and 4th lines with a lowercase letter which implies the thought from the previous line is continued. For example:
Remained in my two bedroom house
and stayed in my hometown
I built a life with my two hands
with two feet on the ground
I hope that makes sense. Keep dreaming and writing,
Best wishes.
Just a few suggestions if interested:
In the 1st stanza, line 3: maybe "A realm of" in place of "Filled with" (or something of the like) Would make lines 3 and 4 a complete thought which matches with the entirety of the rest of your poem.
In the last stanza "I likely won't get over it" maybe " It is likely I won't let go" (or something of the like) may match the tone of the poem more easily.
Lastly, each of your 1st and 2nd and then 3rd and 4th lines are complete thoughts. Therefore, I might suggest removing all punctuation at the end of lines and begin 2nd and 4th lines with a lowercase letter which implies the thought from the previous line is continued. For example:
Remained in my two bedroom house
and stayed in my hometown
I built a life with my two hands
with two feet on the ground
I hope that makes sense. Keep dreaming and writing,
Best wishes.
Anonymous
24th Mar 2017 00:19am
This is a rather good entry Mike. There is a lesson here & that is that we must strive for everything we want.
