The Pub and Its People

Every town, village and city  
Has a certain place I’d call the hub  
I think you’ll know where I mean  
Some call it a tavern, an inn or a pub  
 
You’ll find so many characters  
Whether the place is familiar to you  
So I thought I’d spend some time  
And describe a few to you  
 
Firstly, we have the regular  
You can set your clock by him  
If one day he misses a visit  
Everybody is worried about him  
 
He sits in the same seat  
And drinks the same thing every time  
A double whisky chaser  
And four pints of lager and lime  
 
Next we have the walking encyclopaedia  
A mine of information  
If you check his facts on Wikipedia  
It’ll cause him much frustration  
 
Don't try to contradict him  
Because he thinks he’s always right  
He has a friend who takes him home  
When there’s an inkling he'll get in a fight  
 
There's that guy in every pub  
Who can’t seem to be found  
When it is the time  
For him to buy a round  
 
He’ll turn up when the round's been bought  
And says he’s sorry he missed his turn  
Then makes sure his turn is at last orders  
When will his friends ever learn?  
 
Then we have the smoker  
Who goes outside to have a smoke  
Gets his mate, a non-smoker  
To keep an eye on his drinks and his coat  
 
There’s always one clumsy person  
Who’ll barge into you so you spill your drink  
Then they go merrily on their way  
Before you’ve had time to think  
 
You stand there on the spot  
Alcohol dripping from your sleeve  
Then the perpetrator bumps into someone else  
And they’re politely asked to leave  
 
Some days you’re in the pub  
And end up bumping into your boss  
You’ve phoned in sick that morning  
And for excuses you're at a loss  
 
Your boss asks for an explanation  
On how quickly you’ve recovered  
Your face is red with embarrassment  
Because you've been discovered  
 
A group of yuppies turn up at lunchtime  
Boasting of how much money they’ve got  
Then loiter at the bar  
While the barmaid pours out a shot  
 
Sometimes they just have one each  
But other days they’re there for hours  
Taking turns wolfing down  
Small shots of cherry flavoured Sourz  
 
Odd times the pub will get a customer  
Who asks for the best champagne  
Then he settles for sparkling Perry  
Because the high prices make him complain  
 
Sitting tucked away in the corner  
Is an elderly gent called James  
He’s known the pub have ten different landlords  
And five different pub names  
 
He still pays the old pub prices  
Because he’s been going in for years  
He’s almost part of the furniture  
He likes to try the new craft beers  
 
Oft times the pub gets drinkers  
Who are clearly under-age  
So the one who orders drinks  
Is barely old enough to shave  
 
The barmaid asks them for I.D.  
They walk away and slink outside  
The oldest shrugs his shoulders  
And says “At least I tried”  
 
A woman who’s a regular  
Says her energy bills have got higher  
So she goes into the pub for three hours a day  
And gets warm on the open log fire  
 
The landlord sees people from all walks of life  
In his pub everyday  
They are colourful characters that light up the pub  
He wouldn’t wish them any other way  
 
So next time you visit your local pub  
You never know who you might see  
By the way, the person sat in the corner, writing away,  
Yes, that’s me!