deepundergroundpoetry.com
Bars
The phone keeps ringing
I meant to rise today
aspired to be strong
breathing will not obey
heavy on my chest
I begin to close my eyes
thoughts make me ill
all that is now dies
bars on the windows
to keep fear outside
trapped me in a cage
from myself I cannot hide
I meant to rise today
aspired to be strong
breathing will not obey
heavy on my chest
I begin to close my eyes
thoughts make me ill
all that is now dies
bars on the windows
to keep fear outside
trapped me in a cage
from myself I cannot hide
Published 8th Mar 2017
| Edited 10th Feb 2024
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
8th Mar 2017 5:38pm
8th Mar 2017 9:04pm
A succinct, vivid feel in this making one sense the anguish of being 'closed in'
11th Mar 2017 10:01pm
8th Mar 2017 11:03pm
The conundrum between desiring freedom and yet wanting protection is palpable in this, Mel.
Just a few suggestions to honor your request for critique:
Bars
The phone keeps ringing
I meant to rise today
I aspired to be strong (try beginning with Aspire. This loses the adfitional I)
My breath will not obey (how about Breathing vs 'My' since you're using it in the next line?)
Heavy on my chest
I begin to close my eyes
Thoughts make me ill
All that is now dies
Bars on the windows
To keep the fear outside
Have trapped me in a cage
I have no place to hide
Do you really need the last line? Trapped in a cage implies nowhere to go or hide. Read it without the line and see what you think.
Again, the contrast of desire for freedom and yet protection is deeply embedded in this. It's an emotion that every reader can relate to personally.
Just a few suggestions to honor your request for critique:
Bars
The phone keeps ringing
I meant to rise today
I aspired to be strong (try beginning with Aspire. This loses the adfitional I)
My breath will not obey (how about Breathing vs 'My' since you're using it in the next line?)
Heavy on my chest
I begin to close my eyes
Thoughts make me ill
All that is now dies
Bars on the windows
To keep the fear outside
Have trapped me in a cage
I have no place to hide
Do you really need the last line? Trapped in a cage implies nowhere to go or hide. Read it without the line and see what you think.
Again, the contrast of desire for freedom and yet protection is deeply embedded in this. It's an emotion that every reader can relate to personally.
9th Mar 2017 00:26am
Thank you. I again appreciate the feedback. I modified lines 3 and 4 per your suggestion and agree they sound better. I opted to modify the last line as to not be too redundant but felt it needed the line for the structure of the poem. I may be slightly rigid...lol I shall work on that.:) You are amazing!
9th Mar 2017 2:41am
oO! Slam ending. Now the cage becomes a mirror forcing you to face yourself! Excellent revision, Mel! 🙋🍷
Happy International Women's Day, btw!
Happy International Women's Day, btw!
11th Mar 2017 10:05pm
Thank you! And same to you:) http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/life/international-womens-day-2017-12-quotes-women-need-lives/
Anonymous
22nd Mar 2017 7:57pm
"Breathing will not obey", this is the most important line to me. That line to me describes completely how hard days become. It is almost like I forget a simple, survival instinct; to just "Breathe".
"All that is now dies", is to me, the most painful part of this writing.
Well done Mel.
"All that is now dies", is to me, the most painful part of this writing.
Well done Mel.
22nd Mar 2017 8:13pm
Thank you yet again ST. I guess in a way I may be fortunate in the sense that I write most frequently from a place of darkness but years of experience tells me I always come out on the other side. "And we thank thee that darkness reminds us of light" ~T.S. Elliot
